I'm not sure if I have mentioned before that we have been attending Phase I of LifeStar, in case I haven't, we are. We are in week five. Tonight was the second week that we have had a couple come and speak to us about their recovery. It is always very powerful to hear others stories and about their recovery. Tonight though, the wife shared a metaphor with us in response to my question, and it was such a great picture for me that I had to share it with you.
My question for her was about how she avoids comparing her recovery to someone else's. This is because of the guilt I sometimes (though less frequently now) have because my husband "just" has a porn addiction and hasn't had an actual affair. I know, I know, intellectually at least, I know, that trauma is trauma no matter what…but emotionally it is still hard for me not to feel like I shouldn't feel as devastated as I do. So, her analogy was this (and it was actually great because she talked about comparing her recovery to her husband's). I am paraphrasing, so the wording isn't exact, but the meaning will still be the same.
Imagine, if you will, that you are a fawn in a glade, a beautiful meadow. Out of nowhere you are shot by a hunter. There you are bleeding out on the ground, you need help. Is that hunter able to provide you with the support you need to stop bleeding and start to heal? Nope! He is not equipped to help you when he is the one that inflicted the harm.
In other words, the hunter has to focus on the recovery from being the one to shoot you (and for why he needed to hunt in the first place) and you have to recover from being shot! His recovery is his own and your recovery is your own! Holy crap! That was a pretty great visual for me!
The therapist running our group went on to use the metaphor to elaborate on comparing our own pain and trauma to that of another betrayed wife (again paraphrased). He said, you've been shot, period. You're going to the hospital. I don't care if you were "just" shot with a 22 gauge shell, a 9 mm handgun, a AK47…being shot is being shot. Everyone is going to feel the pain and be wounded regardless of the weapon used to do the wounding.
That was the perfect way to describe it to me. It just resonated with me. It is ok for me to feel angry, hurt, betrayed, sad and traumatized. These things are my right to feel as the wounded fawn. I have been shot and I have been traumatized because of it! I get it. I can't promise I won't have to remember this metaphor, sometimes on a daily basis, but now I have it to remember. Now I have something that makes sense to me about my trauma. I just have to say it again…I've been shot.
We do not have to justify our pain!
Wounded but healing,
T.
Second - I remember feeling exactly how you described. I've felt more than once I didn't belong in LifeStar because the other women in my group were not dealing with the same picture I had. Some had been trying to help their husbands overcome pornography for 20 years. Some had been physically and emotionally cheated on. Some men and cheated on their wives with men. Some were verbally abusive and physically violent to the things around them. I had only known about my husband addiction for 4 days. (Our home teacher just happened to be a LifeStar facilitator / therapist.) My husband hadn't cheated on me (physically) and two weeks before I was happily living in my little world of denial where I only chose to see parts of my life, ignoring all the problems that were there and took me months to acknowledge and face. I would have told anyone I had a fantastic marriage.
ReplyDeleteA few months ago we started writing our letters. It was a hard project to wholeheartedly throw myself into, but as others in my group began to share their posters of loss my heart broke for them to hear details of how the addiction had played out in their lives. I cried and cried for them, I sobbed for myself as I faced all the hurt I had ignored for years.
After sharing my angry letter with my group, a woman who I had considered to have had the most heartbreaking story told me she no longer felt like she didn't belong in the group (feeling that no one else had felt the same level of betrayal she had) but felt we have lived each others lives, just a few different details. The story of being shot here fits perfectly. We are all wounded. We are all suffering feelings of betrayal and hurt. NONE of us asked to be here or thought this is what we were signing up for.
The analogy that has been used in my group a few times is this:
We are all trying to build something good. We are all starting on different foundations - some of us literally are doing this alone as spouses will not recover or separation seems to be moving towards divorce. We are all working with a different landscape so the outcomes will all be different - BUT we are all using the same tools. Looking at how someone else is using a tool helps me see how I can use it. Watching from the outside helps me learn so much! And I have found problems in my marriage I didn't know were even there by watching someone else deal with it - suddenly a light goes on and I see that I am in denial about exactly the same thing. We are all the same, and we are all different.
I am so excited for you that you are going through this process - it is so thorough - and hard. And thorough. And HARD!
If I can offer anything going into it - It is such a good program that there will come points where it is easy to feel "fixed". And super tempting to go back to normal life. The time and the money are a big commitment. There are more ups and downs coming (of course) but most importantly more tools and more garbage to clean out. Twice I've felt determined to be done for very good personal reasons. I am SO glad I have stayed. I am continuing to get what I need from it and to be honest I think I get more out of our meetings the further along we get. I am now a little grudgingly committed to phase 3, but I know that in the long run my life will be happier if I stick it out.
Good luck!!! I am so happy for you. I hope it brings you to a new level of healing!
We for sure want to do Phases 2 & 3. We want to have ammunition in our belts for this battle. I have really been working through my own minimizing of my pain. It's been quite a realization for me that I am not as "crazy" as I felt I was. After this many years it's nice to have the self-validation that it's nobody has been where I am and I don't have to compare my journey to anyone else's or justify my pain to anyone. Thanks for your comment!
DeleteOkay, I have to comment but it's probably going to be pretty long - so hope that's okay!
ReplyDeleteFirst - I am so excited for you!!!! LifeStar is such an amazing program. I am within a month or two of finishing phase 2 and it has been such an incredible learning experience. It is a great "clean out the closets", "leave no stone unturned" type of program. Before anything gets put back in, the closets and cupboards get a good wipe out and then as items go back in you get to decide if it's something to keep, revamp first or totally throw out. It is so thorough! I feel like I have learned SO much about who I am and been able to focus on my own healing while learning how to understand him and where he is coming from better.