Seeing Me

I realized this morning, after an excruciating night of pain and fighting, that B hasn't seen the real me in years, I haven't let him. It's scary for me to let him see the me that I've been hiding, because some days she's not very happy. I realized I have been protecting B in some ways for years from the consequences of his addiction. I haven't let him see the pain and anger that his acting out has caused because I was always afraid that it would just give him one more reason to turn to porn. I let some of it out yesterday and he didn't like it at all. He found a way to make it all about him, even though I was trying to be honest with him. It hurts, it really really hurts and B thinks I'm overreacting. I don't come here to air our dirty laundry, but I need someplace that I can be me and it's ok to feel whatever I'm feeling.

It started with a question from me about who he wanted to be his accountability partner for Covenant Eyes, because it can't be me right now. He doesn't feel he needs one unless it's me. His words were, "I don't need an acceptability partner because there is no shame in confessing if I slip. I have faith that I'm not going to slip and if I do there is no shame in confessing it." Those may not be his exact words, but they were along that line. He's in the recovery honeymoon, I get it, I've been there too. Someday maybe he will forgive me for not having the same amount of faith in him, because I don't. I do love him, and I really want to hope that we are past the acting out and lying, but I'm not there yet. 

I'll explain why I want him to have an accountability partner and why it can't be me. I want him to have someone that he can talk to on a regular basis about any slips or temptations. I want him to have someone he can reach out to if he needs to. Right now I can't be that person. It hurts too much when he slips and I honestly don't want to hear about all his temptations right now. I want to know that when/if he has a slip HE takes accountability to tell me about it. I need that honesty and open communication. Right now I need there to be no more dishonesty or lying. I feel like if I was getting an accountability report for him that he would let that be his disclosure to me instead of taking the accountability to come tell me. 

I think I understand why he wants me to get the report. He feels that if I was getting the report it would be that much more of a deterrent to acting out. He feels that it would help protect him from acting out. I get that, but I can't be the police anymore. I can't be used to police his activity anymore. I've done that for years. Played Sherlock Holmes to uncover any suspicious activity, questioned him like a suspect and tried to get him to break down. I can't do it anymore. I just can't. I don't want the fear of getting caught acting out to be what motivates him. I need to know that our family and our marriage are worth not acting out for. I need to know that the joy he finds in recovery and in truly connecting with me and our children are worth not acting out for.

It seems like a little minor issue to him, and maybe it is, to him. But it isn't to me. It's a big issue. I need him to have a support person other than me. He keeps saying he is going to find one but he hasn't yet. If he doesn't want someone to get his accountability report, then so be it, I won't ever force that on him, it's his choice. He doesn't see it as a choice, his exact words were, "It's not really a choice because if I don't find someone to get my report then there is a consequence." Yep there is. There is always a consequence and we have to deal with them. 

I let the "discussion" get out of hand and it deteriorated over the afternoon. I should have walked away much sooner than I did. I was accused of being unsupportive, unforgiving, manipulative, making it so that he couldn't concentrate on his work and letting one little thing ruin our happiness. It hurt, it really really hurt. I tried to let it go. I tried to say, it's his "addict brain" talking and not the man I was starting to see. But, the thing that hurts the most is that he doesn't think it should hurt. He doesn't think that I have the right to be hurt and angry some days. Somehow, after 17 years of lying and acting out, of him turning to porn instead of to me, I'm supposed to just embrace the new him. The man who IS working recovery, the man who has made HUGE steps in honesty and openness. I DO see these changes, changes that have NEVER happened before. I do embrace this man, hesitantly because I'm afraid of him disappearing. It will hurt so much more because I have seen the changes in him, I LOVE the changes in him. I am not ready to embrace those changes wholeheartedly yet because it will hurt so much if those changes aren't truly permanent.

We both have so far to go in our individual recovery and the recovery of our marriage. He feels that I am sabotaging our recovery as a couple with my anger and lack of faith. I feel that I have made huge strides in our recovery as a couple but that I have work to do on myself that will greatly help us as a couple. I love my husband, probably more so now than I have in years. I want to make my marriage work. I want to be happy in my relationship again. I honestly do. But I need to feel safe again. I need to feel like it's ok to be me and to have bad days and that he will still love me and not turn to porn. I need time, I may need lots and lots of time. 

Hurting still,

T.