Why I Write *edited*

Tonight I received my first troll comment on the blog, and it hurt. I won't say that I didn't think of defending myself and my choices to this anonymous commenter, because I did. Ultimately though, it would not have made a difference. The commenter probably would never come back to read it and the hurtful thing would just upset me every time I came to MY blog. I deleted it. That may seem cowardly to some, but to me it was what I needed.

This is my safe space to write about what I think, feel, and how my recovery is going. It's not a space where I will tolerate being judged and belittled. I am all up for a discussion if you don't agree with me, you don't have to agree with me. However, if you want to call me names and rant at me, I retain the right to delete your comment. If you can address any questions, disagreement or concerns in an open and respectful manner, please fell free to comment. Otherwise, move along, and don't waste either of our time.

I don't write for praise or acclimation. I don't write for notoriety or fame. I write for two reasons. The first reason is that I write for me. I write to help myself heal and have a place where I can say what I need to. The second reason is so that if any of my experiences can help another. I share what I am going through and learning in the hopes that someone might relate and find some hope. I am given that light and hope by others that openly share their stories, therefore I want to help pay that forward.

The words I write come from deep inside of me, and a lot of the time I don't know exactly what I need to say until my fingers start typing. I do my very best writing when I don't think consciously about what I want to write but I let my fingers follow my thoughts as they come. Sometimes those words aren't from me, sometimes the words come from Heavenly Father and I relay a message that he wants me to. Sometimes they are from my wounded heart and I search from healing. Whatever the words may be, know that they are my words, my story, and I am learning and growing as I go. I am imperfect and flawed. I am real and human though. I bleed when injured, whether literally or metaphorically.

Humanly yours,

T.

After much thought and consideration, I have decided that I will moderate all comments. You are free to say whatever you feel, and post anonymously. I am free to keep this as my safe space and give time and space to those things that are in keeping with my own recovery. This space is a space of healing for me and not a place for vitriol or vengeance. Please know that I respect other's opinions but my heart and soul is open on these pages and therefore I reserve the right to moderate what is shared and posted here.

Fear and Surrender

Two weeks ago was tumultuous to say the least. I have had to make some big decision and I have lived in fear of making them. I let my fears control me for days. I was so afraid that I was angry and scared and it showed. My heart raced, I was shaky, I had a short temper and I even said the "F" word in our couples therapy session. That was not a good moment, and I apologized both to B. and to our therapist. That is not the person I want to be, and no matter what B. has done or said he doesn't deserve to be verbally assaulted.

I finally broke down, humbled myself, and asked my Bishop (ecclesiastical leader) for a priesthood blessing. The blessing he pronounced upon my head brought me so much peace. I am not sure that I adequately expressed my gratitude to him. I was no longer afraid to face the hard choices. I was no longer living in fear and self-doubt. I knew at that moment that Heavenly Father was aware of me and my needs and that He would not abandon me to make the choice alone.

Thursday I met with my therapist and then I attended the LDS Temple seeking clarity and guidance. I received it quickly and clearly. I have peace about the choice I made. It will be a difficult one on all of us but I feel it is the right one for all of us as well. I came out with a sense of peace that was palpable.  I had at last humbled myself enough to surrender my fear to Heavenly Father. Once I was finally able to hand it over, the answer came swiftly and easily to my mind. I knew clearly what the right choice was, and it was not the answer I expected.

I'm not intentionally trying to be vague about my big life decision, but it is so scary to write out. *deep breath* B. and I are separating. It's going to be a bit of a strange separation and not 100% complete but it is enough for now. I know that this will bring me the measure of space and separation I need right now to work on my own recovery and healing. I pray often that B. will use the time and space to get himself right with God and surrender his will to Him. I pray that B. will find recovery. I have however, surrendered that to Heavenly Father. I cannot make him find recovery. I cannot work his recovery for him. I cannot force, guilt, shame or manipulate him into recovery. Trust me I have tried all those things and more. The only thing I can do is put my trust in Heavenly Father and know that no matter what happens, I will be happy because I am following the Lord's will for me.

If I could ask one little favor it is this, keep us in your prayers. We could use all the heavenly intervention we can get.

Peacefully,

T.