Couch Time: On Being a Failure

Here we are, in the therapists office…you're sitting with your yellow legal pad and a thoughtful expression while I'm laying on the couch crying about what a failure I am.

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Ok so that's not really how it goes down when I see my therapist (whom I love and can't wait to see again next week)…but it IS something I truly feel. I feel like a failure. An absolute and complete failure at everything. This is the point I am at right in this very moment and I know exactly how I got here.

Part of me knows I'm not a failure…and loathes that word entirely. However, that voice has been silenced by the complete lack of self-care and recovery work on my part lately. I have fallen into that dreaded space of COMPLACENCY. It is something that I had hoped I would never become, yet here I am.

Early in recovery my recovery materials were always at my fingertips. I was working on workbooks or reading recovery books. I was blogging or journaling. I did my homework early most weeks. I saw my counselor weekly. I attended my LifeStar group faithfully every week. I reached out. I prayed frequently and meditated often. I attempted to read my scriptures or a conference talk on a regular basis. I attended church every week. I lived and breathed recovery.

Lately, I'm lucky if my homework is done on time. I haven't read my scriptures or a Conference talk in a while. I still pray at least once a day, but often times it's when I'm already in bed and not on my knees. I haven't blogged or journaled regularly. I can't remember the last time I meditated. I haven't seen my counselor in a month (I was sick at my last appointment and didn't realize I didn't have any more scheduled). I missed last weeks group (I was out-of-town so I didn't just skip it because I didn't want to go). I haven't been to church in three weeks and I won't be there again this week (going out of town). I have let my life get out of control. (Wow! Did you see all the excuses in parentheses?)

Here's the thing, I haven't wanted to admit any of these things to myself, because then I have to hold myself accountable. Another big wall of denial I have is that I don't want to admit any of this to B., because he already feels as if I'm not doing my part to heal our marriage and therefore he feels justified in not doing his. I want him to work hard, I deserve to have him work hard. He needs to fight for our marriage. I don't really have anything to give our marriage right now, and I may not for a while. None of these things justifies me being in denial about where my recovery is.

Step 1: Recognize there is a problem. Check! I am not going to add working The Steps to my list right now, because I'm afraid I'd throw in the towel if I added anything more to my plate, but Step 1 I have down. I definitely have a problem.

So, as I lay here and you continue to make affirming statements and ask probing questions to help me work through this, hand me a fork so I can dig into this big old slice of humble pie. The thing is, it's just what I need…a dose of humility and the willingness to accept it. I am working to open my heart up and let Him do his work while I do mine. If you get a minute to offer up a prayer, can you include me in it? I could sure use the power of strong prayers to open my heart and help Him work his miracles.

Humbly,

T.