Worthy of Love

   I have struggled to write this post, because it seems so insignificant in the scheme of things, but it is significant to me. Being single is so freeing in some ways, I get to do what I want without consideration of what someone else wants. At the same time it's isolating because you don't have that person to lean on that should be there for you. For me personally, the hardest part is having to ask for help from outside, I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I have made great strides in accepting that others WANT to help me, the same as I want to help them. I try to remind myself frequently, that I am loved by many and that that love is not conditional. One of the lasting effects of Betrayal Trauma is the way I feel about myself, and the feeling of never being enough or worthy of love. I still fight this battle every single day. I have been able to overcome a lot of the negative self talk and false beliefs, but that nagging one of not being worthy of love still lingers. I know in my heart I am worthy of being loved, it's just my mind that keeps feeding me that negative message. I've been conditioned for so many years from messages I received as a young woman, to the prevalence of the message in media, and the effect that B's addiction had on me. As women we are bombarded by the message that if we don't look and act "sexy" then we aren't worthy of love. It's tough propaganda to not buy into. All that to say, I needed my support system this last weekend, they showed up for me, and it was humbling.

Last Friday, I went to the Emergency Room after almost 24 hours of having the symptoms of a stomach bug. I just thought I was going in to be hydrated and get some nausea medicine. That turned out not to be the case, I had a partial small bowel obstruction (related to scar tissue from previous surgeries), and I was admitted to the hospital. It's scary being admitted to the hospital knowing you don't have a partner to be there to support you. It is what it is though, so I buckled down and knew I could get through this (after an hour of crying by myself on the ER stretcher). I let -my best friend know what was going on and without even a thought she said, "I'm coming". Y'all she lives four hours away and has her own family to take care of. It wasn't even a question to her, she finished up work, packed up and drove the four hours to sleep on the hospital couch with me. The love of that gesture was overwhelming. I was scared. I was on pain medicine. I have diabetes. We had no idea if I was going to need surgery (I didn't). It was a lot, but I chose to be by myself, so I was just going to do what I had to do. Having someone there so I didn't have to face it alone, it was such a relief. Then within a short time of being admitted I received flowers and a blanket from my amazing work friends. I can't tell you how many texts and messages of support and concern I received, as well as dinners provided when I got home, one friend even made sure I had a picture of the afghan I entered in our county fair, since I couldn't see it in person. The outpouring of love shown to me was astounding. I have several women whom I consider best friends, it's amazing the kind, loving, and supportive friends I have. I am beyond blessed. I was not alone physically, emotionally, or spiritually. 

I ended up staying in the hospital until Sunday, so two days, and got to go home on my birthday. It was a short stay considering what it could have been. Here's what was the worst part of it, I had to cancel a trip to see my parents and take care of my sister after surgery she was having. I was supposed to leave on Saturday, and celebrate my birthday with my twin sister. Then on Monday she had surgery, I was supposed to be there to take care of her. It sucked. I actually don't like that word at all. but it's what sums it up. She's had a rougher week than she expected, and I wasn't there. I wanted to be there. I wanted to show her the love of being well cared for. She has support and people there to take care of her, but I wanted to be the one that was there. I miss my sister. I miss my parents. I want to see them. This pandemic has made that very hard. I haven't seen them much in the last 15 months. Not being able to go see my family and take care of my sister has been the hardest part of this. Now anyway. 

I am finally feeling pretty much back to normal. I used my week of vacation to recover, which is not how I wanted to spend my time off. Life doesn't always give us what we want, but sometimes it gives us what we need. For me this whole experience has reminded me how much I am loved. It's reinforced the amazing support system I have. It has reminded me that I am no longer living in the isolation of Betrayal Trauma, and the things I kept hidden about my life for so many years. It reminded me that I am worthy of being loved. I am truly blessed that I have so many people in my corner. Heavenly Father is looking out for me. 

I AM LOVED.

Sincerely,

T.

A Lot to Unpack

 I need to start blogging/journaling again, because I am finding I have a lot to unpack and it's just rattling around in my brain right now. The last year plus has been so HARD in some ways and such a blessing in others. I'm not ready to unpack all that today, today I want to unpack my feelings about marriage. There are a lot, and they are contradictory, uncertain, strong, and hopeful. See what I mean, a lot to unpack.

