Battle Fatigue is what PTSD was known as during WWII. It doesn't fit exactly what I am feeling, but the words paint a picture for me of what I look like on the inside. I am weary to the bone of fighting this battle and I just want to go to sleep for a while and take a break from life. Nobody call 911, I'm not suicidal, just worn out. I am physically, emotionally and mentally worn out.
Right now where I am really struggling is to find that balance. How much recovery work can I realistically do and keep up on life. Right now I'm not being very successful at either. I know I'm not the only one trying to find this balance, I've heard others talk about it too. I also know that the balance looks different for everyone. I work full-time plus, I have kids and a house to keep up. I also try to find some time to do things for self-care and recovery. It feels like right now I'm trying to find that delicate balance between time for recovery and time for life…and a splinter can tip the scales.
The other thing I am struggling with right now is my utter disconnection from B. I have erected almost all my walls again and shored them up with new ones. It was done intentionally and with purpose. He is showing signs of working on and trying to be in recovery. The problem is that it is never consistent. He will be very contentious of my needs and will be thinking of things to lighten the load for me and work on connecting with me and being honest…for a couple of days. Then it's all too much for him and he withdraws and his needs come first. It is like standing on a rug that you love that is covering a concrete floor…it is so nice and warm and comforting for a couple days then all of a sudden it gets yanked out from underneath you and you end up on the cold hard floor with new purple bruises on top of the already tender yellow ones that are just starting to heal. It is more traumatic in a way than the last 20 years have been because I had those couple of days of connection and care. It's like I'm being robbed of that safety over and over and over again. Before, I never expected or hoped for it, so it was just was I was used to with zero expectations of it being any different. Now, I can see the changes and feel the difference SOME of the time. Mind you, I wouldn't go back to the way it was either. I could not live like that anymore.
When he checks in with me at night and relates how he is feeling relationally he always says disconnected. He will sometimes say that he doesn't know what he is fighting for anymore because I am so disconnected. I have told him every which way what I need to be able to start connecting more. CONSISTENCY. That's it. I need to see consistent improvement with more good days that bad. I'm not asking for perfection, just progress. I need to be thought of more and my needs need to be as important as his own.
I want to connect with my husband. I want to have a happy marriage. I believe that those two things are possible. I just need some safety and consistency before they will happen. I believe that as we both get more recovery under our belts that our relationship will become our focus. Right now all I can do is concentrate on is my own recovery and being the best me I can be.
Weary to the bone,
T.
There is a spiritual/emotional energy that connects us in our relationships that beyond words or explanation. Ego and it's inverted twin "being a victim" are energy takers. Unconditional love and non-judgment are energy boosters. We all have the ability to take and give energy to others. I've noticed that young children are very attuned to this. "Hurt people, hurt people" I think about that often and I have been focusing finding old wounds deep inside my self. I work on those wounds and accept Christ's atonement to heal them. Yes, it is a painful process, but it is better than leaving them buried. I find that not only this heals me, but the healing and love radiates out to others too. I pray for healing for your family.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your prayers, we can use any help from Him that we can get. I do not know the intention of your heart when you commented, but I would like to reply. I am not playing a victim or judging my husband, I am tired of fighting Satan for my marriage, it wears me out. I love my husband very much and I want nothing more then for us to stay married. I just can't keep fighting for both of us, he has to fight beside me. I have a lot of old wounds and hurts that I have to work on of my own and I am focusing on those. I am not trying to change my husband, I am just praying that he decides to change on his own. I am also not trying to hurt my husband, but I have to protect my heart from having the wounds repeatedly reopened by his selfish behavior. I love myself enough to want to protect myself, I haven't always felt that way. For me there is a difference between detaching for health and detaching to numb. I still feel, I now I can care for those feelings in a healthy way. Thank you again for your prayers.
DeleteThat is an accurate and extremely well said analogy , down to the concrete floor . Awesome , so sad its so darn applicable to your life though :(
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely do not feel safe to climb out of my own cocoon of detached anytime soon either , at the same time there is almost sympathy for him wondering what is there for him to attach to ? I tell him often , try to remember who I WAS , maybe it will help . Consistency is the key here , not perfection , just consistent inching forward . Thank you for sharing , it is really good . And I have to add to anonymous comment ; loving yourself by protecting your heart does not have to mean not being loving . It also does not have to mean allow more emotional abuse and enabling . I am sitting in the EXACT spot right now , so a little nervy about hearing the , " being a victim " . I am deciding I am being my own hero , because he sure is not , and someone has to . God is enabling me to do the job one tiny ounce of strength at a time . That is not a victim . I am a hero , and so are you .
