I'm having a hard time writing tonight because I'm angry. I'm angry at a lot of things, but mostly just mad at my life in general. I want to just put it all out there for now, maybe it will help get some of the anger and frustration I am feeling resolved. If you need an uplifting and hopeful post, this is not the one for you. It's not going to sound hopeful and it may even sound a bit selfish and ranty. Consider yourself warned, today is not a day for sunshine and rainbows but rather for thunder, lightning and wind.
It seems like lately I need my rain gear and umbrella. I know I am choosing to focus on the bad, but I'm hoping that by getting it out there I will be able to let it go. It seems like when it rains it pours. Let's just start with the expenses and homeowner problems we've had lately. We have a three year old refrigerator that we have had to sink $400+ dollars into and it still isn't fixed (thank goodness we kept the old one and have it in the garage to act as a stand in). Then, our vehicle has been stalling as we drive it down the road and with B out of work we can't afford to take it in to the shop to be looked at, so we are down to one vehicle with three drivers all going different directions. Then B sent me a picture today on my phone of where a mouse or something has made a hole all the way from the outside of the garage through the door frame into the garage. Oh and did I mention, that this has caused water damage from all our rain we've gotten lately? Are you serious!?! We live in a three year old home for crying out loud!!! So, now we have to call an exterminator to come find the pest and rid us of it, so we don't have to keep fixing the same hole. As a result, I took tomorrow off of work very last minute to get things in the garage straightened out so we can get it organized and make sure that that is the only damage. On a positive note, did I mention how awesome my co-workers are? They didn't even bat an eye at covering for me tomorrow so I could take care of things.
Now, I'll just touch on the emotional baggage I'm trying to clean out right now. My mom called to talk last night (we talk almost every day) and decided that she needed to give me her opinion on what we need to improve on in order for B to find a job. It ended up being a nasty discussion that we both ended up in tears from. It really threw me for a loop and upset B because of some of the things she said. I've tried to let it go today, knowing that she is my mom and she only wants what she thinks is the best for me and that even when she is mad at me she still loves me. Sometimes that's easier said than done. I've also had such conflicting emotions about my "worthiness" to seek recovery as the wife of a porn addict. I keep thinking, "What right do I have to feel hurt and betrayed by my husband's actions when I have my own addictions to deal with?" I am still really trying to come to grips with the fact that just because I have my own faults doesn't excuse B from the pain he has caused me. It's pretty tempting to just say I don't deserve to feel this way and so I'm not going to look for support. The logical part of me knows that this is my own shame and guilt eating away at me and that I am as much in need of recovery and healing from the pain caused to me as I am from the addictions that have a hold of me.
None of this even begins to address my feelings about B's recovery and how it is progressing and how I am working through all that. I will save that for another day as I'm having a hard time keeping my eyelids open right now.
I am sorry for the ranting jag and that I didn't have something uplifting or hopeful to post today. It is what it is today. You get the unadulterated ugly truth here, it's the only way we are going to heal. I needed to let that all go tonight so that I can face my day tomorrow with optimism as to what can be accomplished. We only need to turn it over to Him.
Worn out and frustrated,
T.
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