Let me start by saying I want to be married again. I want a companion. I want to be loved for who I am, and be able to return that love to another person. I WANT that, beyond that is where the waters get muddy. You see, when I got married the first time, B and I were sealed for time an all eternity in one of the temples of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. The significance of that is that we believe that we will be able to be together after death. I still want that, not with B, but it's still something I want. I want to find a companion that I can be with forever. In all honesty, that looks nearly impossible from where I stand right now. I am trying to have faith that if I follow the guidance I get from my Heavenly Father and listen to what he has to say to me, that I will be blessed. Trusting in His timing is not always my strong suit. 

Part of what I am struggling with is my own false belief that if my beautiful and amazing friends have not been able to find forever companions, how will I? I have fought the demon of comparison for as long as I can remember, and most days it takes constant reminders to not compare myself to others. My journey is not their journey. My choices are not their choices. My life not theirs. Why do I find myself any less worthy than someone else for companionship and love? I don't have the fortitude to unpack all of that now, but I can say I have struggled with my self worth since at least my early teens. I need to do the work to learn to love me, in order to attract the companion I want, but I'll tell you that is much easier said that done most days. I have been able to work through those feelings of inadequacy that stemmed from B's porn use, and I no longer believe that it was because I wasn't enough that he turned to porn. The scars on my heart came much earlier than that and I haven't been able to repair them completely. 

This post is not heading in the direction I thought it was going to, but apparently the words are taking me someplace I need to be tonight. I don't know if I have shared this before, but apparently I need to talk about it, because these are the words that keep coming to my heart tonight. 

I was told I was fat from the time I hit puberty, maybe not in those words, but in other ways. I received this message from people that were supposed to love me unconditionally, and it became my own personal internal message. It's the voice I still hear today. It doesn't help that the message I receive so much as a women from mainstream media is that my worth is in how I look and how sexy I am. I am, in fact, obese. I am no where near society's standard of beauty. I am nowhere near my own standard of beauty, which I have been trying to demolish for years. I am not blaming my obesity on the messages I receive from society, or the ones I got in childhood. This is on me, I made the choices that got me here. I grant you that I do have disordered eating, but that is still not an excuse in my book. I know I need to have compassion on myself and give myself grace, but I still need to hold myself accountable. I find that bottom line is that I don't love myself, and because I don't love myself, I don't take care of myself. I don't put in the work emotionally, spiritually, or physically to heal. 

As hard as it is to see that there in black and white, it's a good dose of reality for me. I also can't keep beating myself up about it, I just need to take the time to do the work. I feel like tonight I have made a step in the right direction. Apparently my heart knew what I needed to say, even if my mind hadn't acknowledged it yet. 

Accountably,

T.

Trusting Myself

I am currently reading a book that has held me riveted, it's called Educated and it is written by Tara Westover. I am appalled and at the same time enthralled with this woman's story. How a human could have been raised the way she was and survive, let alone create a new life for herself is astounding to me. If you haven't read it, I recommend it.

This post isn't a book review though, it's about something she wrote in her book. There are times I find myself rewriting history, well not really rewriting it, but forgetting pieces of it. I am healing, growing, and learning that I am more than what my trauma has told me. Reading Ms. Westover's words reminded me that there were years where I lived in a different state of mind though. "...that I was likely insane. If I was insane, everything could be made to make sense. If I was sane nothing could. This logic seemed damning. It was also a relief. I was not evil; I was clinical." I felt crazy for years in my marriage, I lived with that feeling of craziness at times, even though I knew in my heart I wasn't.

I don't diminish the fact that I was gaslighted, and I am not taking on responsibility for my ex-husband's actions by saying that I "chose" crazy. I didn't choose to feel crazy consciously. I felt crazy because what I felt in my gut and what I was being told by my ex and by my own investigation differed. I knew things to be one way in my heart, but my logical mind couldn't find proof. That led me to feel crazy.

Why the statement above resonated so much with me was because in a way I did choose to feel crazy, because I chose not to trust myself. I had promptings that B was deep in his addiction and was lying to me. I would investigate to try and "catch" him, but he was really good at covering his tracks. Then I would confront him and he would very convincingly lie to me. Therefore, I MUST be crazy because why else would I get "promptings" or "gut feelings" if they weren't true? Only they were true, and I trusted what my logic mind was telling me over what my spiritual center perceived. I trusted my what I saw more than I trusted my faith in God.

