Inside the Mind of an Addict

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Now that the science is out of the way, I will discuss what happens with me and my motivations. As I have said before, my addiction really took off with the advent of the Internet. Never before in the history of mankind has an individual had access to so many pornographic images. I am triggered by some image, be it an indecently dressed woman or an advertisement. Then I have a strong desire to begin looking. But what am I looking for? I am looking for the "perfect woman". In my warped brain I have created standards of what that perfect woman will look like. I then get on the Internet and begin looking. I have been searching for over 20 years and I have not found her yet. I can sometimes spend hours looking, but I am never satisfied. There is always some flaw. I know this sounds horribly sexist, and it is. But this is what the addiction has done to me.  An addict will never be satisfied. What I need to remember is that I found this "perfect woman" a long time ago. I married her almost 20 years ago. She may have flaws, but they are superficial. She has stuck with me all these years when she really didn't have to. I am so blessed to have a woman so strong and loving. She is great mother and wife. No, she is not actually perfect, but she is striving for perfection. The only perfect person to live on this Earth is the Savior Jesus Christ. Through his Atonement we can all be saved. I can be saved! It has been a long battle, one that has been lost for the most part. With the help of the Atonement I can finally change. I have heard that recovery takes as much time as the actual addiction did. I have a lot of work ahead of me. The important thing to realize is that I am not alone. I have the help of my wife, my bishop, the members of my 12 step addiction recovery group, and most important the Savior.Any addiction will alter the way the human brian will function. The biology behind this alteration involves the neurotransmitter dopamine, particularly its role in the mesolimbic pathway. For a more in depth discussion of dopamine and what is does you can go here . Basically your brain will release dopamine in response to something the senses detect. A healthy person may experience dopamine release when seeing someone they love. In this instance the dopamine will make them feel good. It is the brain's way of rewarding you for positive experiences. An addict will experience heightened dopamine release in response to certain "triggers". A trigger could be something as innocent as a beautiful modestly dressed woman, or a hardcore porn image. The results are the same for an addict. They will desire to see more pornography, and perform sexual acts. There is a debate about whether sex addiction is a real mental disorder similar to a drug addiction. I have experienced this disorder in my life. I know how destructive it can be. This link is just one study supporting the idea that sex addiction is a real mental health disorder.
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