Realizations: Part 1

I have had a few lightbulb moments lately and I want to share a couple small ones with you.

The first realization hit me last weekend. It was like a totally "aha" moment. I realized that my healing is further along than I thought (at least for the present moment). I was thinking about the last time I had a full-on panic attack and realized it was the day after disclosure almost a month before and it only lasted about thirty seconds or so before I was able to calm myself. I don't remember the last time before that. You don't realize how HUGE that is for me. It's monumental. I have been having panic attacks for the last four years, seemingly out of nowhere (although since I am now learning about Betrayal Trauma I realize where they come from). These would sometimes happen a couple of times a day. It has been awful…especially since I used to be a pretty laid back person. It was such a relief to realize that I am able to better control my reactions. 

Last Saturday B decided to take a nap for half an hour. He said he would set his alarm and get up. Well, I heard his alarm go off and he turned it off and went back to sleep. When he finally got up two and half hours later, he said, "You should've gotten me up sooner." My only response was, "Not my job, you're a grown up." While that may seem like a perfectly normal response in a healthy relationship, it was not a normal response for me. The pre-recovery work me would've bugged and nagged him to get up. Then when he didn't I would've done the work I had planned to do but would've made as much noise slamming doors and stomping around as I could. Saturday, I didn't. I wasn't walking around on tip toes but I wasn't stomping either. I just went about doing what I had planned and figured he'd get up when he was ready. I didn't own his oversleeping and I didn't get into drama because of it. It was absolutely fan-freaking-tastic to feel so in control of how I reacted. (That doesn't mean that I was ok with his behavior, I did disconnect emotionally but in a way that said, I'm not okay with that behavior but I will not own it)

I can't tell you how absolutely empowering it is to feel like I'm in control of how I react. It feels like I have been set free from a monstrous burden that I was carrying and felt so out of control of. I absolutely love it! It's signs of progress for me and I will take any sign I can find that I am starting to heal!

A little lighter,

T.