Shame

I think this is a good time to talk about shame. Shame is a powerful tool that Satan uses to keep control of an addict. From the start of my addiction I have always felt shame. I always felt like if people really knew who I was, they would be disgusted. What I didn't realize is that my pornography addiction is not who I am. The real me is a child of God. A man with infinite potential. If people knew the real me, I would have many friends that loved me. You see, the shame has made me withdraw into myself to the extent that I am very antisocial. I have very few friends.

The shame is what has made me hide my addiction. I have always thought that I was different than anyone else. I knew that other men were addicted to pornography, but no one was as cowardly and hid the addiction like I did. Now as I face recovery and learn from other men with this addiction, I find that this shame, this hiding, is the norm. Satan has had plenty of time to learn the best techniques to keep us down. I have hid this addiction from the world. I have hid it from my wife. She has known about it for many years now, but I have told her countless times that I am doing good, that I am not looking at pornography, nor am I doing that word that I have a real hard time saying. Masterbation. You see, admitting to looking at pornography is hard. Admitting to masterbation is almost impossible for me. I have lied to her so many times about my actions that she has a very hard time trusting me. I have discovered that this is a typical pattern in a husband-wife relationship that is struggling with this addiction. Many men try to tell their wife that they are okay. But they are not. Shame has got the better of them. It is much easier to hide, than it is to take the necessary steps to recover.

You might ask, how can you lie to the person you love the most in your life? How can you pretend that everything is okay? I don't know if it is the same for every man, but I can compartmentalize my brain such that it is like there are two of me. There is the loving husband and father. Then there is the selfish addict. I can go through the motions of being a husband and father and ignore the other issue. But like Mr Hyde I will turn into a sex crazed animal that just has to have another hit of porn. This is always when I am alone, away from my family. This is how I handle it. Unfortunatly, "Dr Jeckyll" is a very selfish person. I can't be two people. I can't keep the effects of the addiction from hurting my family.

I think I have finally discovered the key to recovery. I can't hide. I have to be open about my addiction. Someday I hope to be open about this to everyone, because I know there are others that I can help. For know, I  can be open to my support group. My support group consists of my wonderful wife, my Bishop, anyone that comes to the 12 step addiction recovery meeting, and to you, the readers of this blog.

Removing the shame makes it so much easier to live my life worthily. There are many more steps I must take. I need to look inside myself and try to find out how I can love myself again. I need to figure out how to reach out to others, how to be a friend to others. But I can't do any of this when I am filled with so much shame.

My advice to any man who is struggling with this addiction is to open up. You can't hide this. It will destroy you. Go to your Bishop. Go to your wife. Go to someone who will understand. Go to the 12 step addiction recovery meetings. The Lord will bless you. Just open up.

B.