Yesterday one of my coworkers came to visit me and brought me some fun things for my surgical recovery. It was a great visit and she threw out, "Hey, I am going to visit my husband on his travel assignment and I know your sister is nearby, we have room why don't you come?" I initially dismissed it as an impossibility, but quickly rethought as I have been missing my sister and parents a lot lately and it would be great to see them. My kids already had plans to go spend a couple nights with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law and I knew it would probably not be a problem for them to stay all weekend, so that wasn't a concern. B has to work today and tomorrow so I was going to be home alone anyway those two days. I am off work and really had nothing planned, so I decided as long as B didn't have any major reason why I shouldn't go, that I would jump at the chance. Today finds me all alone in my parents house (as they are out of town) and wow has it been a day. Like I said, my parents are out of town (just until tomorrow), my niece and nephew are in school and my sister and brother-in-law are working today. It turns out that time for me, all by myself with nothing at all scheduled or planned was exactly what I needed.
I was walking across the kitchen headed to get in the shower when mid-stride it was like I hit an emotional force field. I don't even know how to describe it. From one step to the next it was like a dam had broken open and all these sobs just started wracking my body. I mean literally out of nowhere. This has NEVER happened to me before. Ever. I immediately knew that a lot of my numbness was gone and I was feeling again, feeling things that I hadn't allowed myself to feel in years. I KNEW, as surely as I knew I needed to take my next breath, what I HAD to do. I needed to sit down right then and record my thoughts and feelings in order to process what was happening. What came out was a five page handwritten letter to my parents. It did not detail what our particular struggles are right now, but explained a little of what is going on. It was my opening to them to let them in and ask for their support. It actually shocked me. I had no intention of telling them, I haven't for a long time. It was such a surreal experience. I had to take a few breaks during writing because I was literally sobbing so hard that I couldn't see. I'm not sure I have ever cried that hard, not associated with my recovery, of that I'm certain. I have read accounts where other wives have talked about curling up on the floor sobbing, but I have never actually felt that way until today. That's what I wanted to do, curl up on the floor and sob.
It was an incredibly powerful experience for me and I don't want to forget what that letter says, so I am going to type it out here. Know that I am doing this for me and for B, so he can know what I shared with them. Feel free to continue reading if you would like to, if I had wanted to keep it private I wouldn't have shared it here. It may help someone else who is looking to build a bridge towards someone important to them. I have not rewritten or edited this letter at all, I am retyping it exactly as it came out as the time (other than where it was necessary to use only initials for privacy sake).
Dar Mama & Daddy,
Thank you for letting me stay here, even though you didn't know I was coming. I guess I should say, thank you for always making me feel like I can call your home mine, even with I don't live here.
I know you always worry about me & that over the years I have given you plenty of reason to worry. I want you to know that you have taught me well, and that no matter what else happens, with you as my parents I will always be ok. I love you more than words can say.
I know you are probably worried about me traveling a week after surgery. I'm sure you are concerned for both my healing & my finances. Please put your minds to rest knowing that it's ok. I feel great. At this point fatigue is my only real issue. As for financially, there is very little expense to me. My friend was already coming, had room for one more & asked me to come with her. It was a good arrangement for both of us and just fell into place.
I needed to be here. I needed a few days to myself to not worry about my family or anyone else's schedule and this was the perfect solution. My kids already had plans to spend the weekend in C with M & S. B has to work Thursday & Friday. You guys won't be home until tomorrow night. M has to work the next 2 days. It was the perfect opportunity for me to spend some time alone with my thoughts & do some soul searching.
I haven't wanted to/been ready to share some stuff with you, but I feel I need to now. I'm sure it's no mystery to you that mine is not a great marriage. I'm sure that is obvious every time we see you. Part of the reason I haven't wanted to tell you how bad it really is, is because you love me so much and want only the very best for me. I know you don't think B is the very best for me. I didn't want to give you one more reason to think that. My problems in my marriage didn't need that added pressure. That's on me to own & not you. I would've put the added pressure on and not you. Please know that I probably still won't share the details with you, but that I want to let you in so that you can be in my corner & know what is going on.
I was ready to leave B this spring. I was ready to file for divorce and end my 19 year marriage. But, I knew that I hadn't given every ounce of fight I had to give to save it. Neither one of us can bear all the blame for the problems in our marriage, and I knew that until I worked to fix me, I couldn't say that I had given all I have to give. I started seeing a counselor & then we went together. We are now both seeing individual counselors & attending group support meetings. We are both putting more effort into being our best selves & to mending our broken relationship.
I am still struggling with a lot of things that I have shoved down for many years. It's hard and painful self-reflection…but I have faith that I will be a more whole person on the other side. Thank you for having a safe place for me to come to be by myself for a couple of days to work on this. I have really needed it.
I am not writing this to you so that you have more cause to worry about me. Rather, I am writing it so that you will know that for the first time in years, I'm really trying to be the best me that I can be. I am working on my faith, building my testimony & healing what is broken inside me.
I love you both so much. I am so thankful that you were chosen to be my eternal parents. I want you to know the real me, the one that I have been hiding from almost everyone for a really long time. I'm not always a ray of sunshine to be around, frequently actually, I'm not (as if that surprises you). But, I want to be able to share those less than perfect parts of me with my parents who love me. I have missed you more than I have realized. We talk almost everyday, but rarely get below the surface. I know that's my fault, and I am working to change that. Thanks for loving me not matter what. Whatever I am going through, that is one thing I will always know is true.
I hope you know that I love you both no matter what as well. I am so blessed to have both my parents still, & to be able to reach out to you. You have blessed me to have the Gospel in my life, and for that alone I am more grateful that words can express. But, you have also blessed both mine & my family's lives with physical abundance as well. Thank you for all you do for us.
I love you both very much!
love,
T.
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