Warning Label - Recovery Is Hard Work

When I read this the other day it intrigued me…partly because I knew immediately at that moment what my warning label would say…WORN OUT. That particular day I was just plain warn out physically and emotionally. This recovery stuff is hard work! It's exhausting physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. It is taking a lot out of me and it is taking pieces from every part of my life.

Today I have refined my warning label to read…BROKEN - PROCEED WITH CARE…UNDER CONSTRUCTION EXPECT HARD WORK AND SACRIFICE AHEAD. That's what my warning label would say today. It really hit me the last couple of days what hard work and sacrifice I am faced with if I truly want to recover from this trauma. 

I have been sacrificing a lot of my personal time and attention to focus on my recovery. What that means for me is that I haven't been reading much of anything except recovery information. I haven't had time to watch hardly any TV. I have even missed my book clubs for two months because I just haven't had the time or energy to read the book and carry on a conversation about it. My entire focus has been on recovery from Betrayal Trauma and Compulsive Overeating. I have been so focused that my brain is becoming saturated with facts and figures, determination to succeed, thoughts about what I want to write about, bottom lines, boundaries and ways to support my fellow WoPAs. I have become a bit obsessed with recovery…it's time to take a step back a little.

I am going to book club (both of them) this month. I am attempting to read the books (although I'm not really sure I can stomach 'The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands' which is the book in one of my book clubs). I am going to dinner with a friend that is not a WoPA and talking about stuff unrelated to recovery. I am going to enjoy watching The Cosby Show with my family and Signed, Sealed, Delivered with myself. I am going to learn how to harness my anxiety a little better with meditation and breathing exercises. I'm going to work on my home and some projects I want to do there. I am still going to work on recovery very diligently, but I am going to try and not let it consume me. 

I would love some suggestions about how to balance my life and my recovery work. I would love to know what any of you out there do to manage the load. 

Breathing more and reacting less is my commitment this week, so that means I'm going to breathe in the good shit and breathe out the bullshit. Pardon my poor language but I read that and decided it fit what I want to do. 

Breathing more,

T.

P.S. I have to add an addendum to this post because I have been lead by the hand tonight. Earlier I was talking with my Relief Society President about how we all carry burdens and that we should treat each other accordingly. Then when I wen to read one of my favorite blogs , I read this about signs and linked to this post about signs as well. What would happen if we each wore a sign? What if the scars on the inside were visible on the outside? How would we treat each other? What would we do differently?

It Takes A Village

We've probably all heard the phrase "It takes a village to raise a child". I have been reflecting on this a lot lately. I have realized that it not only takes a village to raise a child, but that we all need our own village to raise us up in our trials.

I had the opportunity to go to the wedding of a close family friend last night. At the wedding I was reunited with friends from long ago and it was so amazing. As I was surrounded by these wonderful people that I have always called my aunts, uncles and cousins (despite not being related by blood), I could still feel the love that has radiated from them for my entire life. My "cousins" and I were reminiscing about our childhood and how amazing it was. We were so blessed. We were safe. We were loved. We had a "village" to raise us that created an automatic family to love us.

I have realized that even though I have felt alone for so long, I still have a village. In fact, I am part of some amazing villages. I'm not native, but they have integrated me as if I was. I want to share with you a little about a couple of these villages.

B. and I have lived in our home for about three and a half years. We we were looking to buy our home, we both saw this one and knew it was where we were supposed to be. This has been reinforced to me over and over. Part of the reason for this is that the ward we move into is just exactly what we have needed. 

I will never forget the first week we went to church here, in Relief Society we were still doing the Good News Minute. Our amazing Relief Society President shared that her good news that day was that I was there. She noticed me. She loved me. She wanted me to know. What a powerful thing that was for someone that was used to hiding in the corner because she didn't feel worthy of being noticed. This wonderful woman's husband is now our Bishop, and while he hasn't always known what we needed, he has always been supportive of helping us find it. I have had faithful visiting teachers the entire time we have lived here. The day we were unloading our UHaul in our driveway, one of the ward members was running by and stopped to chat. He quickly gathered up any able bodies he could find and our truck was unloaded in about twenty minutes. This would have been no different if we had been non-members, he didn't even ask us that until we were done unloading. I have so many more examples of the love that has been shown to us. This is our village and I am so thankful to be a part of it.

