Opening the Emotional Vaults

We have definitely had an eye opening week here. Well, maybe eye opening isn't the right word, more like a vault opening week. We have opened our emotional vaults and let a little of the reserve go. It's been a painful and difficult process, but overall I think it has been at least somewhat enlightening for both of us. Honesty is such a double edged sword sometimes, it is so painful to hear but can lead to such a great reward…recovery.

***Warning: Some of this post might be a little bit TMI, read on at your own risk***

When B posted the other day that I had rejected him, he's right, I did. Twice in one day I told him that I didn't want to have sex, that I didn't feel safe enough emotionally to have sex. Not 'make love' you say? Nope. We haven't made love in a really long time, it's been sex between us for quite some time now. That is probably a whole post in itself, so I'll leave it for now. It's always been really hard for B when I have not accepted his sexual advances, but I think this is the first time I have ever been completely honest with him and told him that I didn't feel emotionally safe. I haven't felt safe for a long time, but I have always had the thought in the back of my mind, "If I don't have sex with him is he going to turn to porn?" I know anyone out there reading this who has any experience with sexual addiction KNOWS that this isn't true. Intellectually I know it's not true, but emotionally, that a whole different story. I am an intelligent woman, my brain knows that B turning to his addiction to cope is NOT about my willingness to have sex, my heart still has trouble accepting that after all these years.

That then led to me admitting to B that I have a great fear of him relapsing in the near future. The reason for this fear is that next week I am having surgery to fix my leaky bladder (see a lot of TMI in this post), and after surgery I will have complete pelvic rest for SIX WEEKS. Yes, I said SIX WEEKS. That means no sex for B or me for six weeks. Naturally, that dang fragile heart of mine wonders, 'how is he going to go six weeks without sex or porn?' He of course wanted to know if I would be willing to do "other things" to help him work off some of that frustration…I told him "I don't know", in all honesty, I doubt it. That is all about him, not about us and doesn't really help me heal at all. The really hard part for me? I shouldn't have to worry about this. At one point a couple of weeks ago, I even considered postponing my surgery until we were a little further in to recovery, but now is the best time for me to have it and I don't want to put off my health because of his addiction.

There have been a lot of tears shed between us this week. B gets hurt, upset and frustrated that I am not supportive of his recovery because I don't celebrate the progress he has made and have faith that he won't relapse. I get hurt, upset, frustrated and downright mad that he can't see how hard this is for me to celebrate because I still feel that my needs are not being met. A couple of weeks ago I gave him a list of things that I needed from him to feel safe in our relationship. He still feels like I'm punishing him with them and honestly doesn't even remember what most of them are, except the ones he feels he can't meet. I really tried to keep my cool and not raise my voice and yell like I tend to do and I did a pretty decent job at it for most of our discussion. This is a huge step for me. Eventually the discussion deteriorated to a mutual hurt fest and became highly unproductive and we both ended up feeling hurt and unloved. We still haven't resolved a lot of this and it's a huge road block right now, but it's something we need to take a step away from for the time being. I don't think we will reach any sort of agreement on this until we both work through some of our individual recovery.

I am meeting with a new counselor on Thursday, a woman who specializes in counseling individuals and couples working through the process of recovery from sexual addictions. I decided that I needed to see someone on my own. B goes back to see his counselor next week. They are both in the same office and I hope in the future we can have some sessions together, but right now I need to work through some of my recovery independently.

I really have hope that our family can heal and that we will come out the other side of this stronger than we have ever been. I told B the other day that I think it is going to get worse before it gets better and in all reality, that scares the crap out of me. I have made a commitment to work on our recovery for six months without making any kind of final decision and will reevaluate at that time. The actual date in my mind is a little less than six months from now, it's our twentieth wedding anniversary next March. My goal is that in that six months we will have made enough progress to be able to shut that emotional vault, knowing that at any time we can open it and share what is inside freely and without reservation. I hope that as the bankers of our emotional vaults that we can loan each other the emotional, spiritual and loving support that we need to become the dynamic couple that we both hoped we could be when we started this journey together. I am going to nurture that seed of hope for now, praying that it grows every day.

