Monday, May 25, 2015

Resigned

The words are running around in my head, but they just won't come out tonight. I have so much that I am struggling with right now that I want to put words to, but I just can't pin them down. I guess I should say, I can't pin down how to say what is in my heart without sounding like a complaining and naggy victim. Maybe that's my answer, but my heart is so heavy right now I just need to somehow unburden a bit of it. 

B. said something to me today that made me wonder if our marriage can ever be repaired. He said (I'm paraphrasing), "I guess that you just aren't what I want you to be." It really struck a nerve because that's what I have felt our entire marriage, that somehow I don't measure up, that I'm not enough. It hurts so much to hear him actually say it. 

I feel like what he would like me to be is a Stepford Wife. I feel like he thinks he would be happy if I enjoyed everything he enjoys, always wanted to participate in whatever recreation is his current passion, fulfilled his porn-fuled sexual fantasies, cooked his dinner every night, kept the house clean and worked to support him so he wouldn't ever have to. He denied that that's what he wants when I replied that way to him earlier, but it FEELS that way to me. That's all I have to go on, how I feel. 

The blame has been heaped on me pretty thickly this week. I am getting blamed for some of the most ridiculous things by the shovelful. I am having a hard time finding my way out of the pile of crap I'm getting buried under. I am so tired of getting blamed for not being supportive enough of his recovery. I'm apparently not making his recovery easy enough on him. 

After a session with my counselor last week and some prayer and pondering on my part, I turned control of B.'s phone back over to him. I unblocked some of the restrictions (like downloading apps and the internet), although I left the internet filtered. I also told him the passcode for the restrictions so that he can control them himself (which ironically is our wedding anniversary). He admitted to me yesterday morning that he has been very tempted to act out now that he has more access, which I wasn't surprised by. During that discussion it came out that part of the reason we had been sexually intimate the morning before was because he had been fighting the temptation to act out and had instead woken me up early on Saturday so we could be intimate. I was crushed. When I told him how hurt I am, his response was to ask me why I had given him back control of his phone. WHAT?!? He wants me to trust him, but then blames me because he can't be trusted? I am hurt and angry to say the least.

Earlier in the week I falsely accused B. of acting out. I was able to verify that it was a false accusation and I apologized. B. said he understood that I don't trust him because he hasn't been trustworthy in the past, that was HUGE. Let me repeat, THAT WAS HUGE FOR ME! He actually took responsibility for how his actions had impacted our marriage. I was so grateful and I told him so a couple of times. Before I was able to verify that it was a false accusation I had written him a letter telling him that he had basically two weeks to find a place to live and be out. This may seem drastic, but it wasn't for me and it felt like what I needed to do. It hurt. It still hurts to think that I may have to ask him to leave. I don't want that, but I can't live like this anymore. What I don't understand is why, when he knows the consequences of him acting out, doesn't he fight harder for himself and for us? Why is his own selfish behavior more important that we are?

The message that I keep getting from B. is that I don't matter, I'm not worth fighting for. That not only am I not worth fighting for but that somehow I am to blame for that fact. The "if only's" are ringing out loud and clear ("if only" I could do this, "if only" I didn't do this). His mouth keeps saying that that isn't the truth, but his actions scream loudly that it is. I keep getting bombarded with the message that I'm not enough and that I don't matter and then told that I have to work harder to make it easier for him and fight harder for our marriage. He has asked me repeatedly why he should work so hard to fight for someone that is so angry all the time. Why? I guess only he can answer that. I'll be honest, I'm about done fighting, I'm about ready to lay it all down and call it unwinable. I am about to admit defeat to Satan and congratulate him on being able to tear apart another family. 

Resignedly,

T.

9 comments:

  1. I am so sorry! Your words that it is as if you are not making his recovery easy enough for him, hit me hard! Isn't that part of the problem with addiction. The addicts brain is so twisted they truly believe it is other peoples responsibility to make it easy for them. They truly feel and believe that they are doing all they can and therefor others need to make the path free from any difficulty or hardship. The thing is, they create the pain and disfunction and then want it gone, wiped away, without allowing others to heal. Remember you are not alone.

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    1. Thank you for your words! It really is true...they THINK they are doing everything they can...and then they think ease is owed to them.

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  2. Whether our not he's acting out - what an addict thing to say! Seriously! Off course that would hurt, not to mention almost certainly hit feelings of trauma. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and give you a big hug. I'm so sorry you went through that crummy day/week/experience.
    Lilly

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    1. I also wanted to add that B may have used addict ways of speaking, and possibly even thinking, but B in his core without his addict around to hijack the real him most likely would be appalled at anyone ever suggesting such an idea to you.

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    2. I also wanted to add that B may have used addict ways of speaking, and possibly even thinking, but B in his core without his addict around to hijack the real him most likely would be appalled at anyone ever suggesting such an idea to you.

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    3. That's the hard pest part...I get glimpses of that man, the good one deep down...only to have him covered up by the addiction again.

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    4. I'd take that hug and hug you right back!

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  3. Sweety... what you're hearing is the addict talking. Your husband is getting closer to the 'line' and satan see's he's loosing him. Of course the addict is going to hate you with a passion and he's taking your husband along for the ride. You're a block from him getting his drug hits, you're the light calling him away from the smut and evil he wants to medicate his depression. I go through this in cycles. He loves me when he's using (because life is all hunky dory) he loves me when he's sober for a while (because the light of christ is with him) it's that rocky tug of war in the middle that you're caught in now. Satan is pushing you through him so that you'll react and give him a reason to jump off the cliff again. He wants you to know that he hates you because you represent the good in his life and are actually calling him to join you. It's messed up I know, and it's hard not to let it get you down... but give it a bit.

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    1. Thank you. I appreciate your kind words.

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