Recent Reading

A large part of my time in recovery has been spent reading recovery books. I have read so much in my LifeStar workbooks as well as books written on recovery and other self-help books in general, they have helped me understand and heal. I have a hard time digesting the books in large pieces, so it usually takes me a while to get through even a small one. It also means that I am often reading more than one.

I recently finished "What Can I do About Him Me?" by Rhyll Crowshaw. This book is fantastic for the recovering spouse. She talks about her own journey through recovery and what helped her. It isn't a long book and it has so much great information. If you want to buy it you can get it here.

I have been working reading "Carry On Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life" by Glennon Doyle Melton. I'm sure I have mentioned it before, because I have been reading it for a really long time. The main reason it is taking me so long is because once I start reading I can't put it down and I don't often have time to get lost in a book like that. She is so funny, relatable, authentic, full of faith and just plain fun to read. Every time I read this book I get out a pen and highlighter. I have NEVER written or highlighted in a book that wasn't meant for that purpose (i.e.. a text book or workbook), but there is so much to love in her book that I can't help it.

The other book I am currently reading was given to me by a friend for Christmas. She saw the authors on a t.v. show talking about how they wrote it and KNEW that both of us HAD to have it. I am only a few pages in and so far it's fantastic. It is called "Gratitude & Trust: Six Affirmations That Will Change Your Life" by Paul Williams and Tracey Jackson. I read something in there tonight that I want to share. I give full credit for this to the authors and hope that it helps someone else.

"It all starts with honesty. If you're not honest with yourself, how can you be truly honest with anyone else? We spend a lot of energy fooling ourselves, covering for ourselves, and projecting an image that is in opposition of what's actually going on. There is such and emphasis on perfection in our society that we are all terrified of not meeting the standards that we either self-imposed or assume the world is expecting of us. Changing that begins with honesty: being honest about who you are, where you are, what you feel, what you want, and where you might have dropped the ball. Honesty is not only the best policy, it's the starting line of getting through the race of life as smoothly as possible

Purity in many ways is the cousin of honesty. Once you have decided to embrace honesty and let that be the controlling dynamic of your life, you must be pure to that concept. The definition of purity is cleanliness, transparency. So by following the path of purity, you keep your house clean your personal life clean. You maintain transparency about your misdeeds and mistakes because when you're being transparent, you're being honest. And when we're honest, we have nothing to hide from ourselves and others. Addicts of all sorts spend their lives covering their tracks. But any of us who merely have dents in our character - which we all do - spend a lot of our lives trying to mask them, hide from them, numb them, and beat them into oblivion. Think about how much more time you will have to do the things you want and be the person you want when you are not constantly running from your reality trying to cover up the things you don't want to be or do." (personal note: I disregarded the part about the clean house, for me, being in trauma and/or working on recovery means that my house isn't clean. The common areas are picked up and clean much of the time, but there is clutter everywhere. I'm working on this, but it's not a realistic expectation for myself right now.)

Honesty and Purity, or as they defined it, Transparency. Those are the things I strive for in my life, from myself and from B. I want to be honest with him and transparent. I don't want him to question my motives or actions. He does question them a lot, and I am working on being honest about my true feelings with both him and myself. I am also working on giving him transparency into those feelings so that he will know that I AM fighting for us and I DO want to fight to stay together.

There is a lot of push back and pain on his side when I tell him honestly how I am feeling and remain strong in holding my boundaries. He doesn't always LIKE what I tell him and sometimes he leaves our discussions hurting. It is NEVER my intention to inflict pain on him and the pain he feels right now is a result of his actions, not my holding the boundaries around them. I don't want him to hurt and for a lot of years I have tried to protect both of us from it by not acknowledging it. That didn't help either one of us, in fact it caused both of us more pain. I am working on that every.single.day. I am working not to rescue B and to let him feel that pain and work through it. It is really hard for me to watch. If he could honestly heal and find recovery AND do it pain-free, I would help him find that path. It's just not possible to get to the road of recovery (for either of us) without passing through pain.

I am still walking a line between compassion, rescuing and holding healthy boundaries. I ask, ponder, pray, seek and do it all over again every day, several times a day to make sure that I am doing what is best for both of us. I am asking my Father in Heaven to guide me on a path that shows enough compassion without rescuing B and while still maintaining healthy boundaries. It is a fine line, but the longer I walk it the wider it grows and the easier it is to stay on the path. I ask myself the question, what is my motive behind saying/doing this? If the answer isn't that I am doing it to help us heal then it's the wrong thing to say or do and I need to go back and rethink it.

I love my husband very much. I feel that love for him more today than I have in years, maybe ever. I can't however, continue to be betrayed and hurt over and over and over again and so for now I wait. I pray. I have faith. I accept. That's all I can do (besides working on my own recovery). It bears repeating, I love my husband. I want more than anything to find recovery WITH him by my side, holding his hand and fighting together. Please if you have a minute, send up a prayer for us, we could really use it right now.

Transparently Honest,

T.

P.S. I get ABSOLUTELY NO KICKBACK from these books. I just want to share the resources that have helped me. If they don't work for you, that's ok, if you do find them helpful, that's great! If you have others you'd like to share with me, email me or leave them in the comments.