Trusting Myself

I am currently reading a book that has held me riveted, it's called Educated and it is written by Tara Westover. I am appalled and at the same time enthralled with this woman's story. How a human could have been raised the way she was and survive, let alone create a new life for herself is astounding to me. If you haven't read it, I recommend it.

This post isn't a book review though, it's about something she wrote in her book. There are times I find myself rewriting history, well not really rewriting it, but forgetting pieces of it. I am healing, growing, and learning that I am more than what my trauma has told me. Reading Ms. Westover's words reminded me that there were years where I lived in a different state of mind though. "...that I was likely insane. If I was insane, everything could be made to make sense. If I was sane nothing could. This logic seemed damning. It was also a relief. I was not evil; I was clinical." I felt crazy for years in my marriage, I lived with that feeling of craziness at times, even though I knew in my heart I wasn't.

I don't diminish the fact that I was gaslighted, and I am not taking on responsibility for my ex-husband's actions by saying that I "chose" crazy. I didn't choose to feel crazy consciously. I felt crazy because what I felt in my gut and what I was being told by my ex and by my own investigation differed. I knew things to be one way in my heart, but my logical mind couldn't find proof. That led me to feel crazy.

Why the statement above resonated so much with me was because in a way I did choose to feel crazy, because I chose not to trust myself. I had promptings that B was deep in his addiction and was lying to me. I would investigate to try and "catch" him, but he was really good at covering his tracks. Then I would confront him and he would very convincingly lie to me. Therefore, I MUST be crazy because why else would I get "promptings" or "gut feelings" if they weren't true? Only they were true, and I trusted what my logic mind was telling me over what my spiritual center perceived. I trusted my what I saw more than I trusted my faith in God.

I am not comparing or correlating my own experience to that of the author's, only saying that her words struck a chord with me tonight. I know what it feels like to question your own sanity when in the mode of self-preservation. When the truth you are being required to face, is harder than living with the feeling of insanity.

My life is what I choose it to be, at least to some degree. I am handed situations that are out of my control, that is how life happens. I am not in control of what happens to me, I am in control of how I react to what happens to me. I don't always react the way I wish I did. I frequently don't react the way I wish I did, for that matter. I am however, in control of how I act and react. I have help dealing with my actions and reactions though. I take medication for depression and anxiety, I attend therapy, and I try and maintain a close relationship with God. My life is my own to chose, however, I was not meant to chose to walk alone. I cannot choose to live my life in isolation and be my happiest self. Sometimes people and situations enter my life and I am taxed and challenged in ways I am ill-equipped to handle. That is when I need to choose to trust myself and rely on the tools and people around me, including my faith in God. I didn't choose to do this for a long time, and once I did, it took me a long time to learn to trust myself again. That was truly one of the hardest things I have had to recover from, the absolute inability to trust myself.  It was one of the things that most devastated our marriage, the fact that I was conditioned not to trust myself.

If you don't trust yourself, start trying. You are not alone in this battle. There are many others here to help. Trust yourself enough to reach out.

Learning to trust,

T.

A Letter To My New Bishop

We recently got a new Bishop (he is our lay clergy, you can learn more about that here). He called B in to his office to talk to him, and they discussed B's addiction. B came home feeling loved and cared for, and he told me that the Bishop wanted to learn about Betrayal Trauma, as he hadn't heard of it before. I have felt prompted to share that email here. I hope it helps someone else.

Note: I have edited it to include the hyperlinks, and I have removed some of the personal details for anonymity sake.

Bishop,

Thank you for your willingness to learn about the impact of sex addiction on a spouse. I have attached a packet put together specifically to share about this for Bishops. It has some good information, but it is a lot, take your time and read it. I will also include other resources that can help you. 

Part of understanding about Betrayal Trauma, is learning about sex addiction itself (pornography addiction is a form of sex addiction, pornography just happens to be B's drug of choice). There are some great resources for this. Each website that I am including has a lot of information, the particular page I am linking is a good starting point, but don't stop there.

Fight The New Drug 

Row Boat And Marbles

Then of course there is the Church website about addiction recovery (this has information for both addicts and family members)

LDS Addiction Recovery

For many years I thought I was alone. I lived in shame. Why would my husband need pornography if I was enough? I have learned through my recovery that I AM enough, and that his addiction is not caused by me. His addiction began long before he ever met me. 

