Roller Coaster Emotions

This last week has been very up and down for me emotionally. I have wanted to blog for days now, but have been so exhausted emotionally and physically that I just haven't been able to compose a coherent sentence at the end of the day, which is when I have the time available to blog. I decided early today that I would make sharing my thoughts a priority tonight.

I started seeing a new counselor this week. I wanted to find one that specialized in recovery from sexual addiction and spousal support. It seems I have found a great one. I know she sees the whole spectrum of emotions and stages of recovery come through her office, but I couldn't help but think when I got there and burst in to tears about ten seconds after introducing myself, "She is going to think I am an emotional basket case". Let's face it some days I am. The only thing I felt when I left was that this was where I am supposed to be. I know all counselors are supposed to maintain a judgement free attitude, I have seen enough of them to know that isn't always how it comes across, but I felt like I was in a completely judgment free zone during the time we spent together. This visit was timed perfectly. You see, right before I left work to head to my appointment, I had a particularly ugly phone call with a coworker that hit me pretty hard. Thus the tears the moment I entered the office. It was a while before I actually got to the point in the visit where I shared the main reason I was there. Recovery. This first visit was more about getting to know each other a bit and me being able to share my story, but I left there with a book to read and more hope than I have had in a really long time. 

I took a pretty big emotional hit when I found out early last week that my childhood best friend was going through a crisis with her husband's health. I was devastated not to be able to be with her. We live about four hours apart these days, and I just couldn't leave to go see them. My heart is aching for her and her family. Her husband is fighting tooth and nail for his life and he is one heck of a fighter. That then led to feelings of guilt because my husband is here and "healthy" and I am struggling so much. I quickly cycled out of that thinking for a few reasons: a - my husband only appears healthy, he is actually fighting his own battle, b - I can't compare my trials with anyone else's, this is my burden to bear and I am learning and growing from it, c - I know I wouldn't wish this one anyone, especially my close friend, and she wouldn't wish her trial on me. I'm such a caregiver by nature (sometimes too much so) that I want to be there for her just to hug her and let her know she is loved. I have had to settle for sending her texts and loving her from here. She hasn't been far from my thoughts all week.

I am so truly blessed with amazing friends. I made time to go to lunch with two of my friends on Saturday and enjoy some much needed 'me time'. I am always amazed by how much support these two amazing women give me, no matter how silly or stupid I act, they still love me. We started working together on the same day over three years ago, we are all in different departments now, but it just doesn't matter, we are still bonded. We are different ages, religions, marital statuses, from different parts of the country, different stages of health and fitness…but none of that matters, it just doesn't. These strong women have been my support network and my go-to-girls for everything from sharing a laugh, a tear, a frustration and a peaceful moment. They really are my life-line a lot of days.

While none of this even touches on the issues in my marriage, well with the exception of my new counselor, it is still relevant. Why? Because it all makes up parts of my mental and spiritual well being. While riding the emotional roller coaster of my life, every one of these events has an impact on which way I go. I have a support system that I have created and I have used it this week. As I travel this path, I hope to pick up light from this support network and to then be able to share it with others.