An Update

I realized that I haven't journaled here since February, and that I have three posts started that I never finished, so I will give you an update.

I haven't gone back to review anything I have previously posted, so I am sorry if this is a bit of a surprise.

First thing, B. and I are divorced. We made the decision, filed, and was finalized in about five or six weeks. It was surreal how fast it moved. It was a relief in a lot of ways too though. It was a weight lifted to know that there was an answer, and the answer was that I had given all I could and that it was ok to be done. It was a relief to know that I am no longer on constant guard in my own home. That I have the space to heal and grow as I need to, without so many triggers and emotions on a daily basis. It was hard. We were married for twenty-two years in March. We have two amazing children that are affected by this. There were financial repercussions. I took all those things into account when I told B. that I wanted a divorce. I still have complete peace knowing it was the right thing for all of us at this point. Not the easy thing, but the right thing.

Many may thing that divorce is the easy answer, and in some ways maybe it is...but it wasn't an easy answer for me. It was difficult and drawn out (it took me nearly three years of working recovery to get to that point).

I have also seen some incredible growth as a result of the divorce. I have become much more independent. I have tackled home improvement projects I never would have before. I rarely worry about what others think of me, and when I do I can generally surrender them pretty easily. I have so much less anger in my heart. I have learned wholeheartedly how loved I am by my Heavenly Father. I am proud of the woman I am becoming. It's not all easy street, in fact none of it is. I have several days that I just want to crawl in bed and hide from everything, but overall, I am happy. I am learning. I am growing. I am loved.

Learning and growing,

T.