I have a form of PTSD called Betrayal Trauma. Basically what it means is that I get a trigger, that causes me to react physically (I have to be on medication for panic attacks), and it affects the way I process and interact with life. It sounds hokey to some, but for me, and many others like me, it is as real as a soldier's PTSD. I am learning through therapy and recovery work how to handle these triggers and what I need to do to keep myself safe and healthy. This has been a long road for me. B has been betraying me through lust, pornography, and masturbation for our entire marriage. His addiction has affected every aspect of our lives. We have had happy times, it's just hard to remember those through all of the unhappy times. 

Here are some resources for Betrayal Trauma, again, these are just jumping off points:

LDS Addiction Recovery Videos  (I am blessed to call some of the ladies, in these Advice To My Younger Self videos, friends)

Rowboat and Marbles: Wife's eyes

The woman that writes the following blog is also a friend, and her blog was instrumental in helping me start on (and continue) my recovery journey.

A Wife Redeemed

This is an organization that has also been instrumental in helping me find the connections I need to heal:

The Togetherness Project

This is the scary one, I write a blog myself. B actually wanted to start it together, but he hasn't written on it in a really long time. Feel free to read it if you'd like. (I shared the link to the blog with him, but I figure you don't need it)

I will share a little bit about our story with you. We have been married 21 years (22 years in March). We were friends for 6 months, dated for 2 months, and engaged for 7 months. We were sealed in the  Salt Lake Temple. The first time I found out about B looking at pornography was about 5 years into our marriage, and I was upset and told him that if it happened again I would divorce him. That led to years of lying and deceit, along with many discoveries. By this point I thought, "If only I was skinnier, prettier, kept a better house, made more money, wanted to have sex more, looked like a super model, whatever it was...he wouldn't need porn." The truth is I could've done and been all those things, and he still would have turned to porn. His use of porn and masturbation was not about me, it was about his mismanagement of his own emotions. He does not know how to sit in his own pain or deal with hard emotions, and so he numbs them in the easiest way he knows how. Some choose alcohol, drugs, staying busy, overeating, tv, video games, whatever it is, B chooses pornography and masturbation. The thing that is different about sex addiction, is that it undermines the very foundation of marriage. It erodes the trust that should be the foundation of a marriage. Not only is the wife being betrayed but there is a significant amount of deceit that goes along with it. The shame that accompanies the addiction is debilitating, that, and the deceit make it very difficult to find recovery. It's an addiction that is so rooted in shame that people will go to astonishing lengths to keep it hidden.

I know that recovery is possible, but it takes being cracked open and letting the will of God pour into you. Letting His will be stronger than the demons that are in control. This goes equally for the spouse. We have to learn that unless we surrender our own will to His, then we will continue to live in this cycle of never-ending trauma. We will continue to feel inadequate, try to control our spouses actions, have feelings of worthlessness, and live in chaos. I have chosen not to live that way any longer. I have no control over my husband's actions, nothing I do, say, don't do, or don't say, can change his will. He has his agency, I can't change that (as much as I admittedly would like to sometimes). The only thing I can do is chose to live close to Heavenly Father and follow his guidance for me. He has been with me throughout this journey, and I am learning more every day about listening to Him.

I have worked really hard to try and stay in this marriage and work hard at saving it, I have listened when Heavenly Father distinctly told me to "Hold on a little longer", when I was really seeking His permission to be done. I have stayed. I have continued to work on my own recovery and as hard as possible on my relational recovery as possible. I have had to keep my heart protected as I have traveled this road, because every time I start to hope the things are getting better because B is making an effort at recovery, I would act on that hope. I would relax my boundaries and let him back in as completely as I could, only to have him take me for granted again and relax his recovery effort and act out again. His cycle of acting out has escalated from years in our early marriage to around a month now. That means he will work really hard for a week or so at recovery, he will let things slip for a week, he will end up in a mode of "everything is terrible, and I am a victim of life" and he will act out for a couple of weeks. Then the cycle will start all over again. Sometimes the cycle can be 2 months, but that just means everything is twice as long. 

I am finally at a point where I have realized I am stuck in my own healing. I don't know what the future holds for us, I am not going to try and predict that. I can only stay true to the guidance of Heavenly Father and go on from there.

Thank you for your open heart and mind, and your willingness to learn about this plague that is tearing so many families apart.  Your loving reaction and openness to learning is already a balm, you have obviously learned to listen to the Spirit rather than reacting as a man. I appreciate that more than I can say. 

Humbly and lovingly,

T.

p.s. The packet of information I attached with my email to my bishop can be found here: Owning Our Stories, and the link is in the right hand column

Fear and Surrender

Two weeks ago was tumultuous to say the least. I have had to make some big decision and I have lived in fear of making them. I let my fears control me for days. I was so afraid that I was angry and scared and it showed. My heart raced, I was shaky, I had a short temper and I even said the "F" word in our couples therapy session. That was not a good moment, and I apologized both to B. and to our therapist. That is not the person I want to be, and no matter what B. has done or said he doesn't deserve to be verbally assaulted.

