Change

Part of working on my recovery, is working on my own coping techniques/addiction. I have a real issue with being addicted to food. My counselor has explained to me that this is a process addiction very similar to the addition to pornography, and that there are some great resources out there. She and I started working through the LifeStyle Transformation Step 1 book and she gave me some assignments. So far this has been very helpful and informative. I was working through some of it just now and it really struck a chord with me both in my personal struggles with addiction and with my struggles with B's addiction. I am directly quoting the Step 1 Supplement form LifeStyle Transformation. I am not promoting it, I just wanted to share what it said as it really hit a nerve with me.

"Whatever the reasons, we tend to resist change. But healthy changes also free us as we work through the blocks…Change holds truth, and truth sets us free.

While change brings up resistance, the road to recovery is a place of wanting change, believing it is possible, committing to it, and replacing the lies in your head with truth."

These simple yet profound statements reveal so much to me about the whys of change, and the reasons I need to embrace it both in myself and in my marriage. I have struggled for so long with the lies in my head about my marriage. I have told myself that if I leave, B will relapse. If I put too strict of boundaries on B, he will relapse. If I would just lose weight he won't need porn. Lies. Lies. Lies. All of them lies to myself. Fear controlling all my actions. NO MORE! I will no longer allow myself to be controlled by fear.

I am not responsible for B's recovery, I am only responsible for my own. One of my fears has been "What if I lose the weight and he still doesn't chose recovery? What does that say about me?" More than anything, what that fear says about me is that I am choosing to let his decisions dictate my own by giving in to my fears. NOT ANY MORE! My recovery is my own and as hard as it is going to be, I am finally able to take control. I will not be controlled by my fears anymore. I will have set backs, I will have days that I want to give up, I have many many hard days ahead of me. But I am finally at a point where I feel like I am in charge of my own life and that I am ready to hand it over to my Father in Heaven to do with it what he will. As hard as that is going to be. I am finally ready.

I want to change.

I FINALLY believe it is possible.

I am committed to it.

I am ready to replace the lies in my head with the truth.

Taking action,

T.

Not a Feel Good Post

I'm having a hard time writing tonight because I'm angry. I'm angry at a lot of things, but mostly just mad at my life in general. I want to just put it all out there for now, maybe it will help get some of the anger and frustration I am feeling resolved. If you need an uplifting and hopeful post, this is not the one for you. It's not going to sound hopeful and it may even sound a bit selfish and ranty. Consider yourself warned, today is not a day for sunshine and rainbows but rather for thunder, lightning and wind.

It seems like lately I need my rain gear and umbrella. I know I am choosing to focus on the bad, but I'm hoping that by getting it out there I will be able to let it go. It seems like when it rains it pours. Let's just start with the expenses and homeowner problems we've had lately. We have a three year old refrigerator that we have had to sink $400+ dollars into and it still isn't fixed (thank goodness we kept the old one and have it in the garage to act as a stand in). Then, our vehicle has been stalling as we drive it down the road and with B out of work we can't afford to take it in to the shop to be looked at, so we are down to one vehicle with three drivers all going different directions. Then B sent me a picture today on my phone of where a mouse or something has made a hole all the way from the outside of the garage through the door frame into the garage. Oh and did I mention, that this has caused water damage from all our rain we've gotten lately? Are you serious!?! We live in a three year old home for crying out loud!!! So, now we have to call an exterminator to come find the pest and rid us of it, so we don't have to keep fixing the same hole. As a result, I took tomorrow off of work very last minute to get things in the garage straightened out so we can get it organized and make sure that that is the only damage. On a positive note, did I mention how awesome my co-workers are? They didn't even bat an eye at covering for me tomorrow so I could take care of things. 

Now, I'll just touch on the emotional baggage I'm trying to clean out right now. My mom called to talk last night (we talk almost every day) and decided that she needed to give me her opinion on what we need to improve on in order for B to find a job. It ended up being a nasty discussion that we both ended up in tears from. It really threw me for a loop and upset B because of some of the things she said. I've tried to let it go today, knowing that she is my mom and she only wants what she thinks is the best for me and that even when she is mad at me she still loves me. Sometimes that's easier said than done. I've also had such conflicting emotions about my "worthiness" to seek recovery as the wife of a porn addict. I keep thinking, "What right do I have to feel hurt and betrayed by my husband's actions when I have my own addictions to deal with?" I am still really trying to come to grips with the fact that just because I have my own faults doesn't excuse B from the pain he has caused me. It's pretty tempting to just say I don't deserve to feel this way and so I'm not going to look for support. The logical part of me knows that this is my own shame and guilt eating away at me and that I am as much in need of recovery and healing from the pain caused to me as I am from the addictions that have a hold of me. 

None of this even begins to address my feelings about B's recovery and how it is progressing and how I am working through all that. I will save that for another day as I'm having a hard time keeping my eyelids open right now. 

