Self-Compassion

I haven't posted in a while and there has been a lot going on in our life. I will give you the highlight reel. B. acted out for about a month, and then lied to me about it. I had some hard decisions to make including whether or not I could stay in this marriage. We are now living in the same room and sleeping Lucy and Ricky style (same room, twin beds). Heavenly Father is in charge and I am taking direction from him. I had a major slip of comparison and betrayed the confidence of a friend.  I was accountable to both her and our group leader within hours. I still have to do some serious shame busting about it. It has given me some insight as to the amount of shame B. must carry around. That's the highlight reel such as it is.

I have noticed that so many of my warrior sisters (aka. Trauma Troopers or women with Betrayal Trauma) are so hard on themselves. I include myself in that. I know that for YEARS I thought, "If I was skinnier B. wouldn't look at porn."  "If I kept the house cleaner and didn't nag, B. wouldn't need porn." Insert your own "If only…" statement and you have the thoughts of most women I've met that have been betrayed. We blame ourselves a lot. It has taken me years to realize that no matter what I looked like, said, acted like, how much money I made, how clean the house was or what I was doing or not doing sexually…B. would still be an addict and turn to porn and masturbation when he couldn't handle his emotions. I am not to blame for this addiction. I wasn't there when it started. I cannot control B. or his actions. It is not my fault. That's not to say I'm perfect or that I don't have room for improvement, because believe you me, I do have a lot of room for improvement. I make mistakes on a regular basis. Some little and some meteor sized ones. The one thing I have realized I need and am starting to be better at, self-compassion. Realizing that I am an imperfect person trying in the best way I know how to work on being a better me. I have heard it often from my therapist that I need to be compassionate with myself and allow room for self-forgiveness and patience when I make mistakes.

Self-compassion is a difficult thing. I really struggle with thoughts of "If I don't do everything right then B. will use it as an excuse not to work." or "If I can't manage this then how can I expect B. to?" Both of these are completely FALSE. I have no control over what B. does in his recovery and whether he justifies his choices by citing my shortcomings. I have every right to expect my husband to respect and honor me and that he TRIES to be better and diligently works recovery even if I make mistakes. I deserve that.

Sisters, let me tell you this. Treat yourself with compassion. Look at the strong sisters that are by your side. Know that they understand this struggle and that they aren't perfect either. Know that each one of us makes mistakes on a regular basis. Keep trying and be gentle with yourself. Take time to reach out to Heavenly Father and turn your burdens over to him. Practice self-care. Give yourself permission to be less than perfect…and some days even less that just ok. You don't have to achieve perfection. Be nice to yourself. Don't use negative or defeating self-talk, especially if you wouldn't say it to someone else. Treat yourself with the kind of compassion and respect that you want your spouse to treat you with.  Love yourself and give yourself permission to grieve, this is a huge loss and will take some time to process.

Compassionately,

T.

Battle Wounds

I lay down my arms
I'm done with the fight
I'm not out of harm
And defeat is in sight

I've dug in my trenches
I'm dressed in my gear
My helmet's askew and
I'm shaking from fear

The loneliness crowds in
Despair hunkers down close
Hopelessness pushes through
Shame fills the holes

I drop to my knees
I whisper a prayer
I know that He hears
And has always cared

I hand it all over
Each fear, shame and doubt
I struggle to share
I am casting about

At last my heart slows
My words become clear
I share with Him
And I know He hears

I feel the peace
The shaking slows
The warmth permeates
The Spirit glows

At last I am free
My burdens have lifted
My cares and fears
Have now all shifted

His arms have upheld me
His love has sustained
The price has been paid
For all of my pain

I shed my armor
I climb from my hole
I am free from the burden
I am miraculously whole

T.

On Forgiveness

I have so much anger lately that I knew that I needed to blog. I knelt tonight to pray and asked Heavenly Father what I needed to blog about. Forgiveness was the answer He gave me loud and clear. There was no hesitation or waiting for the answer. Forgiveness. Woo-wee! That is a subject that is hard for me to write about.