I am not comparing or correlating my own experience to that of the author's, only saying that her words struck a chord with me tonight. I know what it feels like to question your own sanity when in the mode of self-preservation. When the truth you are being required to face, is harder than living with the feeling of insanity.

My life is what I choose it to be, at least to some degree. I am handed situations that are out of my control, that is how life happens. I am not in control of what happens to me, I am in control of how I react to what happens to me. I don't always react the way I wish I did. I frequently don't react the way I wish I did, for that matter. I am however, in control of how I act and react. I have help dealing with my actions and reactions though. I take medication for depression and anxiety, I attend therapy, and I try and maintain a close relationship with God. My life is my own to chose, however, I was not meant to chose to walk alone. I cannot choose to live my life in isolation and be my happiest self. Sometimes people and situations enter my life and I am taxed and challenged in ways I am ill-equipped to handle. That is when I need to choose to trust myself and rely on the tools and people around me, including my faith in God. I didn't choose to do this for a long time, and once I did, it took me a long time to learn to trust myself again. That was truly one of the hardest things I have had to recover from, the absolute inability to trust myself.  It was one of the things that most devastated our marriage, the fact that I was conditioned not to trust myself.

If you don't trust yourself, start trying. You are not alone in this battle. There are many others here to help. Trust yourself enough to reach out.

Learning to trust,

T.

A Black Hole and a View of the Universe

I've tried to write this post three times, and it's not going where I had intended it to go, so I'm just writing to see what comes out. Obviously what I wanted to say is not what I need to say. Music. When I started writing this post I was writing about the black hole I've been in lately. But a song came on and it has changed my entire message. It's called Hanging D by Joep Beving. I has created the image of the universe for me, stars, an colors, and flow. I don't even know how to express the sense of something bigger that has permeated me. God. My Heavenly Father knows that sometimes the best way to get me to feel is through music. Tonight He did that. So tonight, my message has changed from the one I had intended to share about pain and darkness, to one of light, freedom, and hope. 

There have been some really dark times in my life. Times when I wanted to give up and sit on the couch eating junk food and letting my life fall down around me. Recently that's where I have been. Tonight not so much. Tonight I feel hope. I have a sense of purpose because I feel that I am a part of something bigger. Not in the way that I feel that my problems are small or insignificant, or that I am small and insignificant. In a way that I am part of a bigger family, a village of people, both here and in a realm I cannot see. I am surrounded by love. Words are so inadequate right now to express the sense of feeling and being that I have. 

I love to write, but tonight words are failing me. There are two forms of expression that I carry no talent in. One is music, and the other dance. Right now I wish I did because I think I could express myself in a way that would get my feeling across. I don't know how to say it, so I will just share a link below to the video. The ending is unexpected, yet somehow it fits.

Hanging D by Joep Beving

Hopefully, 

T.

God and my Girlfriends

I recently heard a song by Reba McEntire called God and my Girlfriends. In it she talks about how the two constants in her life have been God and her friends, and how she relies on them. It really spoke to me, because I don't know what I would do without God or my girlfriends. I have the most amazing support system around, and I would not make it through this journey called life without them. If you are struggling now, reach out, find your tribe. I know it can feel like you are all alone, but that is never true. God is ALWAYS there. It may feel very much like He is not, but He is. In our darkest and hardest moments He is there. HE is there to help us celebrate and to help us mourn.
He is the center of my life, and without Him, I would be lost. He has also brought the most amazing women into my life. I am able to be loved and give love to the circle of people that surround me. I am blessed beyond words. I pray everyday, that others can be as blessed as I have been. Take a minute to thank God for all your blessings, including the people He has surrounded you with. I know I will.

The Road Less Traveled

The Road Not Taken

by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

This poem has been in my mind the last couple of weeks, particularly the last verse. I feel like Heavenly Father has led me to where two roads have diverged, and that I have chosen the one less traveled by. The divergence He has led me to, is two different paths to a graduate degree. In the back of my mind for months now has been the thought that I have graduate school options, and I have fought those thoughts a lot. I honestly had no desire to go back to school. None. Now, it's all I can think about, and I am excited.