Hesitantly hopeful,

T.

Feeling Accepted

One of hardest struggles I have faced in my life is feeling accepted. I have always been somewhat socially awkward. Growing up I had very few friends. As I grew into my teens the few friends that I had began to tease me. I was also bullied by other kids at school. My sixth grade year was especially rough. I have carried this burden into adulthood. I still have very few friends. In fact I really don't have any friends other than the couple friends that have formed through my wife's friendships. I really don't have a lot in common with any of them. To make matters worse, I was fired from a job several years ago. To this day I still don't know exactly why I was fired. They told me they needed to lay someone off, but when I asked if I was being laid off, they told me I was being terminated. The reasons they gave were weak. I had been given a performance evaluation 3 months prior to this, and they told me I was doing a fantastic job. I had been given no indication since that time that there was anything wrong. This was a huge blow to my self confidence. I haven't felt completely safe in a work environment since that time.

I realized this weekend that throughout my life I have turned to my addiction to self medicate to try to alleviate the feelings of rejection. I look at porn and fantasize that some beautiful woman wants me, to help myself feel accepted. Of course that feeling only lasts as long as the fantasy. When it is over I feel even worse. I feel like I am some sex crazed creep. I think that if people knew the real me they would be disgusted. So again the wall goes up, making it very hard to make friends. It is a vicious cycle. I need to get out of this cycle. I don't really know how. My counselor tells me I need to find male friends to help support me for my recovery. That is very difficult when I have these walls.

Yesterday there were a couple times when I felt my wife was rejecting me. in both instances I realized that these feelings came from my own selfishness. I hate feeling hurt when I know I shouldn't.

I am discouraged. My wife an I had an argument last night. It seems we both are having a difficult time trying to figure out our individual recoveries. She has always been an enabler. She is trying to focus on her recovery, and tells me she has nothing to give me. I know that I can't blame her for any of my addiction, but I really would like her help. I love her, and want to make things work. We both seem to deal with our challenges by hurting each other. I'm hoping that as we continue to work, that things will get better. We are scheduled to start LifeStar at the end of October. I am looking forward to this. I really hope that it will help us learn who we are as individuals and as a couple.

B.

I'll Huff and I'll Puff...

Last night was a rough night. I had a melt down. Honestly, I'm not sure what exactly triggered it, or if it was just a combination of things, but melt down I did. I'm not going to throw blame or spill all the gory details, because frankly I don't want to relive them, I just want to learn and grow from them. What was at the heart of the entire episode was that I feel like I'm one of the Three Little Pigs, and that the Big Bad Wolf is standing outside.

I told B, in a very watery and sniffly display, that I feel like at any minute everything is going to come tumbling down around me. As you can imagine with B off work and us being like most Americans, our financial picture isn't the shiniest. I feel like B is making positive changes but not necessarily the ones I need him to make. At work things have been very hectic and stressful and are only looking to get more stressful. I am scheduled to have some minor surgery next month and I won't be able to get a lot done for a couple of weeks after that. I feel like all of this put together is a very shaky house made of straw and that The Big Bad Wolf (aka. Satan) is standing outside waiting and he is starting to huff and puff and at any minute it is all going to come crashing down. I didn't even realize until last night that I was feeling this way, but once I really looked at what was bothering me I saw it, as clear as day, I am waiting for the crash. 

Just like B, I am very overwhelmed. I feel like for every step forward we take that we take three steps back. He thinks things are going well, well he thought that until the nuclear fall-out last night. I kept thinking, how can he not see? I guess I'm not communicating well enough with him. I don't think we are doing well, I think we are treading water, at least I feel like I am treading water in our relationship. I feel like I am afraid to move forward for fear of getting my heart broken yet again. It's like I have so little faith in his recovery that I don't even want to hope for a better future. That in turn, it ends up hurting him. It hurts him that I can't simply trust that he is working at recovery and that things are getting better. I don't want to hurt him, but I am so afraid of not being protected that I can't seem to move past the hurt right now. 

