Daring Greatly...A Textbook for Life

Sometimes I feel like I'm back in school. I have homework and reading. I have notebooks, art projects, highlighters, pencils and discussions. There have been times in my recovery that this has all felt like too much for me. Too much time and energy spent on recovery. Too much knowledge and new patterns that I'm trying to fit in my head, heart and life. There have been times when I have had to take a break. I'm just coming off one of those "breaks" and getting my recovery back on track.

I have thought and prayed long and hard about whether a break is necessary or even good for me in recovery. I have come to the conclusion that it depends. It depends on what I'm taking  break from. Some of my recovery behaviors have to be innate and included everyday, otherwise I slip back into old patterns and behaviors. I can however take a break from reading, eating, breathing, and sleeping nothing but recovery.

I'm not advocating that this works for everyone, but it works for me. There are times that I have to let what I have learned settle in and become incorporated in my life. I have to figure out what my "new norm" looks like. What works for me and what doesn't. Then I can start to learn and grow more. That's not right, or not how I see it. I am always learning and growing, it's just sometimes I voraciously want more knowledge and sometimes I have to let the new knowledge I have gained help me to grow. I'm not sure that even makes sense, but it's how I see things in my own life.

This last break was a little too long and I let too many of my everyday recovery behaviors slip. I fell back into some of my own habits of enabling and letting my anger control me. No where near the degree as before, but not where I want to be either. I am glad to be back on track and getting those behaviors back in my daily life.

This month for my book club we are reading a book I suggested and have wanted to read for a good while, Daring Greatly by Brene Brown.  Since I am leading the discussion, I need to make sure I get it read. I sat down today and started it. I'm in love! I mean I already loved what I have seen and read from Brene Brown, but I am even more in love. If you have never heard her speak or read anything by her, I have linked to her Tedx talk in this post. Watch it! You'll be glad you did.

The things I am learning are life changing. Well ok, life affirming. I am learning the importance of and the way to be vulnerable and fight shame. These two things are vital to recovery.  They are skill that if everyone had, we would have so much more open communication and so much less criticism and blame.

This post is in no way sponsored by or affiliated with Brene Brown or Daring Greatly. I just wanted to share something that was helping me be a better me.

A little more vulnerably,

T.

Hyper-Vigilance and Shedding Light

Self-reflection can be such a painful thing, especially when you don't see what you expected to. I have not been very self-reflective lately, I have been outwardly focused. Shame is an ugly monster that has me held ferociously in it's grip. I have started down the slippery slope of trauma, and I am hoping by bringing my shame into the light I can battle it. 

B. just can't find recovery, he doesn't even have the desire most of the time to recover. He is so focused on the fact that he doesn't have a happy marriage to recover to, that he has no desire to recover. That has been a heavy load for me to carry, and one I shouldn't be carrying. I have not been great about surrendering that load to Heavenly Father. I have carried it on my shoulders and let it mire my own recovery. My husband's recovery is not my job to carry around. It is B.'s job to carry his recovery, more accurately it is his job to turn his heart over to Heavenly Father. It is my job to turn my own heart over to Heavenly Father and listen to His guidance.

I have been so hyper-vigilant about B.'s actions recently. Wanting to always know what he is doing, who he is texting, what they are talking about, why he is on his phone. See where this is going? I am being sucked into my trauma cycle. I am letting his actions control me. I am not focused where I should be. My focus is on my husband and not on God. When I lose God as my center my trauma takes over.

I want my husband to find recovery. I want to be able to trust him. I want our marriage to survive. Right now though, I'm at the end of my rope. I am done fighting for my marriage, at least in the way I have been fighting. Now, I feel like I am in a holding pattern. I need to just turn it over to Heavenly Father and let Him guide me. I need B. to step up and show me he wants our marriage to succeed like he keeps telling me. I need to put my faith where it belongs and know that none of this is truly in my control. God has always guided me the best direction for my family and me, when I allow Him to. I need to allow Him to guide me. 

 

I am fighting hard against my trauma, and just writing this has freed up so much anxiety in me. It has allowed me to shine light on the dark parts and start to root them out. 

I love my husband but I cannot fight for this marriage alone. I can only fight for me right now. I can only work on pulling myself up out of the mud I'm covered in. I can only work to clean up my own recovery and keep walking. I can only do these things by allowing Heavenly Father to reach down and help me up. 