I am sorry for the ranting jag and that I didn't have something uplifting or hopeful to post today. It is what it is today. You get the unadulterated ugly truth here, it's the only way we are going to heal. I needed to let that all go tonight so that I can face my day tomorrow with optimism as to what can be accomplished. We only need to turn it over to Him. 

Worn out and frustrated,

T.

Sharing my Feelings

I think you can tell by now that I am much more analytical, while my wife is more emotional. I think there is value in both approaches, however I need to get more in touch with my feelings. I am not very good at opening up and sharing my feelings. Today "T" gave me a page out of her journal to read. It described exactly how she is feeling and how our relationship is going. She described my actions and how she feels about them. The most striking thing about this journal entry is that it wasn't written recently. It was written in 2004. Have we made any progress since then? We have had good times and bad times during the last 10 years. I guess I need to evaluate myself to determine if the "bad times" are getting less bad. I would have to say this latest crisis is as bad as the worst of them. How I respond to this crisis will determine our future. I feel I need to share my feelings directly with my wife.
"T," I remember when we were first married and so in love. As you know, I was an addict even then. For maybe the first 6 months to a year I thought being married to you had cured me. I don't remember even being tempted. Of course in any marriage at some point the "honeymoon" ends. I don't remember when I fell prey to my addiction again, but I know it was in response to some stress or challenge of daily life. You know this, but I need to tell you, nothing you have ever done has contributed to the addiction. It is all my problem. I truly believe this now. I have to admit that before, I have always felt you had some little part in my addiction. If only you were skinny, if only you were happy all the time, I would be more attracted to you and have more control over my addiction. This is a very destructive lie that Satan has used to keep me in bondage. "T," I know I have told you this many times before, but I have changed. Only my actions will be able to convince you of this. I can't tell you I will always make the right choice. Today I should have gone to church.  I know that, but I am really trying. Step 9 in the Addiction Recovery Program is to make direct restitution to those you have harmed. You are the person I have harmed the most. I want to show you that I can be that man you thought you were marrying. I want to be able to grow old with you and be able to look back on our life together with fond memories. I want the next 10 years and more to be the best of our life. Please be patient.  We have been blessed with wonderful children. I am amazed at the example they set for me. I know that is so backwards. I want to be able to set a good example for them. We had a wonderful day together yesterday. I know we can have many wonderful days together in the future. "T", I know that I can be healed through the Savior's love. He died for me. I will strive to look to him in the future. I love you very much.

B

Hesitantly Hopeful

Complacent is an adjective that means; pleased, especially with oneself or one's merits, advantages, without awareness of some potential danger or defect; self-satisfied.

It's interesting that we both decided to blog about relatively the same thing today. This week has been very emotionally taxing for me. In addition to all that is happening in our marriage, it has been a really rough week at work. I've also had some emotionally charged conversations with a couple of different friends and my mom has decided that every time we talk we need to rehash her concerns and feelings on my husband's unemployment. I'm spent, so it's no wonder to me at all that I start to get wary when I start to see "B" becoming complacent.

It happens every time. He starts to rely on himself to change instead of turning the battle over to Heavenly Father. He has a few good weeks, even some good months, and starts to trust in his own ability to stay in recovery without using the tools that helped him get "sober" in the first place. It scares me when I see this happen because I know each day that goes by without him using his tools put him that much further away from where he needs to be. When this happens I start to close myself off again from him, which then pushes him even further away. It's a vicious cycle, and one I am happy that he chose to break today by blogging.

I had a small victory of my own today. I had a rough day at work and I needed to talk to someone. Normally I would call my sister because she just gets me. She will listen through my blubbering to hear what's behind my words. Today, when I needed to talk she wasn't the first person I called. I wanted to talk to my husband and get comfort from him. I don't know when the last time that happened was. I haven't trusted him with my feelings or my heart for a long time. I am so afraid to hope for change, and yet my heart felt otherwise. It was hopeful that if I called he would listen to me cry and just be supportive. He did. He was. I don't know if that has ever happened before, it most assuredly hasn't in a long time if it has. I turned to my husband for comfort and he provided it. That may seem like a no brainer to a lot of people, but it really hasn't been that way between us for a long time. It felt good.

This isn't even talking about the favor he did for me later in the day. I have told him time and again that it is the little things that make the difference. If I can trust him to keep his word and take care of the little things. I will start to be able to trust him to take care of the big things.

I don't want to hope, it's too scary. I have been hurt so many times before when I let a little hope in. I am hopeful though, despite my best efforts not to be.

Thank you hone for being there for me today. Thank you for being a man of action today and for shrugging off your complacency.

Hesitantly Hopeful,

T.