I was rereading this post, where I talked about things I wish B knew, and what I said there remains unchanged. These three things particularly stuck out to me, so I am going to repeat them:

-Every time you make an excuse as to why you haven't done something that I need you to do by citing the positive things that you DID get done, it reminds me of the talk by Elder Oaks about Good, Better and Best activities. The things that you are accomplishing and doing are GOOD a lot of them are even BETTER than anything you have done in years. However, I need you to do the BEST things for our marriage. Right now, that means I need to you live within the boundaries I have requested in order to feel safe.

-I see the progress you are making and it really means a lot to me. I don't want to discount the work you are doing or the effort you are making. 

-I don't have a lot to give you emotionally right now. I need to work on myself and focus on repairing my broken spirit. I want to support your recovery but I just don't have much support to give.

I really do want you to succeed, and I really do want to have hope, but I'm really struggling with that right now. Be patient please. Please meet me at least half way, be willing to sacrifice what you want for what I need in order to build my trust in you. I can't make you change, but I am asking you, please make the changes you need to make in order for us to move forward. I will work on building my own faith as well.

Tonight, for now, we are safe. Our house is still standing and all the huffing and puffing hasn't blown it down yet.

With a sincere prayer in my heart,

T.

Overwhelmed

It has been a little while since I posted. I have been busy. I need to make time to blog more. It gives me a lot of strength to share my feelings. Lately I have felt very overwhelmed. I have been unemployed for a couple of months. I have been doing some contract work, trying to start a business, and now I have started a part time job. There are certain things I expect myself to accomplish, and certain things my wife expects me to accomplish. There are also things I want to do for fun. I am terrible at prioritizing. I spend a lot of time working on one thing and let everything else slide. I need to find a way to balance my life. I went to see my councilor yesterday. He wants me to work on my diet and exercise. He says this is one area that porn addicts neglect when they are in recovery. This is just one more thing I need to add to my to do list. I wish there were more hours in a day, or that I didn't need to sleep. I want things to get easier immediately. I need to be patient and learn to enjoy the ride. The destination will get here soon enough.

Step 3 and the Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

I had a post written that I was very happy with, then I accidentally pasted something over it and clicked out of it…poof…it was gone. I tried to recover it, but alas I am not that techno savvy, and it seemed much less a waste of my time to simply rewrite it. I hope I can remember what I wanted to say, sometimes once the words are out there that's all I have in me.

Anyone who has ever attended a 12 Step meeting of any kind knows the prayer above. Likely many who have not attended a 12 Step meeting know it as well. This prayer is part of Step 3, Trusting in God. This is a step that I struggle with but tonight a lot of it became much more clear.  

B and I attended a meeting tonight and brought a friend with us. We were talking about Step 3. As we were taking turns reading from the manual, this sentence really struck me, "At first our efforts were anxious and halting. We kept giving the Lord our trust and then taking it back." This is where I am, this constant struggle within myself to turn my life over to Him and to let him lead me the way I need to go. Some days it's really easy to say, "I'm your's, do with me what is best." Other days, not so much. Sometimes it's even a battle from one minute to the next. The way I see it, every minute that I let Him lead me is one more minute than I had done so before.

As I was listening to others read and share I was really surprised by another seed of knowledge that was planted tonight. I have focused for so many years on how B's addiction was destroying our  marriage and home and that is something that I CANNOT change. What? I can't change him? I can't FORCE him to change? Who says? Oh wait, I remember, it's something that I have been trying to change for years, and I haven't managed it yet, maybe it's time to turn that over to Him and trust that as B seeks his recovery that Heavenly Father will guide him. 