Lighter, 

T.

Fear Has Held Me Prisoner

I had an a-ha, lightbulb moment last night, and it's one I have had several times before, but apparently a lesson I need to keep learning. Let me start at the beginning, or at least the beginning of my growth this time.

The last month I have started to get depressed. I have felt depressed before but have always been able to push through it fairly quickly. This time it was different. I haven't just "felt" depressed, I have been depressed. To me there is a subtle difference in that "feeling" depressed is just that, a feeling, and being depressed is something that feels like it is a permanent part of me. I have never felt that before now. The last two weeks it has been so bad that I haven't wanted to get out of bed and yet I have struggled to go to sleep at night, I haven't cared if my kids go to school, I haven't cooked dinner in three weeks, at least, I haven't nourished my body but have gorged on junk, there have been days that I have cried on and off all day. I have been so hopeless that I had given up, just done what had to be done and escaped through social media, books, shopping and sleep. It felt like I was in a pit of mud and that I just wanted to give up and stay there. I didn't care anymore if I got out of the mud, or if it just swallowed me whole. I have been on a medication for anxiety that also helps with depression for three or four years now and it has helped dramatically, it hasn't felt like it was helping the last 3 weeks or so though, so I talked to my doctor and asked her to increase my dose. I've been taking the increased dose for about a week now with slight improvement. I hesitate sometimes to mention that part because there is such a stigma attached to taking medication for depression and anxiety, but it's my reality and so I am owning it.

Last night as I knelt in prayer I realized how much fear I was holding on to. I have been afraid that B. won't work hard and find recovery and therefore my marriage will be over. I have been afraid that our finances will never be stable. I have let fear tell me that I am never going to be healthy and active. I have been afraid that my daughter will be unhappy as she leaves for college next fall. I have been afraid that she has been holding in her emotions and not dealing with them. I have been afraid that the world is going to chew up and spit out my tenderhearted son. I have also been afraid that he will become an addict too. I have been afraid of negative and critical comments from others. These fears have held me prisoner in my mind. They have consumed me. They have occupied so much space that I became hopeless and felt out of control.

As I knelt there I surrendered those fears as much as I was capable of. As I handed them over to Heavenly Father knowing that Christ has already suffered them for me, I felt a loosening before I even finished my prayer. It was as if there has been a band constricting my heart and as I released my fears to my Father in Heaven that band released and I could breathe and feel hope again. I know the process of surrender works. I know that holding on to fear is toxic for me and my recovery. I know that I can find peace through surrender. I haven't been practicing it and therefore I had fallen in the mire and couldn't get out. I can't ever get out on my own. I need the hand of a loving Savior to help me out. He sacrificed His life for me (and for each of you) so that I don't have to suffer these fears if I will turn them over to Him. I am grateful for a loving God who has made a plan for happiness. I wish that I didn't have to relearn things that I know and have practiced. I am grateful that I was reminded to surrender my fears last night. I feel more hope and less fear than I have felt in weeks. It's not a evangelical on fire type of miracle, but a subtle change of heart kind of miracle. It still feels like a miracle to me.

More hopeful,

T.

Why I Write *edited*

Tonight I received my first troll comment on the blog, and it hurt. I won't say that I didn't think of defending myself and my choices to this anonymous commenter, because I did. Ultimately though, it would not have made a difference. The commenter probably would never come back to read it and the hurtful thing would just upset me every time I came to MY blog. I deleted it. That may seem cowardly to some, but to me it was what I needed.

This is my safe space to write about what I think, feel, and how my recovery is going. It's not a space where I will tolerate being judged and belittled. I am all up for a discussion if you don't agree with me, you don't have to agree with me. However, if you want to call me names and rant at me, I retain the right to delete your comment. If you can address any questions, disagreement or concerns in an open and respectful manner, please fell free to comment. Otherwise, move along, and don't waste either of our time.

I don't write for praise or acclimation. I don't write for notoriety or fame. I write for two reasons. The first reason is that I write for me. I write to help myself heal and have a place where I can say what I need to. The second reason is so that if any of my experiences can help another. I share what I am going through and learning in the hopes that someone might relate and find some hope. I am given that light and hope by others that openly share their stories, therefore I want to help pay that forward.

