I'll Huff and I'll Puff...

Last night was a rough night. I had a melt down. Honestly, I'm not sure what exactly triggered it, or if it was just a combination of things, but melt down I did. I'm not going to throw blame or spill all the gory details, because frankly I don't want to relive them, I just want to learn and grow from them. What was at the heart of the entire episode was that I feel like I'm one of the Three Little Pigs, and that the Big Bad Wolf is standing outside.

I told B, in a very watery and sniffly display, that I feel like at any minute everything is going to come tumbling down around me. As you can imagine with B off work and us being like most Americans, our financial picture isn't the shiniest. I feel like B is making positive changes but not necessarily the ones I need him to make. At work things have been very hectic and stressful and are only looking to get more stressful. I am scheduled to have some minor surgery next month and I won't be able to get a lot done for a couple of weeks after that. I feel like all of this put together is a very shaky house made of straw and that The Big Bad Wolf (aka. Satan) is standing outside waiting and he is starting to huff and puff and at any minute it is all going to come crashing down. I didn't even realize until last night that I was feeling this way, but once I really looked at what was bothering me I saw it, as clear as day, I am waiting for the crash. 

Just like B, I am very overwhelmed. I feel like for every step forward we take that we take three steps back. He thinks things are going well, well he thought that until the nuclear fall-out last night. I kept thinking, how can he not see? I guess I'm not communicating well enough with him. I don't think we are doing well, I think we are treading water, at least I feel like I am treading water in our relationship. I feel like I am afraid to move forward for fear of getting my heart broken yet again. It's like I have so little faith in his recovery that I don't even want to hope for a better future. That in turn, it ends up hurting him. It hurts him that I can't simply trust that he is working at recovery and that things are getting better. I don't want to hurt him, but I am so afraid of not being protected that I can't seem to move past the hurt right now. 

I was rereading this post, where I talked about things I wish B knew, and what I said there remains unchanged. These three things particularly stuck out to me, so I am going to repeat them:

-Every time you make an excuse as to why you haven't done something that I need you to do by citing the positive things that you DID get done, it reminds me of the talk by Elder Oaks about Good, Better and Best activities. The things that you are accomplishing and doing are GOOD a lot of them are even BETTER than anything you have done in years. However, I need you to do the BEST things for our marriage. Right now, that means I need to you live within the boundaries I have requested in order to feel safe.

-I see the progress you are making and it really means a lot to me. I don't want to discount the work you are doing or the effort you are making. 

-I don't have a lot to give you emotionally right now. I need to work on myself and focus on repairing my broken spirit. I want to support your recovery but I just don't have much support to give.

I really do want you to succeed, and I really do want to have hope, but I'm really struggling with that right now. Be patient please. Please meet me at least half way, be willing to sacrifice what you want for what I need in order to build my trust in you. I can't make you change, but I am asking you, please make the changes you need to make in order for us to move forward. I will work on building my own faith as well.

Tonight, for now, we are safe. Our house is still standing and all the huffing and puffing hasn't blown it down yet.

With a sincere prayer in my heart,

T.