I need to focus on the things I CAN change. I CAN change my actions, I CAN change how I treat B, I CAN change my own behaviors and I CAN change the spirit in my home by turning my will over to Him to guide me where I should go. This doesn't mean that B gets a "free pass" and that I am willing to accept him acting out on his addiction, it just means that I am acknowledging that I am POWERLESS to change him. I can only trust that my Father in Heaven will guide me to know how to best help myself and my family. I CAN turn my will over to Him and let him help us heal our family.

In our faith we tend to only use a handful of rote prayers, our prayers are usually more freely spoken and not scripted. However, the prayer above is one I intend to pray every day to my Heavenly Father, to incorporate it into my daily prayers. Please, Father in Heaven help me to focus on the things I CAN change and move past the things that I CANNOT change. Help me to know the difference between the two.

Humbly,

T.

Love Grows

I find inside the words to say

The things I feel, the thoughts I pray

Why is it easier to think than say

Let me share my thoughts today 

The one idea that keeps coming back

The one that just might get us on track

It's as precious as anything sent from above

And that one thing is simply love

Love is the one gift given each day

That multiples as we give it away

If we focus on love and freely give

A bountiful life each day we'll live

T.

I wrote this simple verse last night, not because I think love will fix everything that is broken in our lives, but rather that nothing broken can be fixed without it. 

Codependent Some More

I wasn't going to blog yet, I was trying to give myself a break to filter and process my words, so that in the heat of the moment I don't say something I regret. I would be lying if I said I wasn't hurt, mad, upset, all of the above…but I didn't yell and scream tonight, I didn't even cry. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, it just is right now. I finally realized that until I get some of my thoughts out, I'm not going to be able to sleep, and since I have to be up in less than three hours for work, I need at least a little sleep.

I was talking to a friend the other day about being codependent. She is reading the book Codependent No More and was telling me a little bit about it. Hello! I've often thought I was codependent, and it is really being reinforced to me now that I probably am. I am a caregiver, a saver if you will, of the downtrodden. I need to be needed…up to a point…then I need to not be needed at all anymore because it overwhelms me. Ok that sounds a little circle-ish but it's like this, I need to feel needed by others, to feel valuable to others per se…but when they start to depend on me for almost everything, or at least more than I think they should, then I don't want them to need me at all anymore, it's too overwhelming.

I found this about codependency on Wikipedia: People who are codependent often take on the role of mother hen; they constantly put others' needs before their own and in doing so forget to take care of themselves. This creates a sense that they are "needed"; they cannot stand the thought of being alone with no one needing them. Codependent people are constantly in search of acceptance. When it comes to arguments, codependent people also tend to set themselves up as the "victim". When they do stand up for themselves, they feel guilty.

I often put others' needs before my own, when it's my children it's a given that their needs usually come first (note: needs, not wants), but I find myself doing this at work as well. I catch myself going, I'll just answer this one more instant message or email and help with this task then I'll go heat up my lunch. I need to be better at going, that question can wait for a few minutes until I get some food in my belly or use the bathroom or get some sunshine…whatever it might be that I need to do to better care for myself. Sometimes it can't be helped, others needs have to come first, but I want to become better at recognizing and prioritizing my own needs.

The second part of that statement that rang a bell with me is the last sentence, "When they do stand up for themselves, they feel guilty." This is how I feel more often than B, or even I, probably realizes. I feel guilty when I stand up for myself and cause anyone pain. It's very difficult for me. I am working on turning that guilt over to my Heavenly Father and lifting the load from my own shoulders. 

I kind-of sound like a mess when I put it all out there like that, I'm a possibly-codependent-food-and-caffeine-addicted-wife-of-a-porn-addict. How does that sound? It sounds like a heck of a label that I am unwilling to stick on myself. Let me start over, I'm a possibly-codependent-food-and-caffeine-addicted-wife-of-a-porn-addict Daughter of God. That's it. I am who I am and I was made in the image of my Father in Heaven. I am going to try and embrace that simple fact every single day!

Reflectively,

T.