I Hate The Cycle

Post overload, sorry, but I had to write twice today.

I am diligently working on separating B from his addiction in my mind and heart. Some days this is a much easier thing to do than others. I think it comes down to the damn cycle (pardon the language, but today that's the only way I can describe it). The addiction/shame cycle. It's like he does really well with connecting and being vulnerable for a few days then for some reason he slips back into addict mode. Me. Me. Me. 

In LifeStar and through other recovery resources I have learned that there is definitely a pattern to addiction or a cycle as it's usually called. This pattern can vary in length but is usually predictable in the phases. There can also be cycles within the cycle where the addict can get caught in a revolving door between two or more phases. The root of the cycle is shame, always and forever, shame. That is the root of this entire addiction, shame and not having a healthy way to process it. 

I'm not talking about guilt here, not even healthy shame that prompts you to action. I am talking the shame someone incorporates into their very being. Guilt/healthy shame tells someone that they have done something bad, whereas shame tells them they ARE bad. Guilt/healthy same says I have done something hurtful and shame tells them that they ARE a hurtful person. You get the point, shame is TOXIC to a person's mental health and it is TOXIC to those around them because it leads to unhealthy coping and more pain and shame.

B seems to be caught in a short cycle right now…sometimes only hours long. Almost every day, he works really hard to connect with me and the kids. He diligently works his recovery. He reaches out for support. He brings his shame into the light and exposes it, working through it to motivate positive changes in himself. I LOVE this. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE these changes. I am learning things about B that I wish I had known all along. Things that frighten him or make him angry. Things that bring him joy. His fears as well as his wishes, hopes and dreams. I am learning how to want to fall in love with that man. The one that is vulnerable and shame resilient. The problem? The damn cycle gets him every.single.time. 

I am trying to hope. I am trying to have faith. I am trying to use my boundaries in healthy ways to disconnect myself from this cycle. Some days, I do a FANTASTIC job of this. Disconnecting in a healthy and safe way. Others, not so much. Yesterday and today are stellar examples of the latter. 

Thanksgiving Day started out great. We really had a wonderful morning. As the day progressed however, I could see the disconnect happening. I could see the cycle starting and the addict coming out (remind me later to tell you about "the addict"). I even pointed it out to B, or tried to anyway. At first, I did a good job of just disconnecting from the behavior, but as the day wore on I got more and more impatient and just plain sick-and-tired of it. The final straw for me was when B got up from the table, after our daughter worked for a very long time to prepare an amazing dinner for us, to go "work" on a map he was making for himself to use for rockhounding. He had inhaled his food. He was upset that I wouldn't "let" him bury himself in his phone at the table. He left the table and turned his back to us to hide in the virtual world. 

We talked about it last night at our checkin. He is remorseful every night when it happens. He is even conscious some of the time and does it intentionally. I know this. He knows this. I also know and understand that he does feel remorse and regret at not being able to connect. I have felt the sincerity of his words. I really want to let him off the hook and feel like he is going to try anew the next day. He does, usually anyway, for a while. Then it's back to the same ole, same ole...words, excuses and disconnection.

Today was pretty much constant static all day. He did spend some time with us but it was half-hearted at best. It is discouraging when days like this pop up. I know I shouldn't let one or two days prove to be stumbling blocks in my own recovery. For the most part I don't. I just LOVE being with the "new" connected man that I am married to and I wish it was him that was around most of the time instead of the "old" disconnected one. 

I know recovery takes time. I know he's never going to be perfect. I don't expect perfection. I don't even expect him not to have a bad day where the addict slips in. What do I expect? I expect consistent effort on his part. I expect continuous work on recovery every.single.day. I expect him to reach out when he feels like it's all too much. That's what I expect. 

Now that it is out there. Now that I have recorded my feelings, I can process and move on. I can look towards tomorrow with hope again. 

Thank you,

T.