I have heard time and again that forgiveness is not about the person in need of our forgiveness but that it is for our own healing. What if the person in need of your forgiveness is yourself? I think this is where I stumble. I'm actually a pretty forgiving person, I've forgiven B. countless times and continue to work on that. When it comes down to myself though, I have a hard time forgiving. I beat myself up with past transgressions and mistakes over and over again. I remind myself of some of them frequently. I shame myself with them. I relive them. I know that isn't what He wants, it's not what I want either. I just can't always seem to find the self-love and humility to fully forgive myself, learn and move on.

This in turn feeds my feelings of failure (read about that here) which then starts the circle over again. Vicious. Dang. Circle. Mistake - Self-Reproach-Lack of Forgiveness-Shame-Feelings of Failure-Mistake.  You see how that works? Satan knows how to get me to give in and how to make me feel worthless. He taunts me with my mistakes and I allow him to.

I haven't been self-reflective enough lately to realize this lack of forgiveness I have for myself. It is something I am going to have to work on turning over to God. In the meantime I am aware of it, that's progress.

Attempting forgiveness,

T,

Couch Time: On Being a Failure

Here we are, in the therapists office…you're sitting with your yellow legal pad and a thoughtful expression while I'm laying on the couch crying about what a failure I am.

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Ok so that's not really how it goes down when I see my therapist (whom I love and can't wait to see again next week)…but it IS something I truly feel. I feel like a failure. An absolute and complete failure at everything. This is the point I am at right in this very moment and I know exactly how I got here.

Part of me knows I'm not a failure…and loathes that word entirely. However, that voice has been silenced by the complete lack of self-care and recovery work on my part lately. I have fallen into that dreaded space of COMPLACENCY. It is something that I had hoped I would never become, yet here I am.

Early in recovery my recovery materials were always at my fingertips. I was working on workbooks or reading recovery books. I was blogging or journaling. I did my homework early most weeks. I saw my counselor weekly. I attended my LifeStar group faithfully every week. I reached out. I prayed frequently and meditated often. I attempted to read my scriptures or a conference talk on a regular basis. I attended church every week. I lived and breathed recovery.

Lately, I'm lucky if my homework is done on time. I haven't read my scriptures or a Conference talk in a while. I still pray at least once a day, but often times it's when I'm already in bed and not on my knees. I haven't blogged or journaled regularly. I can't remember the last time I meditated. I haven't seen my counselor in a month (I was sick at my last appointment and didn't realize I didn't have any more scheduled). I missed last weeks group (I was out-of-town so I didn't just skip it because I didn't want to go). I haven't been to church in three weeks and I won't be there again this week (going out of town). I have let my life get out of control. (Wow! Did you see all the excuses in parentheses?)

Here's the thing, I haven't wanted to admit any of these things to myself, because then I have to hold myself accountable. Another big wall of denial I have is that I don't want to admit any of this to B., because he already feels as if I'm not doing my part to heal our marriage and therefore he feels justified in not doing his. I want him to work hard, I deserve to have him work hard. He needs to fight for our marriage. I don't really have anything to give our marriage right now, and I may not for a while. None of these things justifies me being in denial about where my recovery is.

Step 1: Recognize there is a problem. Check! I am not going to add working The Steps to my list right now, because I'm afraid I'd throw in the towel if I added anything more to my plate, but Step 1 I have down. I definitely have a problem.

So, as I lay here and you continue to make affirming statements and ask probing questions to help me work through this, hand me a fork so I can dig into this big old slice of humble pie. The thing is, it's just what I need…a dose of humility and the willingness to accept it. I am working to open my heart up and let Him do his work while I do mine. If you get a minute to offer up a prayer, can you include me in it? I could sure use the power of strong prayers to open my heart and help Him work his miracles.

Humbly,

T.

Resigned

The words are running around in my head, but they just won't come out tonight. I have so much that I am struggling with right now that I want to put words to, but I just can't pin them down. I guess I should say, I can't pin down how to say what is in my heart without sounding like a complaining and naggy victim. Maybe that's my answer, but my heart is so heavy right now I just need to somehow unburden a bit of it. 

