Fear Has Held Me Prisoner

I had an a-ha, lightbulb moment last night, and it's one I have had several times before, but apparently a lesson I need to keep learning. Let me start at the beginning, or at least the beginning of my growth this time.

The last month I have started to get depressed. I have felt depressed before but have always been able to push through it fairly quickly. This time it was different. I haven't just "felt" depressed, I have been depressed. To me there is a subtle difference in that "feeling" depressed is just that, a feeling, and being depressed is something that feels like it is a permanent part of me. I have never felt that before now. The last two weeks it has been so bad that I haven't wanted to get out of bed and yet I have struggled to go to sleep at night, I haven't cared if my kids go to school, I haven't cooked dinner in three weeks, at least, I haven't nourished my body but have gorged on junk, there have been days that I have cried on and off all day. I have been so hopeless that I had given up, just done what had to be done and escaped through social media, books, shopping and sleep. It felt like I was in a pit of mud and that I just wanted to give up and stay there. I didn't care anymore if I got out of the mud, or if it just swallowed me whole. I have been on a medication for anxiety that also helps with depression for three or four years now and it has helped dramatically, it hasn't felt like it was helping the last 3 weeks or so though, so I talked to my doctor and asked her to increase my dose. I've been taking the increased dose for about a week now with slight improvement. I hesitate sometimes to mention that part because there is such a stigma attached to taking medication for depression and anxiety, but it's my reality and so I am owning it.

Last night as I knelt in prayer I realized how much fear I was holding on to. I have been afraid that B. won't work hard and find recovery and therefore my marriage will be over. I have been afraid that our finances will never be stable. I have let fear tell me that I am never going to be healthy and active. I have been afraid that my daughter will be unhappy as she leaves for college next fall. I have been afraid that she has been holding in her emotions and not dealing with them. I have been afraid that the world is going to chew up and spit out my tenderhearted son. I have also been afraid that he will become an addict too. I have been afraid of negative and critical comments from others. These fears have held me prisoner in my mind. They have consumed me. They have occupied so much space that I became hopeless and felt out of control.

As I knelt there I surrendered those fears as much as I was capable of. As I handed them over to Heavenly Father knowing that Christ has already suffered them for me, I felt a loosening before I even finished my prayer. It was as if there has been a band constricting my heart and as I released my fears to my Father in Heaven that band released and I could breathe and feel hope again. I know the process of surrender works. I know that holding on to fear is toxic for me and my recovery. I know that I can find peace through surrender. I haven't been practicing it and therefore I had fallen in the mire and couldn't get out. I can't ever get out on my own. I need the hand of a loving Savior to help me out. He sacrificed His life for me (and for each of you) so that I don't have to suffer these fears if I will turn them over to Him. I am grateful for a loving God who has made a plan for happiness. I wish that I didn't have to relearn things that I know and have practiced. I am grateful that I was reminded to surrender my fears last night. I feel more hope and less fear than I have felt in weeks. It's not a evangelical on fire type of miracle, but a subtle change of heart kind of miracle. It still feels like a miracle to me.

More hopeful,

T.

Surrender

Letting go and letting God is a concept I have read and heard about. I have heard that surrender isn't giving your will over but giving your heart over. It is about learning to trust that our Heavenly Father has our back. It seemed very difficult to me. Not hard to understand but difficult to put into practice. I don't trust easily and even though He is the one that I know I can trust completely, opening my heart up to trust is a difficult thing.

Two weeks ago in LifeStar our homework was to get a surrender box and put it into practice. It took me a couple days to decide what I wanted, but I found the perfect box I wanted (I'm working to eliminate words like perfect from my everyday conversation and save them to describe things that really are perfect, like our Heavenly Father).  It is beautiful on the outside and has a place for paper on the inside. The words of surrender are stored underneath.

I have really been working hard to align my will that that of our Heavenly Father. Sundays are rough for us. Satan seems to work extra hard on both of us on Sunday. Yesterday was no different, it was a rough day. Last night when I knelt in prayer, I had one of the most powerful experiences I can recall having.

I truly opened my heart and turned my concerns over to Him. I sincerely wanted to NOT carry them around anymore. I was risking a lot in my mind but He showed me it was no risk at all because He has already carried them. As I opened my heart up and surrendered my burdens, I literally felt a band loosen from around my heart. It was an actual physical sensation. As that band loosened I was able to take a deep breath. I COULD BREATHE! I didn't realize the physical tightness and pain I was carrying around. I didn't realize I hadn't been able to take a deep breath. It was incredible! I COULD BREATHE! Sorry I had to say it twice (I wrote it a few times in my journal last night so I wouldn't forget).

I didn't realize that my burdens were restricting me and that an actual physical sensation could take place when I chose to unburden myself to my Heavenly Father. I was left with a racing heart and a little anxiety because of the unexpectedness of it, but it was so freeing.

When you find yourself burdened with a load that you can't carry, or concerns that are weighing you down. Lighten your load, surrender it to the Lord. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, has already carried that load, he has already payed the price. He just wants us to stop trying to haul it around and give it on over. I heard this saying about learning to reach out and surrender (it may be from AA, I am sorry I cannot give the proper credit for it)…on your knees, on the phone, in the box. In others words, write your burden down and put it in a surrender box (I used to practice this by having a metaphorical surrender box, the real thing is actually much more of a powerful tool for me), get on your knees and ask Heavenly Father to take your burden away, you have to actually hand it over…then get on the phone and call a support person.

Nobody understands us better than He does. I will keep practicing surrendering because I have felt the evidence of it's power.

Breathing again,

T.