One of the things we learned about in Phase I of LifeStar is the Drama Triangle. If you don't know what that is you can learn more here. Basically it talks about how when we enter drama or conflict we often assume a certain role most often or have a couple we switch back and forth between. The three rolls are victim, rescuer and persecutor. Hands down I am a rescuer. I have actually known that about myself for a very long time. What I struggle with the most is how to break out of that. How do I not be a rescuer? Where is the balance between rescuing someone (especially B) and having compassion on them. I am sincerely struggling with this.
I have really tried to recognize lately when we are in drama and do my best to walk away from it. I am not always successful. I have slipped into both persecutor and victim roles easily lately and I think it's partly in an effort to stay out of the role of rescuer. I am just really struggling to find the balance between being compassionate while holding B accountable and rescuing him. I have most often been the one to step in and rescue him by being the first to make an attempt to make up. Usually through a physical gesture or sexual overture. I often will be the one who takes care of a lot of the responsibilities to keep the family running. I was always so hungry for peace and connection that I rushed in to achieve that in any way possible. I have stopped doing that.
I have asked B repeatedly for what I need right now to feel safe and start to trust. He can't say that he doesn't know, yet he maintains that he isn't giving me those things because I am just so angry all the time. We are back to the chicken and the egg dilemma. How do we separate the chicken and the egg and get out of this cycle?
I could go back to always being the first to apologize and reach out in a physical display of affection. The problem with that is that I don't feel safe, loved or cherished and I have no desire to keep sharing myself physically when I feel so unimportant to B. I really want him to stop giving me half hearted apologies and show me that he loves and appreciates me and that he is committed to recovery. Until that happens I don't see myself being willing to take down any walls.
B feels like because I am trying to get out of the role of rescuer that I have stepped in to the role of persecutor and that I am nothing but angry all the time. That may be true. I am frequently angry, but even I can see that is covering up the hurt underneath. Because B feels that I have been giving him nothing but anger, I tried being vulnerable last night. I tried sharing some of the pain I was feeling and a realization that hit me yesterday. He listened and I felt like he was digesting it and working through it, but today I feel like that never happened. He keeps telling me that he knows this is really hard on me and that he understand my hurt, but he isn't making any strong work to help lift that burden at all. I tried to share that burden last night and it seemed like he helped carry it then, but I'm left holding it all again today. I'm exhausted from carrying the burden. I need a partner. I need a helpmeet. I need a husband who loves and cherishes me to help me carry the load. Right now, I don't have that.
If anyone out there has any suggestions on how I can show B compassion without rescuing him I would love to hear them. I'm am emotionally and physically wrung out and I don't know how to move forward.
Former rescuer seeking compassion,
T.
Thank you for sharing. We haven't done Lifestar yet but are looking into it. It sounds like I am a rescuer too from what you're describing. My sponsor told me, "You can be a loving and supportive wife without trusting your husband." I'm still struggling to find out exactly how I do that and like you said still have compassion. It's tough.
ReplyDeleteThe learning and growing we do in recovery is never-ending. If you have the chance to do LifeStar, I highly recommend it! It's been a great experience for us. The experiences of others have been such a help to me.
DeleteI hope I have a suggestion that helps. I really think you can show compassion by noticing and showing appreciation for when B is trying to better even if it doesn't meet your expectations.
ReplyDeleteThanks.
DeleteI have some thoughts but it is really long.
ReplyDeleteFirst - you are not alone. I lived in rescuer mode for over a decade. I called it "supporting" and I used a lot of denial to put it in that perspective. I think I went through the levels of awakening before I began to really see it clearly. I even made it to month nine in Lifestar with a really good group of calling you on your crap kind of women before I / they could see it. It sounds like you are going through a similar "awakening" of this isn't right! Which is awesome!
My husband also had to go through his own "awakenings" that I really, really, REALLY was no longer going to do it. I don't remember the order that these steps came in for us, but here are two pieces of our story that seemed to promote change. (Actually now that I think about it, they both came down to one thing)
Boundaries. Once calmly, once not so calmly, both times though I was dead serious.
The not so calmly time was via text. I had been literally begging for more openness. The crap hit the fan and it turned into a month long nightmare fight. I'm sure I was using drama all over the place and trying really hard not to. I didn't know how to stop. I just wanted him to support me so bad. I did drama to myself and played victim in front of him. I rescued by trying to take things off his plate. Finally in anger but worn out and done I set a boundary. The most specific behavior I could pin point was defensiveness. And him initiating connection. If it would have been vocal it would have been screaming, so text was good. I was shaking, but I was clear. NO MORE! I deserved better, I would not allow myself to carry the responsibility of our entire marriage another day. He would step up and fight for me or I would find a place that have me CONSISTENT support. I felt out jobs for myself and rentals in my hometown. I want looking for and escape, I was going to get stability. I wanted him to provide it, but I told him I would no longer MAKE him do it. I knew there was family support and the drop off a hat. I wanted his support, but I would no longer beg for it. I would only accept whole hearted efforts from him, half effects would not cut it any more. And I was dead serious in a way that scared the crap out of me. It was the first time I actually realized I would and could leave. He did not know I had found a home and job possibilities when I set my boundary, but I knew it and it gave me conviction and strength to what I was saying. (That was the first big shift for him - remembering now that I'm getting detailed.)
The other major sting a boundary moment came a few months later and much more timidly. I finally was beginning to realize that all my support was really rescuing. It was terrifying to realize because the price for backing off could literally cost us millions of dollars in future revenue (or so I had convinced myself - the price to hand back some things to him was too big - we are 4 th year med students). I somewhat daily told him that I could no longer live in rescuer mode. I had chosen to do it and I was going to now choose not to do it. Looking back I can see how he used a very small amount of persecutor mode to deter me. I firmly and gently asked for a list of things I needed him to take on - daily - on top of what he was doing. One that may seem small was that I needed help in the morning getting 3 kids off to school. We have all girls. I do 3 heads of hair every morning and get uniforms ready and check for hygiene - by 7:30. I needed him to help with lunches. I don't remember how specific I was and what"options" I offered but I held my ground that I needed support from him. He had made enough progress at that point that he agreed somewhat willingly. It took a few slips from him and consequences from me for him to see that I was serious about us both pulling our weight.
ReplyDeleteI eventually had to place a very detailed list of consequences for being defensive / not working on the relationship from I get me time alone for an hour all the way up to divorce. It was sad to do it but it helped me know that when one thing went wrong it wasn't all over immediately, there was a progression that we could return from, it was his choice If we continued down that road or not. Not all mine!
I asked him a month or so ago if he resented me for the anger and super strong boundaries. He said no! I was scared and nervous to hear his answer but HE says he is so much happier living the way we are now than how we were before.
Sorry so long! The overall point is that boundaries help me stay out of drama. If you find yourself in drama mode or struggling with it, do some journaling, deep reflective thinking and try to pinpoint your need. Set a boundary and be firm. You can change boundaries when you need to. You can instantly set one if you feel violated in the moment, they are your call. If your interested (I know I've already left you an epistle) I wrote a blog post at the time I set the boundary about needing to back off on the "support". I believe it's "finding connection with support vs rescuing" on www.OfInfiniteWorth.com
ReplyDeleteps on my previous comment it says "told him daily" it's supposed to say timidly, not daily. :-D
Thank you so much for this! This is an almost daily struggle for me right now of what to do and how to do it? He has good plans, but they have yet to come to fruition. I will definitely read that post! Thank you so so much for reaching out via this comment. I would love to be able to email you if you are good with it. awifeprogressing@gmail.com
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