Stepping Into The Light

Owning my story and stepping out into the light is something that has taken me years to do. I always wanted to keep it secret. I didn't want people to judge me or my husband. We aren't bad people. When first disclosed to me almost seventeen years ago, I was ashamed. The other thing about his first disclosure is that I don't remember it. I'm pretty sure I have repressed that memory. I have been looking for it lately and I honestly cannot find it. I don't remember ANYTHING about B's first disclosure to me. That doesn't mean I don't remember the FEELINGS around it, those I do remember. I was hurt, mad and ashamed mostly. I also didn't realize what a powerful hold this addiction had on him.

I do remember later discoveries and disclosures and how each one left me a little more broken. I hid all of that completely (as well as I could anyway), because of my feelings of shame and embarrassment, for twelve very lonely years. I then told one person and we still didn't talk about it much, but it did allow me to be there for her when she found pornography in her computer history (to this day she is one of my most staunch supporters and I would be lost without her most of the time). I told a couple of people over the next few years, including my sister who is my best friend. I still felt lost and alone because I still didn't really want to talk about it. I numbed my feelings of hurt and shame with food, books (including literary porn but that's another story) and being as busy as I could be. Until a few months ago I kept thinking that if he would just stop I would be fine. The first time I heard the term Betrayal Trauma I thought, NO FREAKING WAY do I have that. Was I ever wrong (again another story…boy am I being squirreled today).

Starting a few months ago, I started stepping into the light by owning my story and sharing it as I felt impressed to do so. Overall, people have been amazingly supportive. I honestly thought people would judge me and that I would be criticized. I should have known better. I have chosen to surround myself with amazing people most of my adult life. I should have known that I would have an army of supporters when I needed it. It has been a really long time since I have felt so much love and compassion. I'm not sure I have ever let myself ever be this authentic. Why not? I was afraid of people not liking me if they knew who I really was inside.

Over Thanksgiving weekend I disclosed to a very longtime friend. She was shocked that I hadn't told her before now. I assured her that until recently I hadn't really shared with anyone. What hit me the most out of the entire conversation? That she wished I had told her sooner. Her only regret was that she hadn't been able to be there to support me all these years. I wish I had told some of my closest friends sooner. I wish I had sought out that unconditional love and support that I have received since disclosing to them.

In LifeStar the other night, one of my new friends said she has not told anyone. She doesn't want anyone to think less of her husband for this because he is an amazing man. She wanted to know if that was bad. I told her absolutely not! She's in LifeStar, she's talking to a therapist, that is part of owning her story and for her that may be enough. Everyone's story is different. Stepping into the light looks different for everyone. For a lot people, owning their story and stepping into the light may not mean that everyone around them has to know. It may not mean that anyone around them has to know. The one thing I have learned is that I personally NEED to share in order to heal. That is what owning my story and stepping into the light means for me. That doesn't mean that it is the right thing for someone else. Obviously, I am still not ready to completely come out to everyone, this blog is "anonymous" after all. I  have shared it with others as I have felt impressed to do so. I am no longer afraid of what people will think of me, because this is who I am. I still have a lot of days that I don't love who I am, but I am slowly learning that I am worth loving and I'll take that journey over the stagnation any day.

If I could tell anyone out there who has a loved one (doesn't have to be a spouse, could be a brother, sister, child, parent, whoever) that is suffering through a sex addiction anything, it would be this…find support, reach out to someone, know that you aren't alone. This does not have to own you because you are more than this addiction and trauma. There is an amazing amount of help and support out there. If you don't know where to go, reach out to me through the comments or email (awifeprogressing(at)gmail(dot)com). I also have a tab at the top with some resources listed. Most of all just know that this addiction doesn't make your loved one a bad person and you are not weak or less than because you love them and have stood by them. You are strong, you are not alone and most of all, YOU ARE ENOUGH!

Stepping into the light,

T.