I have really been struggling since disclosure. I didn't think it was going to impact me the way it has. Actually, that's not true, I DID expect it to impact me a great deal, but I also had high expectations that after disclosure B would really start working hard on recovery. If I was being completely honest, I would say I have really taken a few steps back in my recovery because of the combination of disclosure and my own lack of diligence in working my recovery. I can own that I haven't been very diligent in my recovery work and it has helped to impede my progress.
Right now my heart is aching, truly physically aching. I really, sincerely believed that once disclosure was over things would be different. B would feel lighter because he wasn't holding things back or hiding them anymore. I would feel more determined to work on my recovery because this is where I could start working on healing our relationship. Neither of those things has happened. Neither one of us has really actively been working recovery. Neither one of us wants to reach out to the other.
After disclosure I put my walls partially back up. It didn't hurt as bad at first as I anticipated it would and I even wanted to be held and comforted by B. I think he took that to mean that it was going to be as bad as it got. I tried to break it to him that it was probably going to hit me later and that the hardest was probably still yet to come. Apparently either he didn't think that was the case or I didn't clearly communicate that, because he truly didn't think it was going to get worse. When it did get worse and I had an entire week where I cried pretty much all the time and just wanted him to be the strong one and take care of me, it didn't happen. He made it about him and how hurt he was by my pain and anger. How it made him feel shame when I got angry about things that have happened and how much recovery it costing us in time and money. That's when the walls went all the way back up and haven't come down.
Maybe part of me was trying to punish him, make him feel some of the pain that I am feeling. In all honesty, I don't want to intentionally hurt or shame him. I honestly don't want to cause him hurt, but by hiding the pain from everyone for so many years I haven't let myself feel it. It's going to take time and work, and a lot of it, to be able to heal and feel safety and trust again. I am committed to working on my own recovery, but our recovery as a couple is on hold for now until I see the actions that will help me to feel safe and start to rebuild trust.
I think the thing that scares me the most is that B is not committed to working his recovery to heal himself. He flat out told me that he doesn't know what he is working on recovery for because I am not showing him love (I am paraphrasing, but the sentiment is still the same). I told him that he couldn't work recovery for us, he has to work on his own healing first. He doesn't think it's worth it, it's not enough he told me, to work on it for himself, he has to see some civility and compassion from me. That scares the SHIT out of me (pardon my language). He will never fully be in recovery if that's why he is doing it. He has to want to heal his own heart, mind and spirit before he can truly work on our healing as a couple. This has been my biggest fear going into recovery, that B won't want to get better unless I work to heal us as a couple. I can't do that right now. I have to be able to see action on his part before I can work on our healing as a couple. It's quite a stalemate we have. I can't lower my walls and let him in and he won't work on recovery because I won't lower my walls and be vulnerable. I don't know where we go from here as a couple. I know where I need to go and I am honestly getting my map out and working on heading that direction. B will have to make his own decision.
Heartbroken but recommitted,
T.
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ReplyDeleteI realized I used my non-anonymous account and deleted it, then realized I don't really care. haha. I just feel for you, and it sucks when they want us to show any gratitude for them working on recovering from an addiction they should never have brought into the marriage in the first place. Sorry! Sending strength your way to follow the map to your own happiness and healing!
DeleteThank you my friend! Your comments and support mean a lot!
DeleteIt must be really hard to break out of the mutual codependency of your relationship. B making you responsible for his recovery and the "Putting up the walls" sounds like withholding love, not setting healthy boundaries. I believe that recovery can only happen as an individual and then if both the Husband and Wife can become healthy then the relationship can thrive. I know a 1000 times easier said than done.
ReplyDeleteI really agree that both the husband and wife have to become healthy in order to heal a relationship. I appreciate your comments and feedback, however, will have to disagree that my metaphorical walls are not withholding love from B. I have had to put some emotional distance between us in order to work on healing myself and to avoid as much as possible getting sucked into the drama. I do appreciate your reading the blog and commenting.
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