I finally broke down, humbled myself, and asked my Bishop (ecclesiastical leader) for a priesthood blessing. The blessing he pronounced upon my head brought me so much peace. I am not sure that I adequately expressed my gratitude to him. I was no longer afraid to face the hard choices. I was no longer living in fear and self-doubt. I knew at that moment that Heavenly Father was aware of me and my needs and that He would not abandon me to make the choice alone.

Thursday I met with my therapist and then I attended the LDS Temple seeking clarity and guidance. I received it quickly and clearly. I have peace about the choice I made. It will be a difficult one on all of us but I feel it is the right one for all of us as well. I came out with a sense of peace that was palpable.  I had at last humbled myself enough to surrender my fear to Heavenly Father. Once I was finally able to hand it over, the answer came swiftly and easily to my mind. I knew clearly what the right choice was, and it was not the answer I expected.

I'm not intentionally trying to be vague about my big life decision, but it is so scary to write out. *deep breath* B. and I are separating. It's going to be a bit of a strange separation and not 100% complete but it is enough for now. I know that this will bring me the measure of space and separation I need right now to work on my own recovery and healing. I pray often that B. will use the time and space to get himself right with God and surrender his will to Him. I pray that B. will find recovery. I have however, surrendered that to Heavenly Father. I cannot make him find recovery. I cannot work his recovery for him. I cannot force, guilt, shame or manipulate him into recovery. Trust me I have tried all those things and more. The only thing I can do is put my trust in Heavenly Father and know that no matter what happens, I will be happy because I am following the Lord's will for me.

If I could ask one little favor it is this, keep us in your prayers. We could use all the heavenly intervention we can get.

Peacefully,

T.

Scary Things

Today was a day of doing scary things…well scary to me in that it required vulnerability greater than I felt I was up to. Heavenly Father knew I could do it…but I had to be kicked pretty hard to get me there.

I'll start off by saying, I'm not generally shy about sharing my testimony (my faith, belief and knowledge of the truths I believe in for those of you out there that have either never heard of or understood that term before). Today was Fast Sunday (a day every month where we fast in order to bring ourselves closer to Heavenly Father and then we are able to share our testimony during our services), but I wasn't going to share my testimony as I have shared it a lot lately and our ward is huge so I felt someone else needed the time. However, during the Sacrament I KNEW I had to get up, and not only did I have to get up but He had specific things I needed to bear witness of. I was the first one up and my testimony was super short, but it was exactly what He knew I needed to say.

I wrote in my journal as soon as I sat down, and I would like to share that with you here.

"Tender mercies of the Lord surround me. I don't know how I would've made it through with out those tender mercies. He KNOWS me, He LOVES me, He GUIDES me and He is AVAILABLE to me. He has placed people in my life that I never would've otherwise met. These amazing women have taught me through example how to have faith and hope. These women have supported me and have given me the opportunity to support them. They have cried with me and have let me grieve with them. They have let me help hold their heartache and they have helped hold mine.

I have been given the opportunity to share my story so that someone else will know that they are not alone. They don't have to suffer in silence because there are others that understand and won't judge.

I won't say that I am grateful for my trial but I do acknowledge that I probably would not have found the strength I have in my faith without these trials. I am very grateful for the strength I have received. My faith and testimony are stronger than I can remember them being in a long, long time. I know that my Father in Heaven loves me. I know he cherishes me. He strengthens me. He answers my prayers. He blesses me beyond measure. I am loved."

My heart is just overflowing with the knowledge that I am loved by my Lord and that He watches out for me. I am blessed beyond measure with the outpouring of the love He has for me. A friend described His love as being tangible during an impossible situation today. That is exactly how I felt today, His hand was tangible in my life today.

The second scary thing He prompted me to do today was to be vulnerable to one of my favorite people in my ward. She is someone I truly admire. I shared a post from my blog with here back in the first part of December and had never heard from her. I felt the overwhelming nudge to ask her if she had seen it. She has and she hadn't responded because she didn't know how to say what she wanted to. I still don't know why I was prompted to share it with her in the first place, but we are going to dinner this week to talk. I am nervous, excited and scared all at once. It is so scary to just simply own my story for what it is and not carry that shame anymore…but I feel a tiny bit lighter each time I do.

My eyes won't stay open any longer tonight, but I have more great things to share about, so hopefully I will remember to tell you about them later.

Being brave,

T.