Trusting Touch Again

One of the hardest things for me about Betrayal Trauma, is that touch became unsafe. Anytime B. touched me I felt he had ulterior motives. I always wondered what he "expected" from the touch. Was I going to get used again? It didn't matter what his intentions were, because he had touched me in unsafe ways, all touch started to feel unsafe. I hated it, because I am a very physically affectionate person, although because I felt I couldn't trust B's touch, I didn't want to touch our be touched. It hurt. I have found that I have learned how to trust touch in vulnerable situations again though.

If you are just learning to trust again, this may seem unfathomable to you. It certainly felt unfathomable to me for a while. I was introduced to a massage therapist we will call C. Well, I actually won a massage from her about fourish years ago. I was terrified the first time I went. It was scary to get naked on a table and let anyone touch me. I wanted to have a healing person touch me, but I was scared. C. was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G at putting me at ease. It took me a long time to be able to completely relax and let go though. She was patient with me and her character and energy are innately soothing, so I gradually started to trust that she could help me relax by using therapeutic touch. I started to trust someone to touch me for my benefit. 

She has been using a modality called Myofascial Release Therapy on me for over a year now. It's a gentle touch that stretches and lengthens the fibers that cover all of our muscles and bind them together in a continuous sheet. Our entire body is covered in fascia, and by releasing the fascia the muscles relax. It is far more therapeutic for me than an actual massage. For more information about Myofascial Release Therapy click here. 

I'll admit to being a skeptic at first, how could such a gentle touch relax my muscles which are often in knots. I will very willingly admit, I was wrong. This gentle touch has done more to help me relax and heal both physically and emotionally than any other form of touch has. 

It wasn't until my treatment a month ago though, that I realized what an amazing gift C. had given me. I had learned to trust touch again. I had learned to allow another to touch me when I am most vulnerable in a safe and healing manner. It was seriously one of those lightning bolt moments. I realized as I was getting dressed that I trust C. completely, and in turn have learned to trust other touch. I implicitly trust that she has my healing as her focus when she is working on me. I have learned that touch CAN be healing. My body and my heart realized this a long time before my mind did. I thought back and realized that I let my guard down with her a long time ago. I trust her to intuitively know what my body needs and provide it (and she never fails to do so).

To lay there naked, in that vulnerable state, and know that I'm being protected (she keeps me modest and comfortable), and be able to completely relax, is remarkable. It is literally the only time all month that my brain "turns off" and finds peace. It is someplace I can be physically and emotionally vulnerable that I never feel judged, and I know I will never be taken advantage of. In fact, C. has gone above and beyond in making sure I get treated and that I am healing. 

I know that Heavenly Father has given me the gift that is C., so that I can learn to trust that touch is safe again. I know that she is an angel here on earth. My respect and admiration of her is deep. She has truly been a gift in my life that I feel I can never repay, but that because of who she is I will never feel I need to. Thank you C., for teaching me to trust that touch can be healing and safe again.

Sincerely,

T.

An Update

I realized that I haven't journaled here since February, and that I have three posts started that I never finished, so I will give you an update.

I haven't gone back to review anything I have previously posted, so I am sorry if this is a bit of a surprise.

First thing, B. and I are divorced. We made the decision, filed, and was finalized in about five or six weeks. It was surreal how fast it moved. It was a relief in a lot of ways too though. It was a weight lifted to know that there was an answer, and the answer was that I had given all I could and that it was ok to be done. It was a relief to know that I am no longer on constant guard in my own home. That I have the space to heal and grow as I need to, without so many triggers and emotions on a daily basis. It was hard. We were married for twenty-two years in March. We have two amazing children that are affected by this. There were financial repercussions. I took all those things into account when I told B. that I wanted a divorce. I still have complete peace knowing it was the right thing for all of us at this point. Not the easy thing, but the right thing.

Many may thing that divorce is the easy answer, and in some ways maybe it is...but it wasn't an easy answer for me. It was difficult and drawn out (it took me nearly three years of working recovery to get to that point).

I have also seen some incredible growth as a result of the divorce. I have become much more independent. I have tackled home improvement projects I never would have before. I rarely worry about what others think of me, and when I do I can generally surrender them pretty easily. I have so much less anger in my heart. I have learned wholeheartedly how loved I am by my Heavenly Father. I am proud of the woman I am becoming. It's not all easy street, in fact none of it is. I have several days that I just want to crawl in bed and hide from everything, but overall, I am happy. I am learning. I am growing. I am loved.

Learning and growing,

T.

Two Very Dangerous Words

IF ONLY

This are two of the most dangerous words in the english language. They are also two words that are common in my vocabulary. I had gotten to the point where they were very infrequent visitors to my thoughts, but lately they have crept back in again. I found myself thinking, "If only B would do what he tells me he is going to, I could keep up better." "If only I had some extra money to buy some new furniture, my home would feel more peaceful." "If only I had something to watch on tv, I would be motivated to fold laundry."

Why are these statements so dangerous? What is wrong with thinking of things that you wish would happen? If only, robs me of the peace and joy I could have right in this moment, because it takes the responsibility for my happiness away from me and puts it on something or someone outside of me. Happiness is not to be found from things or people. There is only one source for happiness, God. I need to surrender my fears, shame, lack of motivation, anxiety, and control to Heavenly Father. I need to put my trust in Him. He knows what I need. He knows that I am imperfect and flawed, yet He still loves me. 

I am loved, and the only way to fight through life and find happiness is by surrendering to God's love.