This week has been long and emotional. I think I have cried more tears in the last few days than I have in the last few years. OK, well that's probably an exaggeration, but I have a "crying hangover" and have had one all week. I was going to write about doing my first Temple Session in probably seven years this morning, but I just have to get this out. *If you aren't familiar with LDS beliefs or about our Temples click here.*
Why do I have to be OK? Why don't I get to be broken? OK let me rephrase that, why am I expected to not show how broken I am. Why do I have to "get over it" and move on to healing? What don't I get to grieve?
These aren't just questions for society at large or people around me. These are questions I get to ask myself. These are questions I get to ask B.
This week as been rough for me. Far harder than I anticipated after how I felt disclosure went. Remember when I mentioned that tiny anxiety/panic attack that I had last Saturday night? The one that I said was leading me to believe that I was just starting to process things. I was right, I am just starting to process things. I am letting myself feel things that I have stuffed for the last however many years. It's bound to erupt out of me sometimes.
I want to be broken. No, actually I don't want to be broken…but I want to be allowed to feel the brokenness and process it. I get to cry. I get to be mad. I get to be hurt. I get to sob if that's what I need. I GET to do those things because I AM BROKEN. I've been betrayed and I can't trust B right now. I get to feel that.
It's gonna be hard for others to watch. It's always hard to see people that are hurting and not want to "fix" it. It is going to be particularly painful for B to watch knowing that he caused this pain. That doesn't mean I need to be "fixed". It also doesn't mean that I have to hide what I am feeling to spare B pain. I don't want to hurt him no matter how angry I am at him, but he needs to understand that part of healing for me is getting to be broken. Healing for me is allowing myself to FEEL. I haven't let myself do that for so long and it's overdue.
I want to be OK. I want to heal. Right now though, I'm not OK and I'm not healed. I am however, working on those things. In this moment, I'm giving myself permission to be broken.
Not OK but working on it,
T.
I totally understand. You are 100% allowed to be mad sad angry etc. Sometimes all you can do is cry it out.
ReplyDeleteI wish I didn't feel so mad all the time…I'm sick of anger…but a lot of the time it's soooooo much harder to hurt that I choose anger. Working on that!
DeleteI find it very healthy to connect to hurt, pain, to acknowledge it and share it as long as I own those feelings. In my experience when I face my emotional pain and allow myself to experience all of it, is when I find the divine power to heal and shift into a better state.
ReplyDeleteI also share in your experience going back the Temple after not going for several years. All I can say is keep going as often as you can. I honestly still don't understand the symbolism that much, but I can't describe the profound way going to the Temple lifts me up and makes me feel whole.
It was truly a healing experience. There is so much to learn and understand but the Spirit is so powerful!
DeleteTrue words!! I think I let the broken out a little at a time. When it's safe. When it won't have negative repercussions in my marriage.
ReplyDeleteIt seems that most days it has negative repercussions unfortunately. It's really hard to let B see the broken and trust that he's not going to get upset…that he's going to own the pain he has caused.
DeleteThank you all, it's so validating to know I'm not alone!
ReplyDelete