B. said something to me today that made me wonder if our marriage can ever be repaired. He said (I'm paraphrasing), "I guess that you just aren't what I want you to be." It really struck a nerve because that's what I have felt our entire marriage, that somehow I don't measure up, that I'm not enough. It hurts so much to hear him actually say it. 

I feel like what he would like me to be is a Stepford Wife. I feel like he thinks he would be happy if I enjoyed everything he enjoys, always wanted to participate in whatever recreation is his current passion, fulfilled his porn-fuled sexual fantasies, cooked his dinner every night, kept the house clean and worked to support him so he wouldn't ever have to. He denied that that's what he wants when I replied that way to him earlier, but it FEELS that way to me. That's all I have to go on, how I feel. 

The blame has been heaped on me pretty thickly this week. I am getting blamed for some of the most ridiculous things by the shovelful. I am having a hard time finding my way out of the pile of crap I'm getting buried under. I am so tired of getting blamed for not being supportive enough of his recovery. I'm apparently not making his recovery easy enough on him. 

After a session with my counselor last week and some prayer and pondering on my part, I turned control of B.'s phone back over to him. I unblocked some of the restrictions (like downloading apps and the internet), although I left the internet filtered. I also told him the passcode for the restrictions so that he can control them himself (which ironically is our wedding anniversary). He admitted to me yesterday morning that he has been very tempted to act out now that he has more access, which I wasn't surprised by. During that discussion it came out that part of the reason we had been sexually intimate the morning before was because he had been fighting the temptation to act out and had instead woken me up early on Saturday so we could be intimate. I was crushed. When I told him how hurt I am, his response was to ask me why I had given him back control of his phone. WHAT?!? He wants me to trust him, but then blames me because he can't be trusted? I am hurt and angry to say the least.

Earlier in the week I falsely accused B. of acting out. I was able to verify that it was a false accusation and I apologized. B. said he understood that I don't trust him because he hasn't been trustworthy in the past, that was HUGE. Let me repeat, THAT WAS HUGE FOR ME! He actually took responsibility for how his actions had impacted our marriage. I was so grateful and I told him so a couple of times. Before I was able to verify that it was a false accusation I had written him a letter telling him that he had basically two weeks to find a place to live and be out. This may seem drastic, but it wasn't for me and it felt like what I needed to do. It hurt. It still hurts to think that I may have to ask him to leave. I don't want that, but I can't live like this anymore. What I don't understand is why, when he knows the consequences of him acting out, doesn't he fight harder for himself and for us? Why is his own selfish behavior more important that we are?

The message that I keep getting from B. is that I don't matter, I'm not worth fighting for. That not only am I not worth fighting for but that somehow I am to blame for that fact. The "if only's" are ringing out loud and clear ("if only" I could do this, "if only" I didn't do this). His mouth keeps saying that that isn't the truth, but his actions scream loudly that it is. I keep getting bombarded with the message that I'm not enough and that I don't matter and then told that I have to work harder to make it easier for him and fight harder for our marriage. He has asked me repeatedly why he should work so hard to fight for someone that is so angry all the time. Why? I guess only he can answer that. I'll be honest, I'm about done fighting, I'm about ready to lay it all down and call it unwinable. I am about to admit defeat to Satan and congratulate him on being able to tear apart another family. 

Resignedly,

T.

Battle Fatigue

Battle Fatigue is what PTSD was known as during WWII. It doesn't fit exactly what I am feeling, but the words paint a picture for me of what I look like on the inside. I am weary to the bone of fighting this battle and I just want to go to sleep for a while and take a break from life. Nobody call 911, I'm not suicidal, just worn out. I am physically, emotionally and mentally worn out.

Right now where I am really struggling is to find that balance. How much recovery work can I realistically do and keep up on life. Right now I'm not being very successful at either. I know I'm not the only one trying to find this balance, I've heard others talk about it too. I also know that the balance looks different for everyone. I work full-time plus, I have kids and a house to keep up. I also try to find some time to do things for self-care and recovery. It feels like right now I'm trying to find that delicate balance between time for recovery and time for life…and a splinter can tip the scales.