The other village I would like to tell you about is an amazing group of women I have found online. The Togetherness Project and the Togetherness Community have literally been my lifeline lately. They are a village of women like me (WoPAs - Wives of Porn Addicts), who are all at different stages of life, have different marital statuses, different religions and husbands/ex-husbands in various phases of recovery (from denial to in recovery). None of that matters, we are just there to be each others support. This village has held me up more days than I can count lately.

These amazing women give freely of their support and their love. They have organized conferences. They have all sorts of information available to help us not only recover, but to reach out and share information with others. They are my village right now. They are helping hold me up at this time of my life. I am constantly amazed by their strength. 

If you are in need of a village to support you, reach out to me at awifeprogressing{at}gmail{dot}com. I would be happy to share information with you.

Feeling supported,

T.

p.s. If you are not familiar with our beliefs or any of the terms we use, please reach out as well. I am happy to share with you. You can also find a lot of great information here.

Seeing Me

I realized this morning, after an excruciating night of pain and fighting, that B hasn't seen the real me in years, I haven't let him. It's scary for me to let him see the me that I've been hiding, because some days she's not very happy. I realized I have been protecting B in some ways for years from the consequences of his addiction. I haven't let him see the pain and anger that his acting out has caused because I was always afraid that it would just give him one more reason to turn to porn. I let some of it out yesterday and he didn't like it at all. He found a way to make it all about him, even though I was trying to be honest with him. It hurts, it really really hurts and B thinks I'm overreacting. I don't come here to air our dirty laundry, but I need someplace that I can be me and it's ok to feel whatever I'm feeling.

It started with a question from me about who he wanted to be his accountability partner for Covenant Eyes, because it can't be me right now. He doesn't feel he needs one unless it's me. His words were, "I don't need an acceptability partner because there is no shame in confessing if I slip. I have faith that I'm not going to slip and if I do there is no shame in confessing it." Those may not be his exact words, but they were along that line. He's in the recovery honeymoon, I get it, I've been there too. Someday maybe he will forgive me for not having the same amount of faith in him, because I don't. I do love him, and I really want to hope that we are past the acting out and lying, but I'm not there yet. 

I'll explain why I want him to have an accountability partner and why it can't be me. I want him to have someone that he can talk to on a regular basis about any slips or temptations. I want him to have someone he can reach out to if he needs to. Right now I can't be that person. It hurts too much when he slips and I honestly don't want to hear about all his temptations right now. I want to know that when/if he has a slip HE takes accountability to tell me about it. I need that honesty and open communication. Right now I need there to be no more dishonesty or lying. I feel like if I was getting an accountability report for him that he would let that be his disclosure to me instead of taking the accountability to come tell me. 

I think I understand why he wants me to get the report. He feels that if I was getting the report it would be that much more of a deterrent to acting out. He feels that it would help protect him from acting out. I get that, but I can't be the police anymore. I can't be used to police his activity anymore. I've done that for years. Played Sherlock Holmes to uncover any suspicious activity, questioned him like a suspect and tried to get him to break down. I can't do it anymore. I just can't. I don't want the fear of getting caught acting out to be what motivates him. I need to know that our family and our marriage are worth not acting out for. I need to know that the joy he finds in recovery and in truly connecting with me and our children are worth not acting out for.

It seems like a little minor issue to him, and maybe it is, to him. But it isn't to me. It's a big issue. I need him to have a support person other than me. He keeps saying he is going to find one but he hasn't yet. If he doesn't want someone to get his accountability report, then so be it, I won't ever force that on him, it's his choice. He doesn't see it as a choice, his exact words were, "It's not really a choice because if I don't find someone to get my report then there is a consequence." Yep there is. There is always a consequence and we have to deal with them. 

