Hello My Name Is...

Hello, my name is…well I'm not going to tell you what my name is because this is an anonymous blog. You can just call me B. I am a middle aged LDS man. I have been struggling with a sex addiction for many years. I am at a point in my life where I am determined to change. This blog serves two purposes. First, I have a hard time being 100% open with my wife when talking face to face. I struggle with ADD and am a poor communicator. When I write I have time to slow my brain down and organize my thoughts. This way I can share what is going on inside of me with my wife. She will also be posting on this blog. The second purpose of this blog is to share my recovery with others. I would like to be able to inspire hope in others. An important part of recovery is to make restitution to those I have harmed. I can do this with my family, but what about all the women who have been exploited to satisfy my lusts. In these situations I can make restitution indirectly, by helping others to recover, and to fight against the proliferation of pornography.

My story begins many years ago when I was about 10 years old. A friend of mine showed me a pornographic magazine that was hidden in a wooded area near my home. The feeling I had when I saw these images was probably the most powerful feeling I had ever experienced. I knew that it was wrong to look at these images, but I was so curious, and it felt so good to see them. I was instantly addicted, just like an alcoholic that takes his first drink. 

Over the next several years I came into contact with pornography in its various formats. I was very curious as my parents never discussed sex or the dangers of pornography with me. There were several occasions when magazines would be hidden in the same wooded area. My father had several photography books that had pictures of which were supposed to be "art". I would often satisfy my lusts be looking at my mother's womens magazines. They may not have contained what is normally considered pornography, but advertisements for bras and other things would often work for me.  I also would sneak romance novels that my mother or sisters had. I somehow could flip through the book and quickly find the sex parts.

Throughout my teen years I wanted to quit. The shame that goes along with this addiction is as strong as the addiction itself. I was afraid to confess to my bishop or my parents. I was actually afraid that confessing would lead to excommunication. This may sound silly but I had no idea what would happen because it was never discussed in my family. I was afraid my parents would be very upset because I wasn't supposed to know about sex because they hadn't taught me about it. 

I managed through sheer willpower to quit my addiction for 6 months before I left on my mission. I confessed to my bishop, who thought that I was cured. I think it is very common for young men with this addiction to go on a mission and do very well. A missionary is so isolated from the media and life in general that it is easy to be good.  I thought I would never struggle with this again. This may have been true if it hadn't been for the internet.

When I returned from my mission the internet was just starting to become popular. Again, curiosity got the better of me. Suddenly I could access pornography very easily and not even pay for it. I quickly fell into the depths of addiction once again. I was able to "quit" long enough to be worthy of a temple marriage. For the first year of marriage I did great. I loved my wife and I felt like I would never need pornography again. What I didn't know at the time was that this addiction is something that I will battle for the rest of my life. At some point I began to view pornography once again. I hid it from my wife for a lot of years. Finally, when going through a struggle with anxiety and depression, I confessed to her. She was very hurt and angry. I confessed to my bishop, and began going through the process to overcome the addiction. I met with my bishop regularly for a while. But it just wasn't enough.

Since this time I have confessed to bishops several times. I even went through some professional counciling. Nothing I have done has seemed to help for very long. This brings me to this blog. This will be a very important tool for my recovery. I am attending the LDS church's 12 step meetings, for addiction recovery, several times a week. I realize I can't do this alone. I often wonder what I can become once I have this addiction under control. 

I would like to end this post with my testimony. I know the gospel is true. I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God and that he translated the Book of Mormon by the power of God. I know that it is important to attend church weekly even when I don't want to. I need the to feel the Spirit on a regular basis. I also know that I need to get back to the Temple. I haven't held a recommend for a few years. To all who struggle with this addiction, don't give up. Look to the Lord. Ask for his help. Let other appropriate people know of your struggles. You will need their help.

B.