Hesitantly Hopeful

Complacent is an adjective that means; pleased, especially with oneself or one's merits, advantages, without awareness of some potential danger or defect; self-satisfied.

It's interesting that we both decided to blog about relatively the same thing today. This week has been very emotionally taxing for me. In addition to all that is happening in our marriage, it has been a really rough week at work. I've also had some emotionally charged conversations with a couple of different friends and my mom has decided that every time we talk we need to rehash her concerns and feelings on my husband's unemployment. I'm spent, so it's no wonder to me at all that I start to get wary when I start to see "B" becoming complacent.

It happens every time. He starts to rely on himself to change instead of turning the battle over to Heavenly Father. He has a few good weeks, even some good months, and starts to trust in his own ability to stay in recovery without using the tools that helped him get "sober" in the first place. It scares me when I see this happen because I know each day that goes by without him using his tools put him that much further away from where he needs to be. When this happens I start to close myself off again from him, which then pushes him even further away. It's a vicious cycle, and one I am happy that he chose to break today by blogging.

I had a small victory of my own today. I had a rough day at work and I needed to talk to someone. Normally I would call my sister because she just gets me. She will listen through my blubbering to hear what's behind my words. Today, when I needed to talk she wasn't the first person I called. I wanted to talk to my husband and get comfort from him. I don't know when the last time that happened was. I haven't trusted him with my feelings or my heart for a long time. I am so afraid to hope for change, and yet my heart felt otherwise. It was hopeful that if I called he would listen to me cry and just be supportive. He did. He was. I don't know if that has ever happened before, it most assuredly hasn't in a long time if it has. I turned to my husband for comfort and he provided it. That may seem like a no brainer to a lot of people, but it really hasn't been that way between us for a long time. It felt good.

This isn't even talking about the favor he did for me later in the day. I have told him time and again that it is the little things that make the difference. If I can trust him to keep his word and take care of the little things. I will start to be able to trust him to take care of the big things.

I don't want to hope, it's too scary. I have been hurt so many times before when I let a little hope in. I am hopeful though, despite my best efforts not to be.

Thank you hone for being there for me today. Thank you for being a man of action today and for shrugging off your complacency.

Hesitantly Hopeful,

T.