I let the "discussion" get out of hand and it deteriorated over the afternoon. I should have walked away much sooner than I did. I was accused of being unsupportive, unforgiving, manipulative, making it so that he couldn't concentrate on his work and letting one little thing ruin our happiness. It hurt, it really really hurt. I tried to let it go. I tried to say, it's his "addict brain" talking and not the man I was starting to see. But, the thing that hurts the most is that he doesn't think it should hurt. He doesn't think that I have the right to be hurt and angry some days. Somehow, after 17 years of lying and acting out, of him turning to porn instead of to me, I'm supposed to just embrace the new him. The man who IS working recovery, the man who has made HUGE steps in honesty and openness. I DO see these changes, changes that have NEVER happened before. I do embrace this man, hesitantly because I'm afraid of him disappearing. It will hurt so much more because I have seen the changes in him, I LOVE the changes in him. I am not ready to embrace those changes wholeheartedly yet because it will hurt so much if those changes aren't truly permanent.

We both have so far to go in our individual recovery and the recovery of our marriage. He feels that I am sabotaging our recovery as a couple with my anger and lack of faith. I feel that I have made huge strides in our recovery as a couple but that I have work to do on myself that will greatly help us as a couple. I love my husband, probably more so now than I have in years. I want to make my marriage work. I want to be happy in my relationship again. I honestly do. But I need to feel safe again. I need to feel like it's ok to be me and to have bad days and that he will still love me and not turn to porn. I need time, I may need lots and lots of time. 

Hurting still,

T.

Waiting-For-the-Other-Shoe-to-Drop-Feeling-of-Impending-Doom

It's after 2 AM and I'm not sleeping. It's not that I can't sleep, I'm pretty sure I could sleep without problem if I let myself. Why don't you let yourself then you ask? Well, the easy answer would be because I don't want to…but that's not true, I DO want to, desperately. I have let myself steep in my anxiety and fear for so long tonight that I have to process it and let it go, therefore I blog.

I think I am anxious and nervous because tomorrow starts the return to my "regular life". I go back to my calling tomorrow. I have to teach a lesson I haven't even looked at and let me tell you that my class will know. It's not that I haven't had the time, it's that I have been so focused on recovery and my family the last two weeks that I haven't even thought about it until tonight. 

I also return to work this week which for the first time in a long time I'm really honestly dreading. Not because I don't like my job, I do like it and I have fabulous coworkers. I have just had such and amazing "vacation" while recovering physically that it will be hard to give that up. I have had time for me. Time to do what I wanted to do and what I needed to do without worrying about fitting it in around life. I know it's crazy to call recovery from surgery a vacation, but to me any time off work is really a vacation. 

I am going to have to reassess my priorities and figure out what I need to sacrifice for my recovery, because my recovery is not optional. It is mandatory. The healing and growth that I have found in the last two weeks has been nothing short of miraculous to me. My heart is finally finding hope and I don't want to lose any of that. I know there will still be days where the hope is just not there, but I want to do everything I can to hold on to as much of it as is possible.

There are also two huge recovery milestones approaching this week and I am far more anxious about them that I realized. Number one is disclosure to our kids. This is happening tomorrow. I know this is the right thing and that it needs to happen now, that has been confirmed to me over and over, that doesn't mean it doesn't terrify me. The second is that we are starting LifeStar on Tuesday. I am excited for this step in our journey and the healing and recovery we are both hoping to achieve there. At the same time I just feel like everything is going to get worse before it gets better. After knowing a couple of weeks of 'better than it's been in years', it's going to be that much farther to fall. It's that waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop-feeling-of-impending-doom that is choking me right now. 

Just writing this all down and putting this out there has already significantly decreased my anxiety level.  I think that after a few min and some deep breathing I will be able to get out of my head and let myself sleep. Good night.

Finding my way out of my head,

T.

Unsettled

I actually hadn't planned on blogging tonight, but I need to and yet here I sit unsure of where to start or what to say. I'm anxious, I'm nauseated, I'm sad, I'm hurt I'm upset angry and yet I'm unable to articulate what I want to say about all those emotions. I guess why I am struggling so much, is because I've been waiting a couple of days to see if B would blog about this last weekend or not. I have blogged so much about how healing this weekend was for me, but is was not so much that for B.