The words I write come from deep inside of me, and a lot of the time I don't know exactly what I need to say until my fingers start typing. I do my very best writing when I don't think consciously about what I want to write but I let my fingers follow my thoughts as they come. Sometimes those words aren't from me, sometimes the words come from Heavenly Father and I relay a message that he wants me to. Sometimes they are from my wounded heart and I search from healing. Whatever the words may be, know that they are my words, my story, and I am learning and growing as I go. I am imperfect and flawed. I am real and human though. I bleed when injured, whether literally or metaphorically.

Humanly yours,

T.

After much thought and consideration, I have decided that I will moderate all comments. You are free to say whatever you feel, and post anonymously. I am free to keep this as my safe space and give time and space to those things that are in keeping with my own recovery. This space is a space of healing for me and not a place for vitriol or vengeance. Please know that I respect other's opinions but my heart and soul is open on these pages and therefore I reserve the right to moderate what is shared and posted here.

Fear and Surrender

Two weeks ago was tumultuous to say the least. I have had to make some big decision and I have lived in fear of making them. I let my fears control me for days. I was so afraid that I was angry and scared and it showed. My heart raced, I was shaky, I had a short temper and I even said the "F" word in our couples therapy session. That was not a good moment, and I apologized both to B. and to our therapist. That is not the person I want to be, and no matter what B. has done or said he doesn't deserve to be verbally assaulted.

I finally broke down, humbled myself, and asked my Bishop (ecclesiastical leader) for a priesthood blessing. The blessing he pronounced upon my head brought me so much peace. I am not sure that I adequately expressed my gratitude to him. I was no longer afraid to face the hard choices. I was no longer living in fear and self-doubt. I knew at that moment that Heavenly Father was aware of me and my needs and that He would not abandon me to make the choice alone.

Thursday I met with my therapist and then I attended the LDS Temple seeking clarity and guidance. I received it quickly and clearly. I have peace about the choice I made. It will be a difficult one on all of us but I feel it is the right one for all of us as well. I came out with a sense of peace that was palpable.  I had at last humbled myself enough to surrender my fear to Heavenly Father. Once I was finally able to hand it over, the answer came swiftly and easily to my mind. I knew clearly what the right choice was, and it was not the answer I expected.

I'm not intentionally trying to be vague about my big life decision, but it is so scary to write out. *deep breath* B. and I are separating. It's going to be a bit of a strange separation and not 100% complete but it is enough for now. I know that this will bring me the measure of space and separation I need right now to work on my own recovery and healing. I pray often that B. will use the time and space to get himself right with God and surrender his will to Him. I pray that B. will find recovery. I have however, surrendered that to Heavenly Father. I cannot make him find recovery. I cannot work his recovery for him. I cannot force, guilt, shame or manipulate him into recovery. Trust me I have tried all those things and more. The only thing I can do is put my trust in Heavenly Father and know that no matter what happens, I will be happy because I am following the Lord's will for me.

If I could ask one little favor it is this, keep us in your prayers. We could use all the heavenly intervention we can get.

Peacefully,

T.

It's Not Your Fault

There have been a few times in my life when the words that come out of me aren't from me. I was blessed enough to have one of those opportunities the other day. An amazing woman bravely reached out to me last week. She is hurting and broken just like many of us are and/or have been. Her husband is an addict, and she is suffering the effects of Betrayal Trauma and is just now learning what that is. She, like I have in the past, and so many others as well, blames herself for her husband's addiction and acting out. I understand that so well. For so many years I thought I could change my husband by being more or less of so many different things. I was wrong. Let me share with you the words that I was inspired to share with her. (The words are mine but the sentiment did not come from me, it is what Heavenly Father wanted me to share and believe)

Dear betrayed wife,

The one thing I want to you hear, because right now you probably won't believe it, I didn't believe it for years and still struggle to sometimes. Absolutely none of his addiction is your fault. His behaviors are not your fault and nothing you could do or say would change them. You could look like a Playboy bunny, have the sex drive of a teenage boy, keep the house like June Cleaver and earn the money of Donald Trump and he would STILL turn to porn and treat you this way. Why? Because porn addiction is not about sex, it's about mismanagement of emotions. He doesn't know how to manage his emotions. You are enough and wonderful just as you are. Your inherent value lies in the fact that you are a daughter of our Heavenly Father. You are loved and cared about more than you can possibly know. 

