Just Because It Brings Someone You Love Joy

Sundays are HARD at our house. Satan works so very hard on our family on Sundays. He works on each one of us in significant ways. He is trying so hard to pull us apart. I want to scream and rage at Satan, I want to punch him in the nose and say "Stay the hell away from my family!" See, he knows how to get me.

Part of the reason that Sundays are so hard is because it is the one day a week that we usually have a significant amount of time to spend together and we can rarely agree on how to spend it. I would be happy doing about anything if we were doing it together and really striving to enjoy it. That just never seems to happen. I often want to spend the day inside watching corny Hallmark type movies and playing games. B often wants to go out and go for a walk or hike or drive. The kids each have their own ideas of what would be fun that seem to clash with ours. B has told me several times recently that I try to force the issue of family time, that I try too hard. Maybe I do, I don't know. I just really really really want us to spend quality time together enjoying each other's company. I don't want to compromise on that, but either we are all miserable doing something together or I let everyone do their own thing. Either way I feel like I am fighting an unwinnable battle. Why should it even have to be a battle? Why can't I expect my family to be able to enjoy spending time just being together? It just seems like a half an hour or an hour and we're done, that's all we have to give to each other. Frankly, it scares me more than I want to think about. What if we can never heal our broken family?

I have learned recently that I can have an opinion and desires that are opposite those I love and it doesn't mean they won't love me. Well, I'm working on learning that anyway. However, something I have known my whole life is that I don't have to be doing something I like to do in order to have fun. I can be doing something that I really don't like doing and still have an incredible time. Why? Sometimes I do things I don't want to do just because it brings joy to someone I love. Is that wrong? Is it too much to ask of my family? I don't know. It seems that often times on Sunday it is.

All I want right now, from my family, is for us all to think of ourselves a little less and the rest of the family a little more. That doesn't mean we have to neglect our own needs and time and sacrifice our self-care. It just means that sometimes we do things just because it will bring someone we love joy.

Praying for joy,

T.

Redeeming Hearts Retreat

I have had the title written for this post for months, wanting to write it but being held back by my own fear. Fear of not writing the truth, fear of hurting other's feelings, fear that I might not get another opportunity to go to a retreat like this and fear that I will. I finally decided to face my fears head-on. This is so scary for me, because my biggest fear in life is saying or doing something to make others not like me. I am so very afraid that I will be disliked (even by people I don't like) that I often don't reveal how I really feel. Hell, I sometimes don't know how I really feel because I don't want it to be contrary to what someone wants me to feel. Wow...some of you just labeled me codependent didn't you? Please don't. That's a whole other post, let's get back to the post I started.

I was so blessed to be able to attend the Redeeming Hearts Retreat that was hosted by Harriet at A Wife Redeemed. It was back in the spring, and I have wanted to write this post since then and just haven't been able to. The retreat was AMAZING. We learned, we laughed, we grew, we ate amazing and healthy meals, we bonded, we meditated and we celebrated our sisterhood. Harriet planned an amazing weekend for us and graciously hosted us. I love the women that attended. I love the weekend away. It was beautiful and fabulous. I just didn't get as much healing out of it that I wanted to. This has nothing to do with Harriet, the retreat, or the women there. It has 100% of everything to do with me.

I went up there nervous and scared. I was nervous for several reasons, not the least of which was not fitting in the seat belt on the airplane. This may not be a fear most of you relate to, but it's a real fear of mine (on the way home I swallowed my pride and didn't try and squish into the seat belt, I asked for the extender...hmmmmm...maybe more healing happened than I realized). I was so scared of not being liked or accepted by the women there. It is a completely unfounded fear. They were amazing. They embraced me and included me and never once made me feel less than. Those feelings are all in my head. I was afraid of being embarrassed because I had to pack a giant size suitcase for one weekend because my clothes are big sized they take up more room and because I have to use a CPAP to sleep at night, so I had to pack that. I am fighting tears as I write this because I am realizing two things...#1 I have wasted so much of my life being afraid and #2 I don't have to be afraid, because I am wonderful. I don't always believe that I am wonderful, but today I do. Wow, I think I wrote this post at just the right time, I'm not sure I could've admitted or understood some of these truths in the spring.

