Finding Some Humility

I hate it when I let my trauma get the best of me…but I have certainly done that a lot lately. Tonight I made some strides in recognizing it though.

I came home tonight after a very long and taxing day at work and just snapped…at everyone…about everything. I tried to talk to B. about it, but it didn't go well because I didn't recognize my trigger and name it for what it was, so I reacted instead to it instead of coping with it.

I realized that when I come in the door from work if B. is looking at his phone or his computer, then I get triggered. That was the case tonight, only I didn't recognize the trigger. Instead I got mad and tried to bully everyone into doing what I thought they should be doing. Then when I tried to talk to B. I went into persecutor mode and he went to victim. It wasn't nice or pretty. I don't know what finally got through to me, but I realized that I was triggered and reacting to that trigger. It was a lightbulb moment for me (the kind I like) and I was able to be able to name it and start to draw on some tools to deal with it.

I eventually apologized to B. for reacting out of fear and lashing out in anger. I truly am sorry for acting that way. I don't like being that way. In fact I hate it.

I hope that now I have named the trigger that I will be able to better cope with it and work through it instead of reacting to it. We have a long way to go together and I genuinely hope that one day we will heal together as a couple. For today, I am grateful for one more piece in the puzzle that is my recovery.

I am grateful to my Heavenly Father for the Atonement and the chance to be forgiven. I am so thankful for the ability to converse with him through prayer and to find a measure of comfort and peace. I don't like that I have to find humility by acknowledging my weakness, but I am grateful none-the-less for that humility. I love learning and growing no matter how painful it is. I love that I am getting the chance to be the best me that I can be.

A little more humble,

T.