Worthy of Love

   I have struggled to write this post, because it seems so insignificant in the scheme of things, but it is significant to me. Being single is so freeing in some ways, I get to do what I want without consideration of what someone else wants. At the same time it's isolating because you don't have that person to lean on that should be there for you. For me personally, the hardest part is having to ask for help from outside, I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I have made great strides in accepting that others WANT to help me, the same as I want to help them. I try to remind myself frequently, that I am loved by many and that that love is not conditional. One of the lasting effects of Betrayal Trauma is the way I feel about myself, and the feeling of never being enough or worthy of love. I still fight this battle every single day. I have been able to overcome a lot of the negative self talk and false beliefs, but that nagging one of not being worthy of love still lingers. I know in my heart I am worthy of being loved, it's just my mind that keeps feeding me that negative message. I've been conditioned for so many years from messages I received as a young woman, to the prevalence of the message in media, and the effect that B's addiction had on me. As women we are bombarded by the message that if we don't look and act "sexy" then we aren't worthy of love. It's tough propaganda to not buy into. All that to say, I needed my support system this last weekend, they showed up for me, and it was humbling.

Last Friday, I went to the Emergency Room after almost 24 hours of having the symptoms of a stomach bug. I just thought I was going in to be hydrated and get some nausea medicine. That turned out not to be the case, I had a partial small bowel obstruction (related to scar tissue from previous surgeries), and I was admitted to the hospital. It's scary being admitted to the hospital knowing you don't have a partner to be there to support you. It is what it is though, so I buckled down and knew I could get through this (after an hour of crying by myself on the ER stretcher). I let -my best friend know what was going on and without even a thought she said, "I'm coming". Y'all she lives four hours away and has her own family to take care of. It wasn't even a question to her, she finished up work, packed up and drove the four hours to sleep on the hospital couch with me. The love of that gesture was overwhelming. I was scared. I was on pain medicine. I have diabetes. We had no idea if I was going to need surgery (I didn't). It was a lot, but I chose to be by myself, so I was just going to do what I had to do. Having someone there so I didn't have to face it alone, it was such a relief. Then within a short time of being admitted I received flowers and a blanket from my amazing work friends. I can't tell you how many texts and messages of support and concern I received, as well as dinners provided when I got home, one friend even made sure I had a picture of the afghan I entered in our county fair, since I couldn't see it in person. The outpouring of love shown to me was astounding. I have several women whom I consider best friends, it's amazing the kind, loving, and supportive friends I have. I am beyond blessed. I was not alone physically, emotionally, or spiritually. 

I ended up staying in the hospital until Sunday, so two days, and got to go home on my birthday. It was a short stay considering what it could have been. Here's what was the worst part of it, I had to cancel a trip to see my parents and take care of my sister after surgery she was having. I was supposed to leave on Saturday, and celebrate my birthday with my twin sister. Then on Monday she had surgery, I was supposed to be there to take care of her. It sucked. I actually don't like that word at all. but it's what sums it up. She's had a rougher week than she expected, and I wasn't there. I wanted to be there. I wanted to show her the love of being well cared for. She has support and people there to take care of her, but I wanted to be the one that was there. I miss my sister. I miss my parents. I want to see them. This pandemic has made that very hard. I haven't seen them much in the last 15 months. Not being able to go see my family and take care of my sister has been the hardest part of this. Now anyway. 

I am finally feeling pretty much back to normal. I used my week of vacation to recover, which is not how I wanted to spend my time off. Life doesn't always give us what we want, but sometimes it gives us what we need. For me this whole experience has reminded me how much I am loved. It's reinforced the amazing support system I have. It has reminded me that I am no longer living in the isolation of Betrayal Trauma, and the things I kept hidden about my life for so many years. It reminded me that I am worthy of being loved. I am truly blessed that I have so many people in my corner. Heavenly Father is looking out for me. 

I AM LOVED.

Sincerely,

T.

It's Not Your Fault

There have been a few times in my life when the words that come out of me aren't from me. I was blessed enough to have one of those opportunities the other day. An amazing woman bravely reached out to me last week. She is hurting and broken just like many of us are and/or have been. Her husband is an addict, and she is suffering the effects of Betrayal Trauma and is just now learning what that is. She, like I have in the past, and so many others as well, blames herself for her husband's addiction and acting out. I understand that so well. For so many years I thought I could change my husband by being more or less of so many different things. I was wrong. Let me share with you the words that I was inspired to share with her. (The words are mine but the sentiment did not come from me, it is what Heavenly Father wanted me to share and believe)

Dear betrayed wife,

The one thing I want to you hear, because right now you probably won't believe it, I didn't believe it for years and still struggle to sometimes. Absolutely none of his addiction is your fault. His behaviors are not your fault and nothing you could do or say would change them. You could look like a Playboy bunny, have the sex drive of a teenage boy, keep the house like June Cleaver and earn the money of Donald Trump and he would STILL turn to porn and treat you this way. Why? Because porn addiction is not about sex, it's about mismanagement of emotions. He doesn't know how to manage his emotions. You are enough and wonderful just as you are. Your inherent value lies in the fact that you are a daughter of our Heavenly Father. You are loved and cared about more than you can possibly know. 