Let me tell you a little bit more about the actual retreat, because if you get the chance to go you should. It was AMAZING! First off I have to tell you about the amazing friend that I went to the retreat with. You know her as Eagle Wings from her story on A Wife Redeemed, but I just know her as my friend. She is so amazingly supportive. She reached out to me early on last year when I was first starting to look for support. She has given her time and her love to me in ways that she doesn't even realize. I told her of my fear about the airplane seat belt when we were getting ready to leave, and she helped me through it. She doesn't give herself enough credit, but she really is an amazing person.

When we arrived we were picked up by two other WOPAs attending the retreat and we stopped to pick up snacks to share. It was as if I had known these women forever. There is a bond between WOPAs that doesn't even need to be spoken. We just understand each other. We understand on a level that isn't spoken and doesn't need to be. We arrived at Harriet's home and were greeted warmly and got settled in. She is such an amazing hostess. We had dinner and we had a guided meditation with a therapist. We visited and laughed. I know I am going to confuse the timeline, so I will just tell you about the activities. We watched a movie, had a class on essential oils and their emotional healing properties (I learned that I hate lavender because I need it...this is truth and I am learning to like it). We performed a kundalini yoga healing circle that was so powerful. We shared our stories. We ate delicious food. We played games. We went on walks. We journaled. We broke pots and put them back together again. We laughed. Basically we grew in ways that may not have been obvious at the time and made friends that will be friends for years to come.

I didn't realize until I wrote this post how much healing really did happen for me that weekend. I learned so much about myself and my insecurities. I learned about my own fears and how they are just that, mine. I hope that any betrayed spouse is able to attend an event like this (and if you can attend this one, I would highly recommend it). There is so much healing that comes from knowing you aren't alone. You are part of a club, one you never wanted to belong to, and one that accepts you wholeheartedly, flaws and all. I am learning to lean into my fears, but I have a lot of demons still to face. I am blessed to not have to face them alone though. I have my Heavenly Father and a WOPA army behind me.

A little less afraid,

T.

Tender Mercies

Today was a day filled with tender mercies. It was a day where I was reminded again and again that my Heavenly Father is watching out for me. I felt His presence very keenly today.

I haven't had individual therapy for almost a month because my therapist had a baby. Today I was able to get in for a session with the therapist that runs my LifeStar group. It was a blessing. She knows enough of my story that it wasn't a full first time assessment, she let me lead where we went and what we talked about. On my way to the session I was pondering what I wanted to talk about, and some of my history was on my mind. I felt prompted to share that with her. She gave me some insight about things I had never thought about and I felt a few pieces of the puzzle click into place that hadn't fit quite right before. It was enlightening. That was a tender mercy.

Towards the end of our session she said a couple of things to me that I really needed to hear. She told me that about 15 minutes into our session two things really struck her that she felt she needed to share. The first was her observation. when I was talking, about what a lovely person I am, how lovely my spirit is and what a beautiful woman I am. I could feel the sincerity radiating in those affirmations. I felt how genuine it was and it thawed a piece of my heart. It's been a long time since I felt that kind of a sincere compliment. The second thing she shared with me she told me came from the Spirit (of note, she is not affiliated with LDS Family Services but is a private practice therapist). She said that she had the distinct impression that my ancestors are surrounding me, fighting with me, supporting me, even the ones that I have no knowledge of. She said that even though there are a lot of my ancestors that I know nothing of, that they know me and are there supporting me. I was heartened and buoyed by this. My grandma is my safe person, always has been and I have felt her presence many times through this journey. When my therapist said this to me, I could feel the support of many. This was a tender mercy.

When I got to my car, I needed a few minutes to cry. There was just so many powerful emotions fighting for my attention that I couldn't hold them all and they spilled down my cheeks. I didn't feel ready to come home. I needed some time for me, some time to process and to talk to my Heavenly Father. He guided me to the Temple Visitor's Center. I walked around for a few minutes until I came to the display of televisions that play short videos and commercials about families. Here I stopped. I watched some of the videos, but it was the television commercials that really grabbed me. I watched every one of them, all told maybe 8 of them, so it was just a few minutes of my time. The messages they shared were simple, but He knew that they were just what I needed to hear today. The simplicity of the messages was just what I needed to ground myself and sort through the turmoil. This was a tender mercy.

