I am currently reading a book that has held me riveted, it's called Educated and it is written by Tara Westover. I am appalled and at the same time enthralled with this woman's story. How a human could have been raised the way she was and survive, let alone create a new life for herself is astounding to me. If you haven't read it, I recommend it.
This post isn't a book review though, it's about something she wrote in her book. There are times I find myself rewriting history, well not really rewriting it, but forgetting pieces of it. I am healing, growing, and learning that I am more than what my trauma has told me. Reading Ms. Westover's words reminded me that there were years where I lived in a different state of mind though. "...that I was likely insane. If I was insane, everything could be made to make sense. If I was sane nothing could. This logic seemed damning. It was also a relief. I was not evil; I was clinical." I felt crazy for years in my marriage, I lived with that feeling of craziness at times, even though I knew in my heart I wasn't.
I don't diminish the fact that I was gaslighted, and I am not taking on responsibility for my ex-husband's actions by saying that I "chose" crazy. I didn't choose to feel crazy consciously. I felt crazy because what I felt in my gut and what I was being told by my ex and by my own investigation differed. I knew things to be one way in my heart, but my logical mind couldn't find proof. That led me to feel crazy.
Why the statement above resonated so much with me was because in a way I did choose to feel crazy, because I chose not to trust myself. I had promptings that B was deep in his addiction and was lying to me. I would investigate to try and "catch" him, but he was really good at covering his tracks. Then I would confront him and he would very convincingly lie to me. Therefore, I MUST be crazy because why else would I get "promptings" or "gut feelings" if they weren't true? Only they were true, and I trusted what my logic mind was telling me over what my spiritual center perceived. I trusted my what I saw more than I trusted my faith in God.
I am not comparing or correlating my own experience to that of the author's, only saying that her words struck a chord with me tonight. I know what it feels like to question your own sanity when in the mode of self-preservation. When the truth you are being required to face, is harder than living with the feeling of insanity.
My life is what I choose it to be, at least to some degree. I am handed situations that are out of my control, that is how life happens. I am not in control of what happens to me, I am in control of how I react to what happens to me. I don't always react the way I wish I did. I frequently don't react the way I wish I did, for that matter. I am however, in control of how I act and react. I have help dealing with my actions and reactions though. I take medication for depression and anxiety, I attend therapy, and I try and maintain a close relationship with God. My life is my own to chose, however, I was not meant to chose to walk alone. I cannot choose to live my life in isolation and be my happiest self. Sometimes people and situations enter my life and I am taxed and challenged in ways I am ill-equipped to handle. That is when I need to choose to trust myself and rely on the tools and people around me, including my faith in God. I didn't choose to do this for a long time, and once I did, it took me a long time to learn to trust myself again. That was truly one of the hardest things I have had to recover from, the absolute inability to trust myself. It was one of the things that most devastated our marriage, the fact that I was conditioned not to trust myself.
If you don't trust yourself, start trying. You are not alone in this battle. There are many others here to help. Trust yourself enough to reach out.
Learning to trust,
T.