Unintentially Intentional Insomnia

It's 2:00 AM and I'm still awake. Forget the fact that physically I could have probably gone to sleep at 8:00 PM. forget the fact that I have to be up in the morning for work. Forget that I can barely move because I'm so exhausted. I'm awake. Why am I awake? It's unintentionally intentional insomnia. What? That makes no sense you say. Let me help clarify it a touch for you 

I really want to go to sleep, I do. The physical part of me does anyway. The anxiety ridden wife of a porn addict and sole bread winner part of me won't shut up. That tiny irrational part of my brain that whispers "Don't go to sleep, your problems will still be there in the morning. Eat, drink and be merry tonight and you won't have to face them." Well maybe not eat, drink and be merry, instead I watch bad reality tv while filling out medical paperwork for an appointment all the while playing some dumb game on my iPad. I unintentionally let that part of me override the smarter more rational part of me that knows that sleep deprivation will only compound my problems by making me less equipped to deal with them. There you have it. Do you understand? 

Put simply, I am unintentionally letting the part of me that intentionally wants to stay awake control my actions. I'm sure there could be a thesis paper in there somewhere, but I'm a bit afraid to dive into those muddy waters. 

Now that I've written all that down, I might be able to shut that bit if me off and go to sleep. Here's to not being awake at 2:30 AM.

T.

Milestone Moments

This may boarder on revealing to much about who we are, but it won't leave my mind because there was so much emotion involved, so I will share.  

We spent the weekend with my husband's entire immediate family. As children and children-in-law we threw my in-laws a Golden Wedding Anniversary party. It was stressful, but it turned out so amazing and they (who DO NOT like to be the center of attention) were so happy and had so much fun, it made it all worth it. My in-laws deserve to be honored, I think anyone who gets to 50 years of marriage deserves to be honored, it's an achievement…at least in my book it is.

The main emotions leading up to this event were stress, resentment, stress, excitement, stress, anger, stress and finally a feeling of accomplishment. I tend to stress about pulling off things like this because I inevitably over plan and under schedule. What I mean is that I over plan things that I think I can get done and under schedule time to get said tasks accomplished. This party was no exception. Resentment at anyone (especially my husband) who I felt wasn't pulling their load in getting ready for the party. Excitement at the prospect of being able to see the family and honor my in-laws. Anger, or more accurately frustration, at my husband's lack of participation in getting ready for the party, especially on the day of the party (these are HIS parents after all). Once it was all prepped and ready to go I had a feeling of accomplishment knowing that we had done everything we could and that it looked like it was going to be great.

The party was a huge hit and everyone had a lot of fun. My in-laws were touched by all the people that came and all the preparation we had done. It was just enough. My in-laws don't like being the center of attention, especially my mother-in-law, so they didn't want anything super fancy and we were able to find a theme and plan a party that was just enough to honor them without embarrassing them. 

The two overriding emotions by far for me this weekend were frustration/anger followed distantly by hope. I was so angry and frustrated with my husband because I felt he thought this was a vacation for him (we were away from home) and that whatever he needed and wanted to do should come first. The morning started off good but quickly went downhill.  He wasn't there to help when he should've been and I was upset. I know part of that is what I have seen in him for a long time, the pornography addiction has made him into a very self-centered and selfish person, and part of it is his built-in lack of awareness to what goes on around him sometimes (he has always had trouble being aware of what is going on and being able to just jump in where there is a need…but that's a whole other topic). It was no secret, to anyone, that I was pissed-off at him (I hate that phrase but it is the only one that adequately describes my mood at the time). I have calmed down today and have been trying to focus on the good things he did to help. 

The smallish part of me that felt hopeful is trying to fight it's way out. "B" did things to help get ready for the party at the end of last week that I have NEVER seen him do before. And he did it without complaint. I am so appreciative of that. He also did most of the driving, he always does most of the driving, which I more than appreciate because I HATE to drive, especially long distances. He never complains when I have to make frequent potty stops, which is always nice since I have a pea sized bladder and to be complained at on top of that, would only make it worse. I saw my in-laws this weekend, and despite the flaws that I see in their relationship (which I notice in any relationship close to me, even when I try not to), they have been married for 50 years, yes FIFTY YEARS people, FIFTY! That is a heck of an accomplishment. In another 30+ years I want my kids to be able to throw us a Golden Anniversary party. I want to make it to fifty years. I want to make it to eternity!

At the risk of losing some of our anonymity by sharing this story, it needed to be told. I needed to tell it. So thank you for tuning in.

With a margin of hope,

T.

Coping with Life's Challenges

In the past I have used pornography as a means to deal with the challenges I face in my life. The high I experience takes away the stress and pain I feel for a short time. Of course when the high is over, I am left with the guilt and shame, along with the original stress I was dealing with. I have often wondered what my life would be like if I had spent all the time I have wasted, viewing pornography, doing something even halfway productive. Would I have many of the challenges I now face?

Yesterday I spent several hours on LinkedIn updating my profile. I have heard that networking is a powerful way to break into the hidden job market. Apparently the majority of jobs are never posted, but are filled by people found through networking. It is important for someone with my challenges to stay busy and productive. I feel like yesterday I dealt with my anxiety very well.

Feel free to leave comments. I would like to hear from others dealing with the same issues that my wife and I are facing.

B