Feeling Accepted

One of hardest struggles I have faced in my life is feeling accepted. I have always been somewhat socially awkward. Growing up I had very few friends. As I grew into my teens the few friends that I had began to tease me. I was also bullied by other kids at school. My sixth grade year was especially rough. I have carried this burden into adulthood. I still have very few friends. In fact I really don't have any friends other than the couple friends that have formed through my wife's friendships. I really don't have a lot in common with any of them. To make matters worse, I was fired from a job several years ago. To this day I still don't know exactly why I was fired. They told me they needed to lay someone off, but when I asked if I was being laid off, they told me I was being terminated. The reasons they gave were weak. I had been given a performance evaluation 3 months prior to this, and they told me I was doing a fantastic job. I had been given no indication since that time that there was anything wrong. This was a huge blow to my self confidence. I haven't felt completely safe in a work environment since that time.

I realized this weekend that throughout my life I have turned to my addiction to self medicate to try to alleviate the feelings of rejection. I look at porn and fantasize that some beautiful woman wants me, to help myself feel accepted. Of course that feeling only lasts as long as the fantasy. When it is over I feel even worse. I feel like I am some sex crazed creep. I think that if people knew the real me they would be disgusted. So again the wall goes up, making it very hard to make friends. It is a vicious cycle. I need to get out of this cycle. I don't really know how. My counselor tells me I need to find male friends to help support me for my recovery. That is very difficult when I have these walls.

Yesterday there were a couple times when I felt my wife was rejecting me. in both instances I realized that these feelings came from my own selfishness. I hate feeling hurt when I know I shouldn't.

I am discouraged. My wife an I had an argument last night. It seems we both are having a difficult time trying to figure out our individual recoveries. She has always been an enabler. She is trying to focus on her recovery, and tells me she has nothing to give me. I know that I can't blame her for any of my addiction, but I really would like her help. I love her, and want to make things work. We both seem to deal with our challenges by hurting each other. I'm hoping that as we continue to work, that things will get better. We are scheduled to start LifeStar at the end of October. I am looking forward to this. I really hope that it will help us learn who we are as individuals and as a couple.

B.