Honesty

In our 12 Step meeting yesterday we were discussing Step 1: Honesty. This is the step I am currently working on. It is also the step that I see B struggle the most with…honesty. I feel like he not only isn't honest with me, he isn't honest with himself either. I really feel like he needs to study and evaluate this step every.single.day. I'll say it again…he needs to evaluate this every.single.day. He needs to ask himself, am I being honest with myself, do I really feel like I am powerless over this addiction? It may seem harsh to criticize his "working the steps" and how I feel he should do it, because I know, as does anyone involved with an addict, that their pride can make them push back against such harsh criticism. Let me explain a little further why I feel this way.

B has said that it frustrates him that I don't trust him. I get that, I really do. It frustrates me at times that I can't just "get over it" and trust that he is truly working at recovery. The truth is, he isn't working hard at recovery. Let me explain it using an analogy. Let's say B is a beautiful antique mahogany table. Now we know mahogany is expensive and prized for high end furniture, just like B is prized as a husband, father and child of God. Well his addiction is like years of abuse happening to this table, it's nicked, scarred, has it's varnish missing in a lot of spots, there are water rings that over the years have created permanent damage to the table top, the legs are wobbly and loose. Over the years he has tried to repair himself…braced a leg here, thrown a cloth over the worst spots, propped the table in the corer so it had support, but never really "fixed" the problems. Lately he has been putting more effort into repairing the table. He has fixed the wobbly legs with a patch job underneath. He has started to sand out some of the varnish to make the table ready for a stronger polyurethane coating to help it resist future damage and has found a beautiful tablecloth to accent the table. The table is staged with quality items and looks like on the outside it is ready for use. The problem is, he hasn't really addressed the issues of the table, but has made a stronger effort at bracing the problems and starting to wear them down. The legs are only marginally stronger and the top is still scarred and pitted. The top needs a good sanding and the legs need a more permanent fix…or in other words B needs to take things back to the beginning and adequately repair the foundation of the table and sand it down until nothing of the old scratches and dings remain. He really has started the project of repairing himself, and to the naked eye it looks good, but the hard work remains. He needs to take things down to the bare bones and start building from the bottom up. He needs to address the issues that cause him to turn to porn in the first place. He needs to be honest that while he is "white knuckling" it through right now, he hasn't addressed the actual powerlessness he truly has in this situation.

I think the rules he has made are a great start at controlling the behaviors, I don't really believe he honestly has admitted to himself just how completely this addiction controls his life. He has replaced the addiction for the time being with something better, but he hasn't really addressed the fact that he is completely powerless over this, it is much bigger than he is. For over fifteen years now I have watched him try to make the table stronger through temporary measures, but these always fail, because he isn't doing the work and working the steps. I have read and reread the information on Step 1 in the recovery manual. I have taken notes, marked scriptures and really tried to be honest and admit that I can't control my food addiction but I am not quite ready to make every change I need to make. Why is it ok for me and not for him you ask? It's not ok for me, and I don't trust myself to always turn my will over to the Lord and to be honest in my powerlessness. The problem comes in the fact that I don't trust B period. It  is going to take a lot to build that up. He is going to have to work the steps. He's going to have to take notes, read scriptures, work in his workbook, not have excuses and really and sincerely start meeting even my basic emotional needs before I will be able to start thinking about trusting him.

I often feel guilty about the anger, mistrust and animosity that I frequently feel about his recovery, but I'm trying to let that go. I have to let him make the choices on his own and live the consequences that may come with those choices. I am often worried that by having such feelings of apathy towards his recovery that I will in some way set him back. That is not my call, he will do what he will do regardless of how I think or feel. The problem is the complacency I see on his part when he has "resisted" for a short length of time. He's not working at recovery, he's working at making that table look beautiful without taking the time and effort to create a permanent fix.

I am working on setting my boundaries, the boundaries that I need to set in order to start to feel safe in my home and my relationship. Some of these boundaries will be tough for B to accept but I have to feel safe, and I don't. This was going to be a short post but apparently I needed to get more of the story out there.

T.