Shrapnel Wounds

It feels like target practice and I'm the target, or rather I'm being hit by shrapnel from the direct hits to the targets nearby (which keep moving). I feel like I could withstand a little bit of shrapnel, use my tools and take care of myself, but lately it feels like it has been coming at me too fast.

Remember this post where I talked about my childhood best friend losing her husband to cancer. That seems to have been the beginning of the shrapnel. I held up pretty good and was able to recuperate. Well the next round started with me stepping down as a manger at work. This is a GOOD thing for my family and for me, but it's still a change that takes getting used to, I still feel a bit lost. I know though that, I can do hard things.

The week after that they closed our physical office and set us up at home to work full-time (it didn't happen that fast, it's just when it was finalized). So now here I am, recuperating from shrapnel wounds, feeling a little lost and without some of my fellow warriors by my side. Ok deep breaths, I had a full week off after that for some R&R. I can do hard things.

When I came back to the battle (because right now that's what it feels like), I was more rested and healed and ready to work. I was less lost and had a permanent position in the field. I was ready. Then one of my dear sweet warrior sisters lost her preemie baby. This was her first baby and she was a miracle because she was growing next to a molar pregnancy. She lived a miraculous twenty days after being born at not quite twenty-four weeks gestation. On top of that, this warrior sister has to have chemotherapy to kill the molar cells that have spread to other parts of her body. My heart is breaking, but I can handle it, I'll just keep fighting, praying and keeping in touch with her. Fresh new shrapnel wounds, but I have other brave warrior sisters who know and love our miracle baby and her mommy as much as I do…we bind each others wounds and help each other survive to fight another day.

I was able to get a weekend pass after that battle to spend some time learning and growing at The Togetherness Project (I'll share more about that in another post).  I wanted to share that with you first, but alas, my wounds are too fresh right now to talk about the healing I received in the care of this amazing organization.

As I was driving home from this healing weekend the next bomb went off, this one the closest one yet. B. acted out while I was at Togetherness. I knew it in my heart on Saturday, but he confirmed it in a phone call on Sunday while I was driving home. I asked him to, I felt like I was going to arrive back to the battlefield too late to be given the intel and have any sort of debriefing when I got there that night. It was painful and hurt a lot, but I have a lot of tools to help me recover from this kind of shrapnel.

About half an hour later I received even more shrapnel wounds, this one was a direct hit though, so really not shrapnel but a bomb. One of my fellow soldiers that has been dispersed to other camps (aka. one of my coworkers that was set up to work at home when our office closed), called with some intel. One of my really good friends and fellow soldiers was killed in a car accident. I was speechless and if you know me well, you know that's pretty much next to impossible to do. I was heartbroken. This amazing woman was made for goodness. She loved with every fiber of her being and you knew she loved you no matter what. She was easy to talk to and had a heart of gold. She had her flaws, but you didn't focus on those because she was just too genuine and loving. I'm still a bit numb, the pain comes in bursts, but I have had to try to just let it out in increments otherwise it's just too much. 

That was Sunday, just three days ago. I'm having a much more difficult time healing from these last two wounds, especially the most recent. Then last night another bomb. Another direct hit. Due to some poor financial decisions and follow-through on both mine and B's part, they started foreclosure proceedings on our home. We had started a loan modification process but it is slow going, it was supposed to put the foreclosure on hold, but we found out that the bank filed a notice of default this week. The communication with the bank has been very difficult and I'm terrified of losing my home. I'm honestly not sure that our marriage would survive that. I'm just not sure I can heal from that wound enough to trust B. again.

I have amazing leadership, warrior sisters and soldiers fighting next to me. I have been loved and encouraged and aided. Right now though, I feel a bit like swiss cheese with each hit taking another piece of me. I just want to catch a break and have some good news. Part of the problem is that my house is a disaster and I just don't have the energy or desire to do anything about it and it seems that neither does anyone else around here. It's hard to find peace amidst chaos, but I really don't have the strength to tame the chaos and I have too much shame about the condition of the house to ask for help. It's rather humiliating.

The most painful wound of all, was the realization that no matter how much I want it, no matter how much he wants to provide it, B. just isn't capable of providing the support I need to recuperate from my wounds right now. Especially not the ones he inflicted. I want his support and he wants to support me, he just isn't capable of it right now. It's very hard to heal from a wound that just keeps getting reopened. 

I am going to go switch my fatigues to the dryer so I can put on the battle wear again tomorrow and try and heal and continue fighting. I will win this battle and heal from these wounds, but not without scars. I am learning though, that our scars make us stronger and are part of our story. 

Battle weary and wounded,

T.