Thursday, December 11, 2014

D-Day Tomorrow

I don't remember our actual D-day (disclosure day), I really honestly don't. B tells me that he came to me and told me and I'm sure he did. I just don't remember it. I've blocked it out I think because I've been looking for that memory and I can't find it. I want to remember what it was like because maybe it will prepare me in some way for tomorrow.

Tomorrow we are sitting down with our therapist and B is giving me a formal disclosure. I am having so many mixed emotions. I am nervous to have it all laid out in front of me. I am relieved to finally be getting it over with. I am anxious that I won't be able to process it all. I honestly don't expect any huge surprises as to behaviors but the context and timeframe will be new. I am really anxious for the answers to my questions. It is so much to process all at once.

I have a good plan in place for myself this weekend. I have support lined up. I have a safe place to stay. I have packed an emotional first aid kit. I have everything I think I will need (I even packed the Ambien and the Xanax just in case). I'm as prepared as I feel I can be when facing this huge unknown.

The thing that I am the most frustrated about right now is the fact that B completely disconnected from me tonight. I really wanted him to be present. Tomorrow our life will shift. It won't be the same regardless of how I react or what he tells me. We will be different. I really wanted to have tonight to be together talking about how we are feeling about tomorrow. Planning for how things will look after this weekend. Talking about Christmas and our kids. None of that happened. He withdrew. Our son had a meltdown. I got tired and frustrated. It was not a great night.

If you are the praying kind, please send one up for us. If you aren't please send whatever goodwill you can our way. We could use all the support we can get as we get through D-day and move towards our healing path.

Anxiously awaiting tomorrow,


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