The other thing I am struggling with right now is my utter disconnection from B. I have erected almost all my walls again and shored them up with new ones. It was done intentionally and with purpose. He is showing signs of working on and trying to be in recovery. The problem is that it is never consistent. He will be very contentious of my needs and will be thinking of things to lighten the load for me and work on connecting with me and being honest…for a couple of days. Then it's all too much for him and he withdraws and his needs come first. It is like standing on a rug that you love that is covering a concrete floor…it is so nice and warm and comforting for a couple days then all of a sudden it gets yanked out from underneath you and you end up on the cold hard floor with new purple bruises on top of the already tender yellow ones that are just starting to heal. It is more traumatic in a way than the last 20 years have been because I had those couple of days of connection and care. It's like I'm being robbed of that safety over and over and over again. Before, I never expected or hoped for it, so it was just was I was used to with zero expectations of it being any different. Now, I can see the changes and feel the difference SOME of the time. Mind you, I wouldn't go back to the way it was either. I could not live like that anymore.

When he checks in with me at night and relates how he is feeling relationally he always says disconnected. He will sometimes say that he doesn't know what he is fighting for anymore because I am so disconnected. I have told him every which way what I need to be able to start connecting more. CONSISTENCY. That's it. I need to see consistent improvement with more good days that bad. I'm not asking for perfection, just progress.  I need to be thought of more and my needs need to be as important as his own.

I want to connect with my husband. I want to have a happy marriage. I believe that those two things are possible. I just need some safety and consistency before they will happen. I believe that as we both get more recovery under our belts that our relationship will become our focus. Right now all I can do is concentrate on is my own recovery and being the best me I can be.

Weary to the bone,

T.

Surrender

Letting go and letting God is a concept I have read and heard about. I have heard that surrender isn't giving your will over but giving your heart over. It is about learning to trust that our Heavenly Father has our back. It seemed very difficult to me. Not hard to understand but difficult to put into practice. I don't trust easily and even though He is the one that I know I can trust completely, opening my heart up to trust is a difficult thing.

Two weeks ago in LifeStar our homework was to get a surrender box and put it into practice. It took me a couple days to decide what I wanted, but I found the perfect box I wanted (I'm working to eliminate words like perfect from my everyday conversation and save them to describe things that really are perfect, like our Heavenly Father).  It is beautiful on the outside and has a place for paper on the inside. The words of surrender are stored underneath.

I have really been working hard to align my will that that of our Heavenly Father. Sundays are rough for us. Satan seems to work extra hard on both of us on Sunday. Yesterday was no different, it was a rough day. Last night when I knelt in prayer, I had one of the most powerful experiences I can recall having.

I truly opened my heart and turned my concerns over to Him. I sincerely wanted to NOT carry them around anymore. I was risking a lot in my mind but He showed me it was no risk at all because He has already carried them. As I opened my heart up and surrendered my burdens, I literally felt a band loosen from around my heart. It was an actual physical sensation. As that band loosened I was able to take a deep breath. I COULD BREATHE! I didn't realize the physical tightness and pain I was carrying around. I didn't realize I hadn't been able to take a deep breath. It was incredible! I COULD BREATHE! Sorry I had to say it twice (I wrote it a few times in my journal last night so I wouldn't forget).

I didn't realize that my burdens were restricting me and that an actual physical sensation could take place when I chose to unburden myself to my Heavenly Father. I was left with a racing heart and a little anxiety because of the unexpectedness of it, but it was so freeing.

When you find yourself burdened with a load that you can't carry, or concerns that are weighing you down. Lighten your load, surrender it to the Lord. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, has already carried that load, he has already payed the price. He just wants us to stop trying to haul it around and give it on over. I heard this saying about learning to reach out and surrender (it may be from AA, I am sorry I cannot give the proper credit for it)…on your knees, on the phone, in the box. In others words, write your burden down and put it in a surrender box (I used to practice this by having a metaphorical surrender box, the real thing is actually much more of a powerful tool for me), get on your knees and ask Heavenly Father to take your burden away, you have to actually hand it over…then get on the phone and call a support person.

Nobody understands us better than He does. I will keep practicing surrendering because I have felt the evidence of it's power.

Breathing again,

T.