I'm not here to tattle on or rat out my husband, but I need a chance to process what I'm feeling and I can't wait anymore for him to disclose here. He disclosed to me and that is enough. I think I have been holding back some of my feelings about his slip/relapse this weekend in the hopes that he would come forward and I wouldn't have to put it out there first. B had a slip/relapse of epic proportions…well it felt epic in my book. 

Part of my initial hesitation to go see my family this last weekend was the fear that he would turn to porn while I was gone. I quickly dismissed that thought, because I decided he was going to do what he was going to do and I couldn't let it influence my decision. I still stand by that, and the most miraculous part of my healing is the fact that Heavenly Father just took that worry away from me. It honestly wasn't even on my radar while I was gone. I gave that one to God and it was so freeing. I also felt like if he did turn to porn I had no control over that and was not going to own it at all. I didn't. I don't.

I was sitting in church on Sunday when I inadvertently opened my email on my phone. Immediately an email from B grabbed my attention because he never emails me. As I'm sure you have already guessed it was his disclosure. I cried through pretty much all of Sacrament Meeting. I read his disclosure in it's entirety at the beginning of the meeting…which happened to be the Primary program. To hear the beautiful little spirits sing with all their hearts about their eternal families made my pain that much more acute. It touched me so much but at the same time was so hard to hear. I feel so robbed of so many good years I could have spent with my eternal family, so many years that we could have been so much happier as a family. This is where the hurt hit me hard, Sunday at Sacrament meeting…

Tonight the anger kicked in. It wasn't just about the acting out that happened this weekend it was about the fact that B feels I am not being a support to him in his recovery. I'm not noticing the positive things he is doing. I'll be honest, until I feel safe again, I'm probably not going to be much support to him.

I'm trying to quiet my brain enough to focus on what I want to say and I'm having a very difficult time of it tonight. I feel like this post is going to be disjointed at best, but I'm getting it out there in the best way I can tonight.

I guess the anger really kicked in tonight during our first check-in, not our first check-in tonight, but our first one ever. I have a boundary about needing him to actively work on recovery every single day. It doesn't have to be workbook work or blogging, but something that is actively working recovery every day. I haven't seen him do this for a while and I let him know I wasn't ok with that and distanced myself from him emotionally. He said there were days that he worked recovery before I got up or when I wasn't around. I told him that it doesn't really help me feel safe if I don't know what he is working on or see him working. Thus, we mutually decided to have a check-in every night before bed to talk about that, any slips, lust hits etc. and that I would let him know where I am emotionally. Tonight we were both tired, but tried to give it a go.

He told me that he didn't do too much on recovery but that he did go to the grocery store with me and help put groceries away and folded laundry. When pushed that is the only work he did today that he counted  as recovery work. I wanted to yell "BIG FREAKING DEAL!" but instead I tried to use my words calmly, because I do appreciate the help, admittedly I pretty much failed. I wasn't calm and it came out. He could sense my frustration and pulled away from me closing himself off. We were able to regroup a little bit but I think be both still came away frustrated, at least I know I did. I don't think helping me run our household counts as recovery work. That counts as being an active part of the family. It counts as mandatory in my book. I especially got frustrated that he felt he was doing me a favor when I had surgery a freaking week and a half ago. SURGERY! Remember? I hurt tonight. I overdid today. I shouldn't have the bulk of the responsibility for the household when I am trying to physically recover. I should be being taken care of.

I think the anger really reared it's ugly head when I got frustrated because most of the housework I did today he could have done during his porn binge while I was gone this weekend. I walked in the door at 1 am on Monday morning to the same mess I left (yes I know I share some responsibility for the mess, I'm not trying to excuse that away). I realized right at that very moment that a messy house is a GIGANTIC trigger for me emotionally. The chaos of a messy house is a visible reminder of the chaos in my marriage. It is proof that my life is a mess. 

