Hesitantly Hopeful

Complacent is an adjective that means; pleased, especially with oneself or one's merits, advantages, without awareness of some potential danger or defect; self-satisfied.

It's interesting that we both decided to blog about relatively the same thing today. This week has been very emotionally taxing for me. In addition to all that is happening in our marriage, it has been a really rough week at work. I've also had some emotionally charged conversations with a couple of different friends and my mom has decided that every time we talk we need to rehash her concerns and feelings on my husband's unemployment. I'm spent, so it's no wonder to me at all that I start to get wary when I start to see "B" becoming complacent.

It happens every time. He starts to rely on himself to change instead of turning the battle over to Heavenly Father. He has a few good weeks, even some good months, and starts to trust in his own ability to stay in recovery without using the tools that helped him get "sober" in the first place. It scares me when I see this happen because I know each day that goes by without him using his tools put him that much further away from where he needs to be. When this happens I start to close myself off again from him, which then pushes him even further away. It's a vicious cycle, and one I am happy that he chose to break today by blogging.

I had a small victory of my own today. I had a rough day at work and I needed to talk to someone. Normally I would call my sister because she just gets me. She will listen through my blubbering to hear what's behind my words. Today, when I needed to talk she wasn't the first person I called. I wanted to talk to my husband and get comfort from him. I don't know when the last time that happened was. I haven't trusted him with my feelings or my heart for a long time. I am so afraid to hope for change, and yet my heart felt otherwise. It was hopeful that if I called he would listen to me cry and just be supportive. He did. He was. I don't know if that has ever happened before, it most assuredly hasn't in a long time if it has. I turned to my husband for comfort and he provided it. That may seem like a no brainer to a lot of people, but it really hasn't been that way between us for a long time. It felt good.

This isn't even talking about the favor he did for me later in the day. I have told him time and again that it is the little things that make the difference. If I can trust him to keep his word and take care of the little things. I will start to be able to trust him to take care of the big things.

I don't want to hope, it's too scary. I have been hurt so many times before when I let a little hope in. I am hopeful though, despite my best efforts not to be.

Thank you hone for being there for me today. Thank you for being a man of action today and for shrugging off your complacency.

Hesitantly Hopeful,

T.

Unintentially Intentional Insomnia

It's 2:00 AM and I'm still awake. Forget the fact that physically I could have probably gone to sleep at 8:00 PM. forget the fact that I have to be up in the morning for work. Forget that I can barely move because I'm so exhausted. I'm awake. Why am I awake? It's unintentionally intentional insomnia. What? That makes no sense you say. Let me help clarify it a touch for you 

I really want to go to sleep, I do. The physical part of me does anyway. The anxiety ridden wife of a porn addict and sole bread winner part of me won't shut up. That tiny irrational part of my brain that whispers "Don't go to sleep, your problems will still be there in the morning. Eat, drink and be merry tonight and you won't have to face them." Well maybe not eat, drink and be merry, instead I watch bad reality tv while filling out medical paperwork for an appointment all the while playing some dumb game on my iPad. I unintentionally let that part of me override the smarter more rational part of me that knows that sleep deprivation will only compound my problems by making me less equipped to deal with them. There you have it. Do you understand? 

Put simply, I am unintentionally letting the part of me that intentionally wants to stay awake control my actions. I'm sure there could be a thesis paper in there somewhere, but I'm a bit afraid to dive into those muddy waters. 

Now that I've written all that down, I might be able to shut that bit if me off and go to sleep. Here's to not being awake at 2:30 AM.

T.

Exhausted Beyond Reason

After our whirlwind weekend and working for twelve hours today I have nothing left to give. Not. One. Thing. Anxiety got the best of me today. I finally had to medicate when I got home from work. I am exhausted beyond reason and I only want to be taken care of tonight. I don't want to have to ask to be taken care of, for once I want him to notice me and read my body language. Yes I realize I sound like a petulant toddler. I know it's a lot to ask, but I'm just putting it out there. When you've had a rough day and you are exhausted, does your spouse notice without having to be told? 

T.