I completely and totally understand the self loathing that comes with this addiction. I blamed myself for so many years. I weigh much more now than I did when we got married. Why would he want me? Why wouldn't he turn to porn? But the truth of the matter is, I am learning to love myself for exactly who I am. My beauty doesn't come from how I look, it comes from who I am. I can promise you that it is NOT your fault he has this addiction and has chosen it. The addiction came long before you. If you had married an alcoholic that was supposedly in recovery when you were married, and then he started drinking again after you got married, would you think that it was your fault? Absolutely not! What our husband's have is an addiction, and it's one that has robbed them of their value to themselves. I ache for the shame and pain this has caused my husband, heaven only knows I've tried to fix him for most of our marriage. I "if only'd" myself all the time..."If only I was skinnier." "If only I was sexier." "If only I could keep the house cleaner." None of that fixed him. I tried to be the porn star I thought he wanted. It didn't change him or his behaviors. All it did was help to make me feel like a dirty and worthless person.
Heavenly Father doesn't want any of this for us. He wants us to love ourselves. He wants us to value ourselves as the daughters of Him that we are. I am so scared of what the future holds, but I know that worrying about it will only rob me of the time I have now. I am working every day to turn my will over to Him. It is scary to think that my "happily ever after" may not look the way in envisioned it. In all honesty, it's never looked the way I envisioned it and I have accepted that. What I won't accept any more is being treated like I don't matter. My husband is a good man and I love him, but I need to feel emotionally safe with him and right now that isn't happening.
Achingly,
T.

Scary Things

Today was a day of doing scary things…well scary to me in that it required vulnerability greater than I felt I was up to. Heavenly Father knew I could do it…but I had to be kicked pretty hard to get me there.

I'll start off by saying, I'm not generally shy about sharing my testimony (my faith, belief and knowledge of the truths I believe in for those of you out there that have either never heard of or understood that term before). Today was Fast Sunday (a day every month where we fast in order to bring ourselves closer to Heavenly Father and then we are able to share our testimony during our services), but I wasn't going to share my testimony as I have shared it a lot lately and our ward is huge so I felt someone else needed the time. However, during the Sacrament I KNEW I had to get up, and not only did I have to get up but He had specific things I needed to bear witness of. I was the first one up and my testimony was super short, but it was exactly what He knew I needed to say.

I wrote in my journal as soon as I sat down, and I would like to share that with you here.

"Tender mercies of the Lord surround me. I don't know how I would've made it through with out those tender mercies. He KNOWS me, He LOVES me, He GUIDES me and He is AVAILABLE to me. He has placed people in my life that I never would've otherwise met. These amazing women have taught me through example how to have faith and hope. These women have supported me and have given me the opportunity to support them. They have cried with me and have let me grieve with them. They have let me help hold their heartache and they have helped hold mine.

I have been given the opportunity to share my story so that someone else will know that they are not alone. They don't have to suffer in silence because there are others that understand and won't judge.

I won't say that I am grateful for my trial but I do acknowledge that I probably would not have found the strength I have in my faith without these trials. I am very grateful for the strength I have received. My faith and testimony are stronger than I can remember them being in a long, long time. I know that my Father in Heaven loves me. I know he cherishes me. He strengthens me. He answers my prayers. He blesses me beyond measure. I am loved."

My heart is just overflowing with the knowledge that I am loved by my Lord and that He watches out for me. I am blessed beyond measure with the outpouring of the love He has for me. A friend described His love as being tangible during an impossible situation today. That is exactly how I felt today, His hand was tangible in my life today.

The second scary thing He prompted me to do today was to be vulnerable to one of my favorite people in my ward. She is someone I truly admire. I shared a post from my blog with here back in the first part of December and had never heard from her. I felt the overwhelming nudge to ask her if she had seen it. She has and she hadn't responded because she didn't know how to say what she wanted to. I still don't know why I was prompted to share it with her in the first place, but we are going to dinner this week to talk. I am nervous, excited and scared all at once. It is so scary to just simply own my story for what it is and not carry that shame anymore…but I feel a tiny bit lighter each time I do.

My eyes won't stay open any longer tonight, but I have more great things to share about, so hopefully I will remember to tell you about them later.

Being brave,

T.

Love Grows

I find inside the words to say

The things I feel, the thoughts I pray

Why is it easier to think than say

Let me share my thoughts today 

The one idea that keeps coming back

The one that just might get us on track

It's as precious as anything sent from above

And that one thing is simply love

Love is the one gift given each day

That multiples as we give it away

If we focus on love and freely give

A bountiful life each day we'll live

T.

I wrote this simple verse last night, not because I think love will fix everything that is broken in our lives, but rather that nothing broken can be fixed without it.