B feels that no matter what he would've gotten done it wouldn't had been enough, I would've still expected more. I told him that he's right, we both always have more we can give to our marriage. But that doesn't mean that either of us should quit trying. It doesn't mean that we shouldn't work on recovery or healing. I wish I could better explain it. I do appreciate the recovery work he is doing, and maybe it deserves to be acknowledged more that I do…but in all honesty years of dishonesty, pain and acting out aren't going to be erased or fixed by a few weeks of recovery work. I'm sorry, but they just aren't. I don't feel safe enough yet, and when my need for safety isn't met, I just can't reach out to be your cheerleader. I don't have it in me right now. 

I do love you B and I'm am actively fighting for our family.

Feeling a little bit better,

T.

My Parent's Love

This past weekend was healing and painful all at the same time. As I mentioned in my last post I was able to reach out to my parents via a letter to let them know I was struggling. Their response was to let me bring it up if I wanted to. We aren't the best family at communicating and I wish I would've gotten some sort of acknowledgement from them verbally, but they did show me with hugs and time spent with me that they were there for me.

On Saturday night when it was just my parents, my sister and I together, I asked my dad to give me a blessing. For some this would just be an accepted thing that a dad would do, but that's not how my family has ever worked. I can only remember one other time of my dad giving me a blessing and it took every ounce of courage for me to ask for it at that time. It just wasn't something that happened a lot at my house. Anyway, he immediately got up from his chair and asked if there was anything in particular I needed a blessing for and gave me a father's blessing. It was so powerful in it's simplicity. I immediately had so much peace and knew that no matter what my parents were there for me. I am crying now just thinking of how much this huge step in my relationship with my parents has meant.

I still have a long ways to go in fully opening myself up to my parents and to letting them see my struggles, but I know that no matter how long it takes there is no time limit with them. 

I had really planned to blog some more about the events of the weekend, but right now, this is all I need. I just needed to remember the love and support my parents have for me and the healing that I was able to do these last 4 days.

A Road Trip, Me Time and Catharsis

I'm just going to warn you up front that this is most likely going to be a lengthy post and may not be digestible in one sitting. It promises to reveal a lot about my recovery to me though, so I am writing exactly what I need to, no matter how long it ends up being. I don't normally include personal pictures here, but this was what my workspace looked like this morning.

Yesterday one of my coworkers came to visit me and brought me some fun things for my surgical recovery. It was a great visit and she threw out, "Hey, I am going to visit my husband on his travel assignment and I know your sister is nearby, we have room why don't you come?" I initially dismissed it as an impossibility, but quickly rethought as I have been missing my sister and parents a lot lately and it would be great to see them. My kids already had plans to go spend a couple nights with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law and I knew it would probably not be a problem for them to stay all weekend, so that wasn't a concern. B has to work today and tomorrow so I was going to be home alone anyway those two days. I am off work and really had nothing planned, so I decided as long as B didn't have any major reason why I shouldn't go, that I would jump at the chance. Today finds me all alone in my parents house (as they are out of town) and wow has it been a day. Like I said, my parents are out of town (just until tomorrow), my niece and nephew are in school and my sister and brother-in-law are working today. It turns out that time for me, all by myself with nothing at all scheduled or planned was exactly what I needed.

I was walking across the kitchen headed to get in the shower when mid-stride it was like I hit an emotional force field. I don't even know how to describe it. From one step to the next it was like a dam had broken open and all these sobs just started wracking my body. I mean literally out of nowhere. This has NEVER happened to me before. Ever. I immediately knew that a lot of my numbness was gone and I was feeling again, feeling things that I hadn't allowed myself to feel in years. I KNEW, as surely as I knew I needed to take my next breath, what I HAD to do. I needed to sit down right then and record my thoughts and feelings in order to process what was happening. What came out was a five page handwritten letter to my parents. It did not detail what our particular struggles are right now, but explained a little of what is going on. It was my opening to them to let them in and ask for their support. It actually shocked me. I had no intention of telling them, I haven't for a long time. It was such a surreal experience. I had to take a few breaks during writing because I was literally sobbing so hard that I couldn't see. I'm not sure I have ever cried that hard, not associated with my recovery, of that I'm certain. I have read accounts where other wives have talked about curling up on the floor sobbing, but I have never actually felt that way until today. That's what I wanted to do, curl up on the floor and sob. 