I completely and totally understand the self loathing that comes with this addiction. I blamed myself for so many years. I weigh much more now than I did when we got married. Why would he want me? Why wouldn't he turn to porn? But the truth of the matter is, I am learning to love myself for exactly who I am. My beauty doesn't come from how I look, it comes from who I am. I can promise you that it is NOT your fault he has this addiction and has chosen it. The addiction came long before you. If you had married an alcoholic that was supposedly in recovery when you were married, and then he started drinking again after you got married, would you think that it was your fault? Absolutely not! What our husband's have is an addiction, and it's one that has robbed them of their value to themselves. I ache for the shame and pain this has caused my husband, heaven only knows I've tried to fix him for most of our marriage. I "if only'd" myself all the time..."If only I was skinnier." "If only I was sexier." "If only I could keep the house cleaner." None of that fixed him. I tried to be the porn star I thought he wanted. It didn't change him or his behaviors. All it did was help to make me feel like a dirty and worthless person.
Heavenly Father doesn't want any of this for us. He wants us to love ourselves. He wants us to value ourselves as the daughters of Him that we are. I am so scared of what the future holds, but I know that worrying about it will only rob me of the time I have now. I am working every day to turn my will over to Him. It is scary to think that my "happily ever after" may not look the way in envisioned it. In all honesty, it's never looked the way I envisioned it and I have accepted that. What I won't accept any more is being treated like I don't matter. My husband is a good man and I love him, but I need to feel emotionally safe with him and right now that isn't happening.
Achingly,
T.

Changes

I wasn't sure I was going to post this here, but I feel like I need to. Please know that this is something I am extremely tender about and it incredibly important to me. There are some pretty specific details here regarding my boundaries and their application to our current situation. Some content may be triggering.

Friday night was hard, but not as hard as I anticipated it being. I gave B. my boundaries for in-home separation. I feel so much peace around my decisions. I fear an even harder one is coming to actually have a physical separation...but it's not time to cross that bridge yet. We have to share a room still because we only have 3 bedrooms and our kids can't share (boy/girl thing). He really wants to sleep on the couch but I won't let him because I don't want him in our living room...I already have to work in the living room, it needs to not be a bedroom too. That was the only boundary he pushed back on. I just feel peace and that is such a good thing. If anyone is interested here are the boundaries I gave him (please ask if you have any questions, and I love feedback...I went over them with my therapist and she thought they were great):

-Beds separated (our king size bed is actually 2 twin beds pushed together)

-Complete privacy while I am showering/changing (do not even come in the bathroom while I am showering)

-No physical touch unless initiated by me (hugs, kisses, hand-holding, etc.)

-No sex

-No dating for now

-Assigned nights for dinner each week based on our schedules, including clean-up

-Shared responsibility for kid transportation to be determined weekly based on schedules

-I have complete control over our finances, we will have a set time each week to review upcoming bills and deposits - I will turn our debit cards off unless we need them for a pre-approved purpose, otherwise we need to speak with the other about any spending - Allowances to be negotiated

-We are each responsible for picking up our own prescriptions and making our own appointments, may ask for help as needed, each is allowed to refuse

-Cleaning schedules and responsibilities to be determined

-Decluttering and organization to be done together as possible

Update the day after: You guys, I feel so much peace. I feel like now that in my mind we are officially separated, I have no expectations of him. He can choose to work his recovery, he can choose to be connected to the family. He can make whatever choices he wants. I have just been able to let go of my expectations. It feels like a miracle to me. I have so much more peace and have been truly able to surrender the outcome of my marriage to Heavenly Father.

Today, the day after presenting these to B., I feel so much peace. I feel like now that in my mind we are officially separated, I have no expectations of him. He can choose to work his recovery, he can choose to be connected to the family. He can make whatever choices he wants. I have just been able to let go of my expectations and truly surrender him to my Father in Heaven. It feels like a miracle to me. I have so much more peace and have been truly able to surrender the outcome of my marriage to Heavenly Father.

Separately peaceful,

T.