I Know That Feeling

My parents have been here visiting for the last two days. I love my parents very much and would be lost without them, but sometimes they are not the easiest people to be around. They are very much afraid of what others will think. They have always had impossibly hight standards and are very critical of anyone they don't feel measures up. Well a porn addict certainly wouldn't measure up…and neither would his wife. I don't like that I feel that way about my parents, but they have proven over time not to be safe people to be vulnerable with about the deepest, scariest parts of my life. It goes without saying then, we haven't told them about B's addiction.

My parents know we are struggling and that our relationship is fragile right now. They know we are spending time in groups and therapy. As far as they know we are just working through some issues. For now, that's the way it needs to be. I can't take the pressure of wondering how they would react while trying to work on my recovery.

That background is needed when I tell you I had to work through my panic at the thought of seeing them yesterday. I love my parents and I love being able to see them. I realized on the way home from work yesterday that I was panicking. I was able to calm myself through some deep breathing and work through it. As part of that I was trying to pin point why I was so anxious to see them…and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'M KEEPING A SECRET!

Holy cow! Is this how B felt all the time while keeping his secret? I have known for years about his addiction, even if I didn't realize it was an addiction. But, nobody knew so I was keeping the secret from everybody, not just two of the most important people in my life. It is so crazy how much of a difference that makes. I am keeping a HUGE secret from two of my most important people. It hurts. It is panic inducing. I HATE doing it…but it is necessary…for now at least. I have to get some more healing under my belt first. 

I HATE SECRETS! I hope that I can work through this issue soon.

Secretly,

T