Honesty

In our 12 Step meeting yesterday we were discussing Step 1: Honesty. This is the step I am currently working on. It is also the step that I see B struggle the most with…honesty. I feel like he not only isn't honest with me, he isn't honest with himself either. I really feel like he needs to study and evaluate this step every.single.day. I'll say it again…he needs to evaluate this every.single.day. He needs to ask himself, am I being honest with myself, do I really feel like I am powerless over this addiction? It may seem harsh to criticize his "working the steps" and how I feel he should do it, because I know, as does anyone involved with an addict, that their pride can make them push back against such harsh criticism. Let me explain a little further why I feel this way.

B has said that it frustrates him that I don't trust him. I get that, I really do. It frustrates me at times that I can't just "get over it" and trust that he is truly working at recovery. The truth is, he isn't working hard at recovery. Let me explain it using an analogy. Let's say B is a beautiful antique mahogany table. Now we know mahogany is expensive and prized for high end furniture, just like B is prized as a husband, father and child of God. Well his addiction is like years of abuse happening to this table, it's nicked, scarred, has it's varnish missing in a lot of spots, there are water rings that over the years have created permanent damage to the table top, the legs are wobbly and loose. Over the years he has tried to repair himself…braced a leg here, thrown a cloth over the worst spots, propped the table in the corer so it had support, but never really "fixed" the problems. Lately he has been putting more effort into repairing the table. He has fixed the wobbly legs with a patch job underneath. He has started to sand out some of the varnish to make the table ready for a stronger polyurethane coating to help it resist future damage and has found a beautiful tablecloth to accent the table. The table is staged with quality items and looks like on the outside it is ready for use. The problem is, he hasn't really addressed the issues of the table, but has made a stronger effort at bracing the problems and starting to wear them down. The legs are only marginally stronger and the top is still scarred and pitted. The top needs a good sanding and the legs need a more permanent fix…or in other words B needs to take things back to the beginning and adequately repair the foundation of the table and sand it down until nothing of the old scratches and dings remain. He really has started the project of repairing himself, and to the naked eye it looks good, but the hard work remains. He needs to take things down to the bare bones and start building from the bottom up. He needs to address the issues that cause him to turn to porn in the first place. He needs to be honest that while he is "white knuckling" it through right now, he hasn't addressed the actual powerlessness he truly has in this situation.

I think the rules he has made are a great start at controlling the behaviors, I don't really believe he honestly has admitted to himself just how completely this addiction controls his life. He has replaced the addiction for the time being with something better, but he hasn't really addressed the fact that he is completely powerless over this, it is much bigger than he is. For over fifteen years now I have watched him try to make the table stronger through temporary measures, but these always fail, because he isn't doing the work and working the steps. I have read and reread the information on Step 1 in the recovery manual. I have taken notes, marked scriptures and really tried to be honest and admit that I can't control my food addiction but I am not quite ready to make every change I need to make. Why is it ok for me and not for him you ask? It's not ok for me, and I don't trust myself to always turn my will over to the Lord and to be honest in my powerlessness. The problem comes in the fact that I don't trust B period. It  is going to take a lot to build that up. He is going to have to work the steps. He's going to have to take notes, read scriptures, work in his workbook, not have excuses and really and sincerely start meeting even my basic emotional needs before I will be able to start thinking about trusting him.

I often feel guilty about the anger, mistrust and animosity that I frequently feel about his recovery, but I'm trying to let that go. I have to let him make the choices on his own and live the consequences that may come with those choices. I am often worried that by having such feelings of apathy towards his recovery that I will in some way set him back. That is not my call, he will do what he will do regardless of how I think or feel. The problem is the complacency I see on his part when he has "resisted" for a short length of time. He's not working at recovery, he's working at making that table look beautiful without taking the time and effort to create a permanent fix.

I am working on setting my boundaries, the boundaries that I need to set in order to start to feel safe in my home and my relationship. Some of these boundaries will be tough for B to accept but I have to feel safe, and I don't. This was going to be a short post but apparently I needed to get more of the story out there.

T.

Rules

My wife is really struggling to regain trust in me. Last night she checked the internet history on my cell phone. It felt good to know that I had nothing to hide. However there were a few items in the history that she felt were questionable. I have lied to her so many times that she has become paranoid of even innocent things. It is hard for me to understand why she is struggling so hard when I am doing more to combat this addiction than ever. I thought my actions would help her to regain trust. I now realize that my actions have affected her more than I ever realized. It is going to take a long time for her to regain trust in me.

I have been praying and pondering to determine what I can do to help her trust more, and to help me combat this addiction. I have decided that I need to establish some rules for me, for us as a couple, and for our family. These rules are going to be particularly hard for me. I have said before that I am a selfish person. I get very self absorbed in my own things, that I neglect my duties as a father and husband.

Rule #1:
No screens after 5 PM. This is as much for me as it is for my children. In a way I have traded my addiction to porn for an addiction to browsing the internet, Ebay, Netflix, etc. all on my cell phone. My wife and I have always disagreed about what to watch on TV. I like action, and she likes "feel good" programs. In the past we have either got into an argument about what to watch, or sometimes compromised. Now that we both have iPhones, we can be together, but still watch our own programs. Seems like a great solution except that this is one more step removed from interacting with each other. Watching TV is already an escape from reality; a way to get absorbed in something that helps us to ignore our problems. By turning off the TV, cell phones, and other devices we will have to interact more. We need to spend this time working on our relationship and our relationship with our children.

Rule #2:
At least one date a week. The date must require interaction, this means movies don't count. Again, we have different interests which lead to arguments. We usually compromise by doing something that neither of us really want to do. Recently we have been trying to take turns planning the date. The rules are, the planner can choose anything he or she want to do, and the spouse can't complain. We have had some very nice dates since doing this.

Rule #3
Any media that comes into our house be it electronic or print must not contain anything that will detract from the Spirit.

Rule #4
We must hold Family Home Evening once a week. This will usually be on Mondays, but can be moved to a different day if necessary. It must contain a spiritual message. This message can be "short and sweet." It should also include a physical activity. This can be a walk, or even playing catch at the park. Refreshments or treats are okay, but not required.

Rule #5
Nightly scripture study. This can be as little as a few verses, but we must do it every night before our nightly prayers.

This is just a start. I am sure T will have some to add. Like I said before, these rules are going to be very hard for me. I have tried to make them as easy as possible. Sacrificing my own interests for the interests of the family as a whole will help me to become the father and husband that I should be. I am grateful for the prompting of the Spirit which have helped me to come up with these rules. I am grateful for the Spirit I have felt at church and at my 12 step meetings. It has been a long time since I have felt the Spirit this strongly. I look forward to an increase love and happiness in my home.

B.