I still refuse to be grateful for this trial, but I am so grateful for the person I am being refined into. This refiner's fire is fierce, but I am becoming strong and whole because of it. This is a tender mercy.

My wish tonight, is for all who read this to feel the tender mercies in their own life. I pray every day for all those suffering this trial that they may find peace and healing through God. I pray that we will all be able to find joy again and that we will be stronger for having walked this road.

Gratefully,

T.

Self-Compassion

I haven't posted in a while and there has been a lot going on in our life. I will give you the highlight reel. B. acted out for about a month, and then lied to me about it. I had some hard decisions to make including whether or not I could stay in this marriage. We are now living in the same room and sleeping Lucy and Ricky style (same room, twin beds). Heavenly Father is in charge and I am taking direction from him. I had a major slip of comparison and betrayed the confidence of a friend.  I was accountable to both her and our group leader within hours. I still have to do some serious shame busting about it. It has given me some insight as to the amount of shame B. must carry around. That's the highlight reel such as it is.

I have noticed that so many of my warrior sisters (aka. Trauma Troopers or women with Betrayal Trauma) are so hard on themselves. I include myself in that. I know that for YEARS I thought, "If I was skinnier B. wouldn't look at porn."  "If I kept the house cleaner and didn't nag, B. wouldn't need porn." Insert your own "If only…" statement and you have the thoughts of most women I've met that have been betrayed. We blame ourselves a lot. It has taken me years to realize that no matter what I looked like, said, acted like, how much money I made, how clean the house was or what I was doing or not doing sexually…B. would still be an addict and turn to porn and masturbation when he couldn't handle his emotions. I am not to blame for this addiction. I wasn't there when it started. I cannot control B. or his actions. It is not my fault. That's not to say I'm perfect or that I don't have room for improvement, because believe you me, I do have a lot of room for improvement. I make mistakes on a regular basis. Some little and some meteor sized ones. The one thing I have realized I need and am starting to be better at, self-compassion. Realizing that I am an imperfect person trying in the best way I know how to work on being a better me. I have heard it often from my therapist that I need to be compassionate with myself and allow room for self-forgiveness and patience when I make mistakes.

Self-compassion is a difficult thing. I really struggle with thoughts of "If I don't do everything right then B. will use it as an excuse not to work." or "If I can't manage this then how can I expect B. to?" Both of these are completely FALSE. I have no control over what B. does in his recovery and whether he justifies his choices by citing my shortcomings. I have every right to expect my husband to respect and honor me and that he TRIES to be better and diligently works recovery even if I make mistakes. I deserve that.

Sisters, let me tell you this. Treat yourself with compassion. Look at the strong sisters that are by your side. Know that they understand this struggle and that they aren't perfect either. Know that each one of us makes mistakes on a regular basis. Keep trying and be gentle with yourself. Take time to reach out to Heavenly Father and turn your burdens over to him. Practice self-care. Give yourself permission to be less than perfect…and some days even less that just ok. You don't have to achieve perfection. Be nice to yourself. Don't use negative or defeating self-talk, especially if you wouldn't say it to someone else. Treat yourself with the kind of compassion and respect that you want your spouse to treat you with.  Love yourself and give yourself permission to grieve, this is a huge loss and will take some time to process.

Compassionately,

T.

Battle Wounds

I lay down my arms
I'm done with the fight
I'm not out of harm
And defeat is in sight

I've dug in my trenches
I'm dressed in my gear
My helmet's askew and
I'm shaking from fear

The loneliness crowds in
Despair hunkers down close
Hopelessness pushes through
Shame fills the holes

I drop to my knees
I whisper a prayer
I know that He hears
And has always cared

I hand it all over
Each fear, shame and doubt
I struggle to share
I am casting about

At last my heart slows
My words become clear
I share with Him
And I know He hears

I feel the peace
The shaking slows
The warmth permeates
The Spirit glows

At last I am free
My burdens have lifted
My cares and fears
Have now all shifted

His arms have upheld me
His love has sustained
The price has been paid
For all of my pain

I shed my armor
I climb from my hole
I am free from the burden
I am miraculously whole

T.

