We have definitely had an eye opening week here. Well, maybe eye opening isn't the right word, more like a vault opening week. We have opened our emotional vaults and let a little of the reserve go. It's been a painful and difficult process, but overall I think it has been at least somewhat enlightening for both of us. Honesty is such a double edged sword sometimes, it is so painful to hear but can lead to such a great reward…recovery.
***Warning: Some of this post might be a little bit TMI, read on at your own risk***
When B posted the other day that I had rejected him, he's right, I did. Twice in one day I told him that I didn't want to have sex, that I didn't feel safe enough emotionally to have sex. Not 'make love' you say? Nope. We haven't made love in a really long time, it's been sex between us for quite some time now. That is probably a whole post in itself, so I'll leave it for now. It's always been really hard for B when I have not accepted his sexual advances, but I think this is the first time I have ever been completely honest with him and told him that I didn't feel emotionally safe. I haven't felt safe for a long time, but I have always had the thought in the back of my mind, "If I don't have sex with him is he going to turn to porn?" I know anyone out there reading this who has any experience with sexual addiction KNOWS that this isn't true. Intellectually I know it's not true, but emotionally, that a whole different story. I am an intelligent woman, my brain knows that B turning to his addiction to cope is NOT about my willingness to have sex, my heart still has trouble accepting that after all these years.
That then led to me admitting to B that I have a great fear of him relapsing in the near future. The reason for this fear is that next week I am having surgery to fix my leaky bladder (see a lot of TMI in this post), and after surgery I will have complete pelvic rest for SIX WEEKS. Yes, I said SIX WEEKS. That means no sex for B or me for six weeks. Naturally, that dang fragile heart of mine wonders, 'how is he going to go six weeks without sex or porn?' He of course wanted to know if I would be willing to do "other things" to help him work off some of that frustration…I told him "I don't know", in all honesty, I doubt it. That is all about him, not about us and doesn't really help me heal at all. The really hard part for me? I shouldn't have to worry about this. At one point a couple of weeks ago, I even considered postponing my surgery until we were a little further in to recovery, but now is the best time for me to have it and I don't want to put off my health because of his addiction.
There have been a lot of tears shed between us this week. B gets hurt, upset and frustrated that I am not supportive of his recovery because I don't celebrate the progress he has made and have faith that he won't relapse. I get hurt, upset, frustrated and downright mad that he can't see how hard this is for me to celebrate because I still feel that my needs are not being met. A couple of weeks ago I gave him a list of things that I needed from him to feel safe in our relationship. He still feels like I'm punishing him with them and honestly doesn't even remember what most of them are, except the ones he feels he can't meet. I really tried to keep my cool and not raise my voice and yell like I tend to do and I did a pretty decent job at it for most of our discussion. This is a huge step for me. Eventually the discussion deteriorated to a mutual hurt fest and became highly unproductive and we both ended up feeling hurt and unloved. We still haven't resolved a lot of this and it's a huge road block right now, but it's something we need to take a step away from for the time being. I don't think we will reach any sort of agreement on this until we both work through some of our individual recovery.
I am meeting with a new counselor on Thursday, a woman who specializes in counseling individuals and couples working through the process of recovery from sexual addictions. I decided that I needed to see someone on my own. B goes back to see his counselor next week. They are both in the same office and I hope in the future we can have some sessions together, but right now I need to work through some of my recovery independently.
I really have hope that our family can heal and that we will come out the other side of this stronger than we have ever been. I told B the other day that I think it is going to get worse before it gets better and in all reality, that scares the crap out of me. I have made a commitment to work on our recovery for six months without making any kind of final decision and will reevaluate at that time. The actual date in my mind is a little less than six months from now, it's our twentieth wedding anniversary next March. My goal is that in that six months we will have made enough progress to be able to shut that emotional vault, knowing that at any time we can open it and share what is inside freely and without reservation. I hope that as the bankers of our emotional vaults that we can loan each other the emotional, spiritual and loving support that we need to become the dynamic couple that we both hoped we could be when we started this journey together. I am going to nurture that seed of hope for now, praying that it grows every day.
Hesitantly hopeful,
T.
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