God and my Girlfriends

I recently heard a song by Reba McEntire called God and my Girlfriends. In it she talks about how the two constants in her life have been God and her friends, and how she relies on them. It really spoke to me, because I don't know what I would do without God or my girlfriends. I have the most amazing support system around, and I would not make it through this journey called life without them. If you are struggling now, reach out, find your tribe. I know it can feel like you are all alone, but that is never true. God is ALWAYS there. It may feel very much like He is not, but He is. In our darkest and hardest moments He is there. HE is there to help us celebrate and to help us mourn.
He is the center of my life, and without Him, I would be lost. He has also brought the most amazing women into my life. I am able to be loved and give love to the circle of people that surround me. I am blessed beyond words. I pray everyday, that others can be as blessed as I have been. Take a minute to thank God for all your blessings, including the people He has surrounded you with. I know I will.

The Road Less Traveled

The Road Not Taken

by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

This poem has been in my mind the last couple of weeks, particularly the last verse. I feel like Heavenly Father has led me to where two roads have diverged, and that I have chosen the one less traveled by. The divergence He has led me to, is two different paths to a graduate degree. In the back of my mind for months now has been the thought that I have graduate school options, and I have fought those thoughts a lot. I honestly had no desire to go back to school. None. Now, it's all I can think about, and I am excited.

It always amazes me that I can feel inspiration from Him so clearly, when just a few years ago, I had done my best to cut myself off from God. That is a story for another time, or you can read it on my Instagram post form earlier this week (@leavingnothingunsaid on Instagram). Like I said, I've had thoughts about graduate school in the back of my head for a few months, but in the last two weeks, He has brought them front and center. He has shown me that I need to take a new road, one I have not traveled before. I have had two major choices in fields of study in my mind, and logically, one makes a lot more sense than the other. It is directly related to my undergraduate degree, it probably has a higher earning potential, and it has a high demand. The other degree, is not directly related to my undergrad degree, but I can move right to it, it is definitely the road less traveled for me, it makes the least logical sense of the two choices, and yet I feel called to take it. I always knew what I was meant to do growing up, from the time I was little. I never wavered. I have followed that path for 21 years, this would be a completely different career. It is, however, a career that I am deeply passionate about and feel called.

I give all the credit where it is due, my Father in Heaven. He has guided my life. He has lead me through the worst trial of my life. He will continue to bring me through. As I have taken steps down that road less traveled, it has felt peaceful and right. It's not going to be easy, but it is what I am meant to do.

Travelling,

T.

*poem from poetryfoundation.org

One is the Loneliest Number

Heavenly Father has truly blessed me to have amazing people in my life, I have felt His love so deeply through the people He has placed in my life. In the last few months though, hard and amazing events have happened in the lives of a lot of my support people that have pulled them away. I don't blame any of them, everyone has to know their limits, and everyone deserves to focus on their own needs, hopes and dreams. My sister has had a lot going on, working full time, building a house, going to school, so she hasn't had a lot to give me. One of my closest friends has gone back to school, and another one has had to put her mom in assisted living and has bought a house. My LifeStar group ended abruptly and with a fair amount of emotion. My parents just moved into a new home, so they have been busy. My sister and parents already live a few hundred miles away, so that limits in person support any way. The relationship with my "sisters" that I had through marriage has changed with the divorce (which is to be expected). All these things have happened in the last few months.

I still have some amazing support in my life. I have some amazing friends that I reach out to daily, and they allow me to be there for them. I have a therapist that knows me so well and is helping me navigate all this. I have a group of friends that I am able to video chat with.  I have friends at church. I'm not without support, but I AM lonely.

I miss having someone that I could talk to at the end of the day. Someone to share the joy and burden of parenting with.  I miss having someone to sit on the couch with and watch tv. I miss having someone to hold me on a hard day and just let me cry. These things were largely missing the last few years of my marriage, but there was still the hope of having them when B and I were married.

Maybe my loneliness is partly grief for what I dreamed and hoped to have in my marriage and never did on a consistent basis, and didn't really have at all the last few years. Maybe I am grieving the loss of a partner. That feels true. Sometimes I need to start typing or writing in order to get the feelings out. I am grieving the loss of the marriage I always wanted I think. I don't think I am grieving that loss of my actual marriage, I am grieving the loss of the marriage I always wanted. I never gave up hope that we could have that marriage. Clear up until a few weeks before our divorce, I still has some hope that we could rebuild and have an even stronger marriage than we had ever had. Hope is so hard at times.

I don't have unrealistic expectations of marriage. I know that every marriage has challenges and that it is by working through those challenges that growth happens and strength is gained. I want to put in the work to build a relationship of trust and understanding. I want a partnership.

I keep getting the message that I'm not ready to date and/or have a relationship. It's coming from all over, including from myself. I know I have growing to do. I know that I have trust issues and body shame. I know I lack confidence and love for myself. I know that I'm probably not ready for a relationship. That doesn't diminish the need I have for connection. It doesn't ease the loneliness, or decrease the desire to have a partner. I know that I need to learn to surrender these feelings to my Heavenly Father. I know that Christ has already carried this burden for me. I have true faith in the power of The Atonement. Right now I am having difficulty accessing it. The loneliness is so bone deep right now that I literally feel like I have a hollow place in side my chest.

I also know that every single day I see Heavenly Father's tender mercies in my life. I see His love for me in both little and big ways. I feel his care and concern for me. Because I feel and know these things, I know that I will be able to get through this. I am not hopeless, just weary. I know that what is happening right now, this bone deep loneliness, won't stay forever. I know that I will be able to access Christ's loving atonement for me again. I know that this is just a temporary stopping point on my journey. I will get through this. I will find joy and connection again.

I can't predict the future, or see when or if I will have another relationship or marriage. I know that Heavenly Father's hand is in my life. I have faith that I will continue to be blessed by him. Just writing this has helped lift some of the loneliness and allowed some hope to sneak in.

Less lonely,

T.