On Forgiveness

I have so much anger lately that I knew that I needed to blog. I knelt tonight to pray and asked Heavenly Father what I needed to blog about. Forgiveness was the answer He gave me loud and clear. There was no hesitation or waiting for the answer. Forgiveness. Woo-wee! That is a subject that is hard for me to write about.

I have heard time and again that forgiveness is not about the person in need of our forgiveness but that it is for our own healing. What if the person in need of your forgiveness is yourself? I think this is where I stumble. I'm actually a pretty forgiving person, I've forgiven B. countless times and continue to work on that. When it comes down to myself though, I have a hard time forgiving. I beat myself up with past transgressions and mistakes over and over again. I remind myself of some of them frequently. I shame myself with them. I relive them. I know that isn't what He wants, it's not what I want either. I just can't always seem to find the self-love and humility to fully forgive myself, learn and move on.

This in turn feeds my feelings of failure (read about that here) which then starts the circle over again. Vicious. Dang. Circle. Mistake - Self-Reproach-Lack of Forgiveness-Shame-Feelings of Failure-Mistake.  You see how that works? Satan knows how to get me to give in and how to make me feel worthless. He taunts me with my mistakes and I allow him to.

I haven't been self-reflective enough lately to realize this lack of forgiveness I have for myself. It is something I am going to have to work on turning over to God. In the meantime I am aware of it, that's progress.

Attempting forgiveness,

T,

Couch Time: On Being a Failure

Here we are, in the therapists office…you're sitting with your yellow legal pad and a thoughtful expression while I'm laying on the couch crying about what a failure I am.

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Ok so that's not really how it goes down when I see my therapist (whom I love and can't wait to see again next week)…but it IS something I truly feel. I feel like a failure. An absolute and complete failure at everything. This is the point I am at right in this very moment and I know exactly how I got here.

Part of me knows I'm not a failure…and loathes that word entirely. However, that voice has been silenced by the complete lack of self-care and recovery work on my part lately. I have fallen into that dreaded space of COMPLACENCY. It is something that I had hoped I would never become, yet here I am.

Early in recovery my recovery materials were always at my fingertips. I was working on workbooks or reading recovery books. I was blogging or journaling. I did my homework early most weeks. I saw my counselor weekly. I attended my LifeStar group faithfully every week. I reached out. I prayed frequently and meditated often. I attempted to read my scriptures or a conference talk on a regular basis. I attended church every week. I lived and breathed recovery.

Lately, I'm lucky if my homework is done on time. I haven't read my scriptures or a Conference talk in a while. I still pray at least once a day, but often times it's when I'm already in bed and not on my knees. I haven't blogged or journaled regularly. I can't remember the last time I meditated. I haven't seen my counselor in a month (I was sick at my last appointment and didn't realize I didn't have any more scheduled). I missed last weeks group (I was out-of-town so I didn't just skip it because I didn't want to go). I haven't been to church in three weeks and I won't be there again this week (going out of town). I have let my life get out of control. (Wow! Did you see all the excuses in parentheses?)

Here's the thing, I haven't wanted to admit any of these things to myself, because then I have to hold myself accountable. Another big wall of denial I have is that I don't want to admit any of this to B., because he already feels as if I'm not doing my part to heal our marriage and therefore he feels justified in not doing his. I want him to work hard, I deserve to have him work hard. He needs to fight for our marriage. I don't really have anything to give our marriage right now, and I may not for a while. None of these things justifies me being in denial about where my recovery is.

Step 1: Recognize there is a problem. Check! I am not going to add working The Steps to my list right now, because I'm afraid I'd throw in the towel if I added anything more to my plate, but Step 1 I have down. I definitely have a problem.

So, as I lay here and you continue to make affirming statements and ask probing questions to help me work through this, hand me a fork so I can dig into this big old slice of humble pie. The thing is, it's just what I need…a dose of humility and the willingness to accept it. I am working to open my heart up and let Him do his work while I do mine. If you get a minute to offer up a prayer, can you include me in it? I could sure use the power of strong prayers to open my heart and help Him work his miracles.

Humbly,

T.