It always amazes me that I can feel inspiration from Him so clearly, when just a few years ago, I had done my best to cut myself off from God. That is a story for another time, or you can read it on my Instagram post form earlier this week (@leavingnothingunsaid on Instagram). Like I said, I've had thoughts about graduate school in the back of my head for a few months, but in the last two weeks, He has brought them front and center. He has shown me that I need to take a new road, one I have not traveled before. I have had two major choices in fields of study in my mind, and logically, one makes a lot more sense than the other. It is directly related to my undergraduate degree, it probably has a higher earning potential, and it has a high demand. The other degree, is not directly related to my undergrad degree, but I can move right to it, it is definitely the road less traveled for me, it makes the least logical sense of the two choices, and yet I feel called to take it. I always knew what I was meant to do growing up, from the time I was little. I never wavered. I have followed that path for 21 years, this would be a completely different career. It is, however, a career that I am deeply passionate about and feel called.

I give all the credit where it is due, my Father in Heaven. He has guided my life. He has lead me through the worst trial of my life. He will continue to bring me through. As I have taken steps down that road less traveled, it has felt peaceful and right. It's not going to be easy, but it is what I am meant to do.

Travelling,

T.

*poem from poetryfoundation.org

One is the Loneliest Number

Heavenly Father has truly blessed me to have amazing people in my life, I have felt His love so deeply through the people He has placed in my life. In the last few months though, hard and amazing events have happened in the lives of a lot of my support people that have pulled them away. I don't blame any of them, everyone has to know their limits, and everyone deserves to focus on their own needs, hopes and dreams. My sister has had a lot going on, working full time, building a house, going to school, so she hasn't had a lot to give me. One of my closest friends has gone back to school, and another one has had to put her mom in assisted living and has bought a house. My LifeStar group ended abruptly and with a fair amount of emotion. My parents just moved into a new home, so they have been busy. My sister and parents already live a few hundred miles away, so that limits in person support any way. The relationship with my "sisters" that I had through marriage has changed with the divorce (which is to be expected). All these things have happened in the last few months.

I still have some amazing support in my life. I have some amazing friends that I reach out to daily, and they allow me to be there for them. I have a therapist that knows me so well and is helping me navigate all this. I have a group of friends that I am able to video chat with.  I have friends at church. I'm not without support, but I AM lonely.

I miss having someone that I could talk to at the end of the day. Someone to share the joy and burden of parenting with.  I miss having someone to sit on the couch with and watch tv. I miss having someone to hold me on a hard day and just let me cry. These things were largely missing the last few years of my marriage, but there was still the hope of having them when B and I were married.

Maybe my loneliness is partly grief for what I dreamed and hoped to have in my marriage and never did on a consistent basis, and didn't really have at all the last few years. Maybe I am grieving the loss of a partner. That feels true. Sometimes I need to start typing or writing in order to get the feelings out. I am grieving the loss of the marriage I always wanted I think. I don't think I am grieving that loss of my actual marriage, I am grieving the loss of the marriage I always wanted. I never gave up hope that we could have that marriage. Clear up until a few weeks before our divorce, I still has some hope that we could rebuild and have an even stronger marriage than we had ever had. Hope is so hard at times.

I don't have unrealistic expectations of marriage. I know that every marriage has challenges and that it is by working through those challenges that growth happens and strength is gained. I want to put in the work to build a relationship of trust and understanding. I want a partnership.

I keep getting the message that I'm not ready to date and/or have a relationship. It's coming from all over, including from myself. I know I have growing to do. I know that I have trust issues and body shame. I know I lack confidence and love for myself. I know that I'm probably not ready for a relationship. That doesn't diminish the need I have for connection. It doesn't ease the loneliness, or decrease the desire to have a partner. I know that I need to learn to surrender these feelings to my Heavenly Father. I know that Christ has already carried this burden for me. I have true faith in the power of The Atonement. Right now I am having difficulty accessing it. The loneliness is so bone deep right now that I literally feel like I have a hollow place in side my chest.

I also know that every single day I see Heavenly Father's tender mercies in my life. I see His love for me in both little and big ways. I feel his care and concern for me. Because I feel and know these things, I know that I will be able to get through this. I am not hopeless, just weary. I know that what is happening right now, this bone deep loneliness, won't stay forever. I know that I will be able to access Christ's loving atonement for me again. I know that this is just a temporary stopping point on my journey. I will get through this. I will find joy and connection again.

I can't predict the future, or see when or if I will have another relationship or marriage. I know that Heavenly Father's hand is in my life. I have faith that I will continue to be blessed by him. Just writing this has helped lift some of the loneliness and allowed some hope to sneak in.

Less lonely,

T.