I haven't posted in a while and there has been a lot going on in our life. I will give you the highlight reel. B. acted out for about a month, and then lied to me about it. I had some hard decisions to make including whether or not I could stay in this marriage. We are now living in the same room and sleeping Lucy and Ricky style (same room, twin beds). Heavenly Father is in charge and I am taking direction from him. I had a major slip of comparison and betrayed the confidence of a friend. I was accountable to both her and our group leader within hours. I still have to do some serious shame busting about it. It has given me some insight as to the amount of shame B. must carry around. That's the highlight reel such as it is.
I have noticed that so many of my warrior sisters (aka. Trauma Troopers or women with Betrayal Trauma) are so hard on themselves. I include myself in that. I know that for YEARS I thought, "If I was skinnier B. wouldn't look at porn." "If I kept the house cleaner and didn't nag, B. wouldn't need porn." Insert your own "If only…" statement and you have the thoughts of most women I've met that have been betrayed. We blame ourselves a lot. It has taken me years to realize that no matter what I looked like, said, acted like, how much money I made, how clean the house was or what I was doing or not doing sexually…B. would still be an addict and turn to porn and masturbation when he couldn't handle his emotions. I am not to blame for this addiction. I wasn't there when it started. I cannot control B. or his actions. It is not my fault. That's not to say I'm perfect or that I don't have room for improvement, because believe you me, I do have a lot of room for improvement. I make mistakes on a regular basis. Some little and some meteor sized ones. The one thing I have realized I need and am starting to be better at, self-compassion. Realizing that I am an imperfect person trying in the best way I know how to work on being a better me. I have heard it often from my therapist that I need to be compassionate with myself and allow room for self-forgiveness and patience when I make mistakes.
Self-compassion is a difficult thing. I really struggle with thoughts of "If I don't do everything right then B. will use it as an excuse not to work." or "If I can't manage this then how can I expect B. to?" Both of these are completely FALSE. I have no control over what B. does in his recovery and whether he justifies his choices by citing my shortcomings. I have every right to expect my husband to respect and honor me and that he TRIES to be better and diligently works recovery even if I make mistakes. I deserve that.
Sisters, let me tell you this. Treat yourself with compassion. Look at the strong sisters that are by your side. Know that they understand this struggle and that they aren't perfect either. Know that each one of us makes mistakes on a regular basis. Keep trying and be gentle with yourself. Take time to reach out to Heavenly Father and turn your burdens over to him. Practice self-care. Give yourself permission to be less than perfect…and some days even less that just ok. You don't have to achieve perfection. Be nice to yourself. Don't use negative or defeating self-talk, especially if you wouldn't say it to someone else. Treat yourself with the kind of compassion and respect that you want your spouse to treat you with. Love yourself and give yourself permission to grieve, this is a huge loss and will take some time to process.
Compassionately,
T.
