I want to share a bit of my point of view from our conversation last night. I knew it was going to hurt "B" when I told him that I was struggling to want to kiss him. I've been putting off that conversation since he told me that. I don't want to hurt him, not intentionally (I will admit there have been times I HAVE wanted to hurt him, to get back at him, but I hope I've grown past that for the most part). I know he is trying to recover, I know he is working at it, but I didn't lose complete trust and faith in him overnight and it's not going to return that quickly either. I have been hurt by him so many times, that I'm afraid to hope. Don't get me wrong, as much as I tell myself that I don't have any hope right now, I do. I just try and tamp it down because it's so painful when he betrays me again. I want to hope and have faith that he is truly in recovery, but it is just too scary. It's too scary to open myself up to that kind of pain.
To me passionate kissing is a very intimate act. It is opening yourself up to being vulnerable, to trusting the person you are kissing, in my case "B". He revealed in his last post that we have an active sex life, we do, but for a really long time it has been about meeting a physical need, scratching an itch per se. We haven't "made love" in a really long time. For "B" it's because of the pornography addiction, for me it's because I haven't been willing to be that vulnerable. For me passionate kissing is part of making love, not having sex and I'm just not ready to be that vulnerable yet. I don't trust him enough to not break my heart again. I asked him to be patient with me, because I'm just not there yet. I want to be, but it's going to take a while I'm afraid.
I have told "B" often lately that we will work through the addiction, but that I can't tolerate when he lies to me. He used to be honest with me when I would ask him if he'd slipped, but he has lied to me repeatedly over the last few years. It's to the point that I don't trust myself and my "gut feelings" anymore because for so long I trusted that he was telling the truth and therefore my gut must be wrong. Most of the time it wasn't. I know he started lying to me because of my reaction to his relapses, and that doesn't give him an "out" or an excuse, but I am accepting my responsibility to mediate my reaction. If I tell him that we will work through the addiction then I have to be willing to work without raging at him.
I want to work through this addiction, I really do. I don't want to give up, but some days I'm just so tired of fighting. I know this is going to be a long, hard, lifetime battle, and I need to plan on fighting the rest of our lives. I want to be able to let down my guard and trust again.
Please if you are on your knees today, put in a good word for us. I am really discouraged right now and could use a measure of faith if you have some to spare.
Asking for prayers,
T.
p.s. "B" asked me when I got up this morning if I smelled the cookies…I think he must've been eating the sugar cookie scented soap in the bathroom or something…there was no cookies smell that I could tell.
I have told "B" often lately that we will work through the addiction, but that I can't tolerate when he lies to me. He used to be honest with me when I would ask him if he'd slipped, but he has lied to me repeatedly over the last few years. It's to the point that I don't trust myself and my "gut feelings" anymore because for so long I trusted that he was telling the truth and therefore my gut must be wrong. Most of the time it wasn't. I know he started lying to me because of my reaction to his relapses, and that doesn't give him an "out" or an excuse, but I am accepting my responsibility to mediate my reaction. If I tell him that we will work through the addiction then I have to be willing to work without raging at him.
I want to work through this addiction, I really do. I don't want to give up, but some days I'm just so tired of fighting. I know this is going to be a long, hard, lifetime battle, and I need to plan on fighting the rest of our lives. I want to be able to let down my guard and trust again.
Please if you are on your knees today, put in a good word for us. I am really discouraged right now and could use a measure of faith if you have some to spare.
Asking for prayers,
T.
p.s. "B" asked me when I got up this morning if I smelled the cookies…I think he must've been eating the sugar cookie scented soap in the bathroom or something…there was no cookies smell that I could tell.
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