Hope I am so sorry that you understand and feel the same. It is so comforting to know I am not alone, but it is also so heartbreaking. Keep reaching out to God and to your warrior sisters. You have troops behind you girl!
DeleteHope, I have complete empathy for what your saying. In my case I had to end a toxic marriage that wasn't going to heal. "Not being the victim", means for me that I take full accountability for my self and my behavior. That I will set firm boundaries and not allow myself to be abused. It means instead of seeking sympathy from others, I will instead use what I've learned from my trials to lift others. I've learned so much by practicing boundaries with my children. It is so much better when I lovingly teach them what they shouldn't do without shame or anger. They know there will be consequences if they cross a boundary, but they will also know I still love them.
ReplyDeleteT - once again I feel like reading your blog is a reflection of my life and I feel wholeheartedly everything you are saying. The analogy is right on. The feeling I feel most consistently lately is that I just want to stop hurting (that and I'm TIRED!) - I don't even care about feeling good, just please stop punching me in the face (emotionally) over and over and over!
ReplyDeleteI've done a fair amount of reflective work and counseling sessions the past few weeks and so I'll pass on a few things that have been shared with me - some work for me and some don't, so take what feels valid and pass on the rest.
1 - I feel awful because I'm in trauma. J is adding to it because my trauma (feelings of flight) bring up his trauma (feelings of rejection). When he gets defensive (HUGE trigger to anger for me because I HATE it) my therapist pointed out it's J's way of trying to convince me he's not a problem so I won't have feelings of trying to get space from the source of pain - him! It doesn't work for me (obvious) and just leaves me feeling like I want to pull away more. He fights harder to show me he's "not wrong" - it's a dizzying circle of hell. Not sure I know how to get out of it, I think my therapist was trying to tell me compassion, but oiy! I don't know if I've got that in me.
2 - self compassion. This road is a sucky path that I most definitely did not conciously choose. Nor would any other sane woman. If it feels overwhelming ... it is! Everything you feel is valid. It does all hurt and it's not all in our control. I'm writing down my check in that I use with group as part of my dailies, along with taking my affirmation from the day and rewording it to what I need and writing it down. I'm going to add to that a short third person conversation to myself of why I'm pretty freaking awesome.
3 - I've been told a lot that time will heal it, and I need to give it just that. This is not working for me. Time is not healing me or J. Work is working for me (as tired as I am, but I'm working part-time, you are carrying a lot!) and for J (sometimes). Redoing my dailies to things that really work for me has seemed to help me slowly consider what it might be like to think about thinking about trying to connect with J.
4 - This doesn't work for me either because of time, but something my therapist said (wow I feel cool saying that, not!) is that relational trauma is the strongest contributing factor to depression. Exercise is the best lift. Combat the strongest with the strongest? If I didn't feel so depressed I might have the energy to work out and feel better. ;-)
5 - Dare I say it again? My therapist asked if I believe J can be the man I need. My response was that he's sure willing, not so sure he can. To which he asked if I believed if God can help him be the man I need. My response was given enough time, sUre! I don't know if I'm willing/CAN wait for that.
However I recognize one thing (this of course is different for every couple) J is slowly (like molasses moving uphill in winter) changing. Not consistently and definitely not when my trauma is triggering his trauma which triggers my trauma....
But. He is changing and someday I do believe he will be healthy. If I left him now, the idea of him being "healthy" with someone else makes me all sorts of crazy, mad, but mostly sad. I want to be there when it happens. The hope deflated and drains out over and over again. When I can truly take it to God, the answer (for now and for J and I) is that we are still a working progress. He's not done with us and he does intend for both of us to be truly happy.
Hugs again and again. I hope he'll stop pulling out the rug from under you. I hope he'll keep working and realizing what he's causing and what he's capable of. I hope there's some way you have some way of helping him out of his pit so you can enjoy the healthy B.
I have no words to express my gratitude right now. Thank you. Hugs, hugs and more hugs.
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