It was an incredibly powerful experience for me and I don't want to forget what that letter says, so I am going to type it out here. Know that I am doing this for me and for B, so he can know what I shared with them. Feel free to continue reading if you would like to, if I had wanted to keep it private I wouldn't have shared it here. It may help someone else who is looking to build a bridge towards someone important to them. I have not rewritten or edited this letter at all, I am retyping it exactly as it came out as the time (other than where it was necessary to use only initials for privacy sake). 

Dar Mama & Daddy,

Thank you for letting me stay here, even though you didn't know I was coming. I guess I should say, thank you for always making me feel like I can call your home mine, even with I don't live here.

I know you always worry about me & that over the years I have given you plenty of reason to worry. I want you to know that you have taught me well, and that no matter what else happens, with you as my parents I will always be ok. I love you more than words can say.

I know you are probably worried about me traveling a week after surgery. I'm sure you are concerned for both my healing & my finances. Please put your minds to rest knowing that it's ok. I feel great. At this point fatigue is my only real issue. As for financially, there is very little expense to me. My friend was already coming, had room for one more & asked me to come with her. It was a good arrangement for both of us and just fell into place.

I needed to be here. I needed a few days to myself to not worry about my family or anyone else's schedule and this was the perfect solution. My kids already had plans to spend the weekend in C with M & S. B has to work Thursday & Friday. You guys won't be home until tomorrow night. M has to work the next 2 days. It was the perfect opportunity for me to spend some time alone with my thoughts & do some soul searching. 

I haven't wanted to/been ready to share some stuff with you, but I feel I need to now. I'm sure it's no mystery to you that mine is not a great marriage. I'm sure that is obvious every time we see you. Part of the reason I haven't wanted to tell you how bad it really is, is because you love me so much and want only the very best for me. I know you don't think B is the very best for me. I didn't want to give you one more reason to think that. My problems in my marriage didn't need that added pressure. That's on me to own & not you. I would've put the added pressure on and not you. Please know that I probably still won't share the details with you, but that I want to let you in so that you can be in my corner & know what is going on.

I was ready to leave B this spring. I was ready to file for divorce and end my 19 year marriage. But, I knew that I hadn't given every ounce of fight I had to give to save it. Neither one of us can bear all the blame for the problems in our marriage, and I knew that until I worked to fix me, I couldn't say that I had given all I have to give. I started seeing a counselor & then we went together. We are now both seeing individual counselors & attending group support meetings. We are both putting more effort into being our best selves & to mending our broken relationship. 

I am still struggling with a lot of things that I have shoved down for many years. It's hard and painful self-reflection…but I have faith that I will be a more whole person on the other side.  Thank you for having a safe place for me to come to be by myself for a couple of days to work on this. I have really needed it.

I am not writing this to you so that you have more cause to worry about me. Rather, I am writing it so that you will know that for the first time in years, I'm really trying to be the best me that I can be. I am working on my faith, building my testimony & healing what is broken inside me.

I love you both so much. I am so thankful that you were chosen to be my eternal parents. I want you to know the real me, the one that I have been hiding from almost everyone for a really long time. I'm not always a ray of sunshine to be around, frequently actually, I'm not (as if that surprises you). But, I want to be able to share those less than perfect parts of me with my parents who love me. I have missed you more than I have realized. We talk almost everyday, but rarely get below the surface. I know that's my fault, and I am working to change that. Thanks for loving me not matter what. Whatever I am going through, that is one thing I will always know is true. 

I hope you know that I love you both no matter what as well. I am so blessed to have both my parents still, & to be able to reach out to you. You have blessed me to have the Gospel in my life, and for that alone I am more grateful that words can express. But, you have also blessed both mine & my family's lives with physical abundance as well. Thank you for all you do for us. 

I love you both very much!

love,

T.