Reaching Out

For a really long time now, I've wanted to share our story with others. I want others to know that they are not alone. This is something that a lot of families have to deal with, I would venture to guess that every family at one point or another has to face, be it in their immediate family or in their in-laws, best friends, anything or anyone. Nobody is immune. I have been so blessed that other's have reached out to me recently. 

As you can tell from my post a couple of days ago, disclosure is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. When is the right time? Who are the right people? How much do we share? Do we talk about it, or just let them read the blog? It's sometimes not clear to me, but every time it seems muddy, I feel prompted to either share or not share. It is amazing to me how much support and guidance that our Heavenly Father gives us, especially because I've been trying this my own way for so long.

I was very touched this morning when B had me read a post on FB in a support group he is in (completely unrelated to pornography recovery)/  It was from a young woman struggling with her husband's lack of openness. He wanted me to read it and asked me what I thought. I said, "I think her husband has a problem with pornography," and B agreed. I was surprised at the recognition on his part, and even more surprised that he felt he should reach out to her. A few weeks ago I probably would've panicked that he was reaching out to another woman on FB, but not today, today I was at peace. I felt like he needed to share and she needed to hear what he had to say. He let me read what he was sending before he sent it and has let me read what was said back and forth between them. It was a level of transparency that we haven't had in a really long time. He has been so secretive about so much for so long, that I am just used to getting a blah response when I ask him questions, to have him openly share this experience with me meant a lot. 

I also reached out to this beautiful Daughter of God to let her know that she is not alone. I want her, and all the other wives out there, to know that this fight is our battle against the war Satan is waging against our families. We are all warriors on the front line protecting our families from the enemy, and the enemy has some sneaky tactics. He is invading our homes no matter what defenses we have put in place. I want every single one of you to know WE ARE NOT FIGHTING ALONE. Not one of us is alone. Even if we don't feel like we can reach out to anyone around us, The Lord is there to listen, guide and comfort us.

Thank you to all that have reached out to me, including today, my Bishop. It means more than you could imagine to know that I have so much support, that we have so much support as a couple to fight this battle and win this war. I hope I will always be on the sidelines, offering whatever aide I can, but that someday I will be able to say I did my frontline fighting and now I am here to help with yours. Today is a good day, today is a new day, today is not a broken day, today is MY day to say we will get through this…I hope tomorrow is another day just like this one.

Rules

My wife is really struggling to regain trust in me. Last night she checked the internet history on my cell phone. It felt good to know that I had nothing to hide. However there were a few items in the history that she felt were questionable. I have lied to her so many times that she has become paranoid of even innocent things. It is hard for me to understand why she is struggling so hard when I am doing more to combat this addiction than ever. I thought my actions would help her to regain trust. I now realize that my actions have affected her more than I ever realized. It is going to take a long time for her to regain trust in me.

I have been praying and pondering to determine what I can do to help her trust more, and to help me combat this addiction. I have decided that I need to establish some rules for me, for us as a couple, and for our family. These rules are going to be particularly hard for me. I have said before that I am a selfish person. I get very self absorbed in my own things, that I neglect my duties as a father and husband.

Rule #1:
No screens after 5 PM. This is as much for me as it is for my children. In a way I have traded my addiction to porn for an addiction to browsing the internet, Ebay, Netflix, etc. all on my cell phone. My wife and I have always disagreed about what to watch on TV. I like action, and she likes "feel good" programs. In the past we have either got into an argument about what to watch, or sometimes compromised. Now that we both have iPhones, we can be together, but still watch our own programs. Seems like a great solution except that this is one more step removed from interacting with each other. Watching TV is already an escape from reality; a way to get absorbed in something that helps us to ignore our problems. By turning off the TV, cell phones, and other devices we will have to interact more. We need to spend this time working on our relationship and our relationship with our children.

Rule #2:
At least one date a week. The date must require interaction, this means movies don't count. Again, we have different interests which lead to arguments. We usually compromise by doing something that neither of us really want to do. Recently we have been trying to take turns planning the date. The rules are, the planner can choose anything he or she want to do, and the spouse can't complain. We have had some very nice dates since doing this.

Rule #3
Any media that comes into our house be it electronic or print must not contain anything that will detract from the Spirit.

Rule #4
We must hold Family Home Evening once a week. This will usually be on Mondays, but can be moved to a different day if necessary. It must contain a spiritual message. This message can be "short and sweet." It should also include a physical activity. This can be a walk, or even playing catch at the park. Refreshments or treats are okay, but not required.

Rule #5
Nightly scripture study. This can be as little as a few verses, but we must do it every night before our nightly prayers.

This is just a start. I am sure T will have some to add. Like I said before, these rules are going to be very hard for me. I have tried to make them as easy as possible. Sacrificing my own interests for the interests of the family as a whole will help me to become the father and husband that I should be. I am grateful for the prompting of the Spirit which have helped me to come up with these rules. I am grateful for the Spirit I have felt at church and at my 12 step meetings. It has been a long time since I have felt the Spirit this strongly. I look forward to an increase love and happiness in my home.

B.