It All Comes Down to Connection

I have been restless and discontented all night because I have so many things rattling around in my head and I wanted to get them out so I can sleep. Nothing would stick long enough to form a cohesive sentence about it. Everything was just a jumble. It all came together just now I had to get out of bed an write before it escaped again. The word that hit me so hard is CONNECTION. Everything comes down to that one word, connection.

Lately I have been actively seeking out connections in many areas of my life. I have been renewing my connection with B. I have been forging new connections within a community of amazingly strong women that understand what I am going through. I am strengthening the connection I have with my kids. I am trailblazing new connection with my parents. Most of all, I am seeking a connection with my Father in Heaven. He is what has strengthened me. He is where I have turned for support. Most of all He WANTS to connect with me.

When we go LifeStar we have to checkin with our group. Part of that checkin includes how we are doing spiritually. I remember describing how I was doing spiritually the first week as being like a toddler learning to walk. This last week I felt "kept". I tried to think of a better word, but this was the one I kept coming back to, kept. To me this means I am held and supported, I am provided for and I am loved. It was one word that seemed to sum all of that up. It is a fledgling connection but growing stronger all the time.

I have been relying a lot lately on my connection to those around me, especially to my sisterhood of WoPAs (Wives of Porn Addicts). I am beyond excited to get to attend The Togetherness Project next spring. I have found so much hope and healing by being able to share my battle with women who have faced the same struggles as I have. The most amazing thing to me is the instant connection I have felt with some of them. It's like they have just drawn me to them by their spirit and strength. I have also been amazed at the connections we have in our lives outside of the group (it's such a small world is something I often think). My heart aches for each of them and rejoices with those who have found happiness with or without their spouse. My only regret? This group wasn't around seventeen years ago.

I have also been seeking a deeper connection with some close friends by sharing my story. It has been so super scary, but also so incredibly freeing. I have such amazing friends. Heavenly Father has truly surrounded me with incredible people in my life. I am so truly blessed to have supportive and loving friends!

Connection has been an on and off thing with B lately. I do feel he has been trying more than in times past. I also find that when he tries to connect in ways I'm not used to, I immediately grow suspicious. I hate it, but it is what it is. When he called me at work today just to tell me he loved me, my first thought was "What's wrong? Did something happen?" and when that didn't prove to be the case my next thought was, "What is he trying to compensate for?" I'm not proud of these thoughts, but because he rarely calls me at work, they were my first thoughts. I talked to B about this tonight and we were able to process it and work through it, it was liberating to be able to openly discuss this without either of us getting upset, defensive or mad. He is trying most days to connect with me and I am trying most days to connect with him. It feels like it is a lot of work most of the time, but if I have learned anything in my life it's that anything worthwhile is worth working for.

I will forever be grateful for the connections I have in my life. I have been truly blessed by the amazing people that Heavenly Father has put in my life.

Seeking connection,

T.